A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful & during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, & we can take up where we left off." The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

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A trucker pulled into a truck stop & ordered a bowl of chicken noodle soup. When it arrived, he raised such a stink that the manager came over to see what was wrong. "There's a hair in my goddamn soup," said the trucker, pissed. "And I'm not going to pay for it." & he stormed out of the restaurant & into the whorehouse next door. Thoroughly mad himself, the manager followed the trucker, pushed aside the madam, & barged into an upstairs room where he saw the trucker busy eating out a whore. "You son of a bitch!" he screamed. "You run out on your check because your soup has one lousy hair in it, & look where your face is now!" "The trucker lifted up his head from between the bitch's goal posts, & said, "Yeah, & I'll tell you somethin' else, monkey-brain, if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for that neither!"

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Not a Bad idea . . . There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary. The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to make her breakfast in bed. When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed. "Oh John, thank you so much. I didn't expect this!" The husband than tells her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold. So the woman is blindfolded & the man leads her the way. Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold. She takes it off & is totally stunned & very excited she shouts: "Oh John.... !!!! We are in Paris, aren't we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary??!!" "Well that's quite simple, "John answers...... "That's when I come to pick you up again!"

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The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he sent an email to his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife & your mistress." His friend was quick to email back: "Your wife & I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

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For the next Quiz Night This Might Be Helpful

Did you know .........

á It is impossible to lick your elbow.

á A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

á A shrimp's heart is in their head.

á It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

á A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

á Between 1937 & 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas

á In average, a human being will spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

á More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

á Rats & horses can't vomit.

á If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck & die.

á Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

á Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.

á A duck's quack doesn't echo, & no one knows why.

á In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects & 10 spiders.

á Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

á Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

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A salesman was in Dallas, Texas for the first time. He wandered into a bar & proceeded to down a pretty fair number of straight Jack Daniels in a couple of hours, becoming quite sloshed. Suddenly, he noticed Michael Jackson on a news program on the bar's TV. "There's the biggest horse's ass who ever walked on earth," he exclaimed. With that, the cowboy sitting next to him stood, punched him in the jaw, & sat back down on the bar stool. "Whew," said the salesman, climbing back up on his bar stool. "I better be careful what I say. I had no idea I was in Michael Jackson country." "You aren't in Michael Jackson country, you idiot," replied the bartender, "You're in HORSE country!"

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Little Johnny's mother asked him, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?" "Because of an absence," he replied. "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" she questioned. Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who usually sits next to me was."

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An Oldie But A Cute One

There was a professor who was doing experiments with a frog. He was teaching a frog to jump. The training went on for a while & finally when he said, "Jump!" the frog would jump high in the air. He thought it was time to take some measurements & publish the results. He started his measurements with a twine, a ruler & a knife. He placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate & said, "jump." It jumped & he measured the height it jumped. He wrote in his observation note book: "Height jumped (with 4 legs): 14 inches. Inference: None." Then he cut one of the legs of the frog & said jump. It jumped to a height of 10 inches. Inference: None. Then he cut the next leg, & measured the height jumped. Because it had only 2 legs the height jumped was only 5 inches. Then he cut one more leg & the frog now had only one leg. The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg. Again the inference was none. Then he cut the last leg of the frog & said, "jump!" It didn't move at all. He wrote his inference in the note book: "When all four legs are removed, frogs go deaf."

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Words to Live By

á Man who let woman on top is f@@king up

á Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet

á Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get caught red-handed

á A girls best asset is her lie ability

á Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.

á He who sniffs coke drowns.

á Man who eat pussy do lip service.

á Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.

á War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left

á Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night

á Man who date flat-chested girl have good reason to feel low-down

á Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock

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Sheepshaggers A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Welsh farmer. "So, Welsh farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep & put them down my wellie boot & take the front legs of the sheep & put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher & he leaves the Welsh farmer. Then he meets an Australian farmer. "So, Aussie farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep & put them down my wellie boots & take the front legs of the sheep & put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Wales too." & he leaves the Australian farmer. Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand. "So, Kiwi farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep & put them down my wellie boots & take the front legs of the sheep & put them over my shoulders." "Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?" "What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

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Tis better to have loved a short woman ..than never to have loved a tall.

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If you love something, set it free. If it returns, you haven't lost it. If it disappears & never comes back, then it wasn't truly yours to begin with. And if it just sits there watching television, unaware that it's been set free, you probably married it.

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One For The Ladies

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman & ask her, "What are you?'" She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "B.I.T.C.H." What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison. "Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" SMILE... & say "Thank You!!"

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A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants or underwear on?" he asked. The old man slowly looked at him & said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on & I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

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A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic & pleasurable experience." "Well, yes & no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

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Can't Live With 'em,. Can't Shoot 'em

á If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.

á If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.

á If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are not understanding

á If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

á If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy

á If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

á If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

á If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

á If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

á If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

á If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short: So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable So damning, yet so wonderful... .....WOMEN!

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Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacy knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them & goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him & also takes a smell & goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns & arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... & so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue & can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, & asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, & after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men & says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"

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Look Out, There's An Oldie About Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace & the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through & that they each have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life & I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, & serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be" "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, what about you Gianni?" Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good & that will make heaven a much happier place" "Not bad" says St Peter. What about you Queen Mum?" The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt & pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fa*ny, lets the water shoot up inside her & then gush out all over the floor. "Excellent, you're in" says St Peter "Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything" Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."

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Help Desk Humour Support:

"Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button." Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?" Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

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A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, & asked, "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation." "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

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Talking of Oldies

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school & asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me... babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, & she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

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A doctor is walking out the door to go to his office. He says to his wife, "You're a rotten mother, a crummy wife, & a lousy lay." At seven o'clock he walks back into the house at the end of the day only to find his wife screwing a stranger on the living room rug. He says, "What the hell are you doing????" She says, "Getting a second opinion!"

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Sign Recently Observed At A Business Establishment In Philadelphia, PA:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW

This sign was prominently displayed in the front window of a business in Philadelphia. Most folks would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would expect anti-hate groups from all across the country to march on this business & that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. You must be asking, what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

The answer: Goldberg's Funeral Home

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Puns Of The Weak

á They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.

á The marijuana legislation was passed by a joint resolution.

á When the human cannonball was late for work he got fired

á A ham walked out of the hospital & said "I'm cured".

á Why are most archaeologists failures? Because their careers lie in ruins

á An ordinance was proposed to prohibit all dogs in the community from expressing affection or pleasure in a certain way. For some reason it was passed unanimously without any debate. You might say that the members of the town council were just doing what? Jumping on the banned waggin'

á What is the correct term to describe a mail carrier after he has had a sex-change operation? Post man

á What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a sprinkler? Hare Spray

á Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? After a month they were fighting tooth & nail.

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At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart & screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

*******

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties & is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

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Dyslexia Rules, KO?

What about the dyslexic man who sold his soul to Santa.

Or the Dyslexic bank robber who held up the bank with a gnu

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Quickies

á Half of the people in the world are below average

á If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

á People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do

á The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground & miss

á A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

á What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool? A Clever Dick

*******

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy. Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own...

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The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father & said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me?, sympathy?"