JOKE GALLERY 2:

WARNING: Some of these jokes will be offensive to some and humorous to others. Please review at your own risk.

Killer Biscuits Wanted For Attempted Murder (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up & with her eyes closed, both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned & walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, & she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, & Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, & had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked & Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, & the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough & thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered & tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed & came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde

An Arab diplomat, visiting the US for the first time, was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not accustomed to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.), & was constantly sending his manservant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. Time & again, Abdul would scamper off & return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well."

Monica Lewinsky & Lorena Bobitt are walking down the beach & they see a man with a huge penis, the biggest penis either one has ever seen, Monica asks "Hey Lorena, Do you still carry that knife ?" "Sure Monica, Why?" Monica points to the corners of her mouth and says "Would you cut me here & here?"

A Few Quickies

‡ If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

‡ I was born intelligent - education ruined me

‡ A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say..........

‡ Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

‡ Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.

‡ One should love animals. They are so tasty.

‡ Love thy neighbour. But don't get caught.

‡ Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

‡ Children in backseats cause accidents; Accidents in backseats cause children

‡ "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

‡ There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

‡ When two's company, three's the result !

‡ A dress is like a barbed fence It protects the premises without restricting the view

‡ The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn!

A well-dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up & said "Is that you Pete??" Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don't think I know you" The second man said "You do, it's me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down" Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened Martin??" Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete. All in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??" Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that. I bought a three-story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman. On the second floor homo sex - you know, men shagging men- , & on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work : just me, the wife & the kids."

From The Strange But True Department --

Ever Had One Of Those Days Sections

Triple trouble for traffic chief Cape Town - Accidents tend to happen in threes & nobody is exempt. This saying came true for Vredenburg's traffic chief at the weekend when not only was he involved in a crash, but he also bit through his tongue & shot himself in the foot - literally. Vredenburg mayor Ignus Bester said of Japie Julies's rough weekend: "Traffic officers are never popular, but one would not wish this on one's worst enemies." Bester says Julies was off duty early on Friday night when he was involved in a collision with a car in High Street. On impact, he bit through his tongue & his service pistol, carried in a holster on his hip, fell out & went off, grazing him in the foot. Bester confirmed that Julies was on sick leave. "I saw him on Saturday morning - the poor man can hardly talk, let alone walk."

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, then knocks on the door. There's no answer, so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the jappy chappy. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles & says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?" "OK OK" , says the Japanese bloke, "I wheely bin having wank"

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2002 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike an 18-wheel Mack truck. "Vrroooom, vrrroooomm... Screeeech..... Vrrroooommm...." "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road hog down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress...humping and bumping. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm screwing his wife."

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said, "Mary had a little pig -- An scrawny little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes and smelled her little . . ." He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?" "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

Finally, Maybe This Is What Should Be Done With Vegetables!

Ex-Mounties Guilty of Assault with Fruit, Veggies WINNIPEG, Manitoba (Reuters) - Two former members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have been convicted of assault with a weapon after attacking Winnipeg city police officers with fruit & vegetables. The two retired Mounties, who are brothers, were sentenced on Tuesday to two months in jail. "The two of you are a disgrace to every RCMP officer in Canada & to every peace officer in Canada," Manitoba Judge, Arnold Connor, was quoted as telling David Dauphinee, 52, & Daniel Dauphinee, 51, by newspapers that attended the trial. The produce assault took place in June, when police arrived at a downtown Winnipeg apartment building to investigate an unrelated break-in. When the Dauphinee duo, who were visiting a 19th-floor suite in the same building, spotted police on the street below, they began hurling oranges at them. They reloaded with apples & cooking onions. The Winnipeg police officers testified that they feared for their safety when the oranges & onions started exploding around them. When they arrived at the door of the suite, the recently retired Mounties, said be in a drunken stupor, hopped into bed & pretended to be asleep. They tried to blame David Dauphinee's then-girlfriend, Diane Bartlett, for the fruit & vegetable barrage, but a physiotherapist testified she was too petite to throw the oranges & onions that far. At the trial, Bartlett referred to the brothers as "Dumb & Dumber" & "the Gruesome Two-some."

