JOKE GALLERY 8:
> * I just got back from a pleasure trip.
> I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
>
> * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
> * If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
>
> * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making
> love? "Honey, I'm home!"
>
> * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
>
> * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
> night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
>
> * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
> My wife called it the Dead Sea .
>
> * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
> estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
> Then the mud fell off.
>
> * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
> bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
>
> * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
> back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
>
> * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!
> What did I tell you?"
>
> * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
>
> * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
> brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
>
> * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
>
> The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
> Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that
> Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
>
> There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
> In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
> from medical school.
>
> Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
> A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
> .
> Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
> A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
>
> A man called his mother in Florida ,
> "Mom, how are you?"
> "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
> The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't
> eaten in 38 days."
> The son said, "That's terrible.
> Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
> The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
> with food if you should call."
>
> A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
> part in the play. She asks,
> "What part is it?"
> The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
> "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want
> a speaking part."
>
> Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
> A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
> nuisance to anybody."
>
> Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
> street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
> "Force yourself," she replied.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
> A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
>
> Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
> A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
Priest's Retirement Dinner
Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the
politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to
him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a
bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I
did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo
and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our
10th anniversary.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple
of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go
to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your
bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a
small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham .
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me
out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead
Beatle for the last thirty years.
The Italian VirginityTest
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell
ifhis Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.
His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for
what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit
~~~ a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."
Mario asks .... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies .... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night,you
paint one of your balls Redand the other ball Blue.
If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',
..........you hit her with the Shovel. |