I said to my office colleague "Man, your new girlfriend sure is big & ugly." And he says "So is my dick, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time with it."

Medical Alert The long-term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered: Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants & Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts & erections who can't remember what to do with them.

If You're Feeling Dumb, Don't Despair -- You're Not Alone! You'll feel smarter after you read these quotes:

Question: If you could live forever, would you & why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.. We are the president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety% mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air & water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause & ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.." --Al Gore, when VP

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed & it will monitor their heart throughout the night. & the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ...

Feeling smarter yet?

A priest was driving along & saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped & offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in & crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open & reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look & nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him & immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered & apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance & went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible & looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth & seek; further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!

Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?" "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country & bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up & said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went & spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny & asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece & made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up & eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Sad But True

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, & introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that & what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace & for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, & I come back & pray for the eradication of illness & disease from the earth. & very, very important, I pray for peace & understanding between the Israelis & Palestinians." The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years & pray for these wonderful things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly, "It's like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."

******

20 Things Moms Would Probably Never Say:

1.. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2.. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

3.. "Just leave all the lights on ... we have extra money this month for the bill."

4.. "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, that's good for another week."

5.. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me!"

6.. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for - give or take three or four hours."

7.. "I don't have a tissue with me... just wipe your nose on your sleeve."

8.. "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

9.. "Sure you can go joyriding with Evan. He's only had one major accident."

10.. "Don't bother cleaning your room, I bought a second set of dishes."

11.. "14 is too late to start dating...you need to experience a steady relationship when you're still young."

12.. "Just push that under the bed, you can always clean it up later."

13.. "Wow, maybe I should pierce my nose & navel too!"

14.. "Chocolate before dinner? Sure & have a Coke to wash it down."

15.. "Why are you taking a bath again? You took one last week.

16.. "Don't worry about totalling the car son. Our insurance will cover it."

17.. "That's the best you can do? I belched louder than that when I was seven."

18.. "Let's have a farting contest."

19.. "Just wipe your greasy hands on the dog."

20.. "No you can't take a bath this week!"

& What Mum REALLY Wants On Mothers Day

* To be able to eat a whole candy bar by myself.

* To have my 14 year old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

* Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

* A full-time cleaning person, who looks like Brad Pitt.

* For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full Scholarship & a job all in the same day!"

* A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

(Believe it or not, I did adapt this to make it closer to the truth!)

In the beginning God created day & night. He created day for rugby, going to the beach & braais. He created night for going screwing, sleeping & braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming & braais on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt & yeast for beer & wood for braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals & crustaceans for chops, boerewors, steak & prawns for braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth Day God created a man - to go to rugby, enjoy the beach, drink the beer & eat the meat & prawns at braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this man was lonely & needed someone to go to the rugby, drink beer, eat & stand around the braai with. So God created pals, & God saw that they were good. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God saw that the men were tired & needed a rest. So God created women- to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook & pick up the empties. Evening came & it was the end of the Seventh day. God sighed, looked around at the twinkling braais, heard the hiss of opening beer cans & the raucous laughter of all the men & cherries, smelled the aroma of boerewors & sizzling prawns, & God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that ............. it was South Africa!

A couple lived near the ocean & used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing...she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively & she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod & there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, & debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes & other electronic devices?" He hadn't & said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel, our big radio, & go lie on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch & the wife was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband & then leave. The man walked up the beach & met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife shrieked. The man grinned & said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied and....

... Wait for it, wait for it

.... "She sells C cells down by the sea shore."

Eternal Truths

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by you again?

If the shoe fits...buy it in every colour.

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, & she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room & asked him to "Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy."

The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note & then asked her son to "Bring this to your silly Daddy."

The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Haemorrhage, No Circus Today.

John read the note & quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "The lady in the kitchen".

The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, & The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, & Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note & then asked her son to "Take this to the poor man upstairs".

The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!

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