This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter"

The Reply to the above: "Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was: "Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Commuter"

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Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. 'Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, 'Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test.' Indignantly, the man said, 'Why? Don't ye believe me?!?'

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Some Quickies Q.

Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

A. About three inches.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

A. Well-hung.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?

A. Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry it!

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?

A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. How do you piss off a female archaeologist??

A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

Answer phone message "

....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key....

" DEA Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of Viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

And finally (Hope you haven't just eaten). . . Q. Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?

A. Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

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Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex ‡ When you request sex, she replies,

"Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

‡ Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your butt.

‡ Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

‡ Only moans during commercial breaks.

‡ Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

‡ Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

‡ You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

‡ You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.

‡ Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

‡ Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

‡ Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

‡ Holds up a picture of the Playboy centrefold to hurry you along.

‡ Asks to be on top so she can balance her chequebook more easily.

‡ She yells out her own name.

Thought for the day:

Marrying a woman for her beauty is like buying a house for its paint.

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A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, " But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

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What do you call 100 white men with clubs chasing a black man? The US PGA Tour

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A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

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Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that mother fucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

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When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

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Some Updated Tommy Cooper Gags

‡ My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

‡ What's the difference between roast beef & pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

‡ man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, 1 can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

‡ A man walks into a pub, & notices Vincent Van Gough is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

‡ I went to a seafood disco last week .... & pulled a mussel.

‡ A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... 1 have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

‡ A brain & a jump lead go into a pub & order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull & he is bound to start something."

‡ What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

‡ A woman arrives at a bank with a £50 note stuck in each ear, & asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the manager's office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."

‡ Our local chemist was robbed last week & a quantity of Viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

‡ Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds & thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

‡ A man sees a one-legged mate he hasn't seen for ages at the bus stop & say..... 'How you getting on'

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A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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Do it Yourself Operations

‡ In 1994, postman Jean Cellise of Toulouse, France, bled to death after he cut himself open to check if his doctors had removed his appendix properly !!!!

‡ Forty-three-year old Miguel Arroya of Barcelona, Spain chopped both his ears off with a butcher's knife in 1994 so that he would not have to listen to his nagging mother- in - law. To his misfortune, he discovered almost immediately that he could still hear !!

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Time For An Oldie Prayer For Women:

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who's willy's thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks. When promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed. And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind. Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, the bed, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempts to shag my best friend. Amen.

Prayer For Men: Lord, I pray for a woman with big boobs. Amen.

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Penis Study In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180, 000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250, 000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, concluded their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that the large head of the penis was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

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The farmer from the OFS (Orange Free State, in South Africa) goes to his local farm co-op. to buy a potjie pot, he walks in and asks the attendant "Hoezit ekse, I'm looking for a kaffir (sic) pot" to which the attendant replys "noooit man, this is the new south africa we don't use that derogatory lingo anymore!" "So what do you call it then?" asks the farmer. "It's called a Caste Iron pot!" to which the farmer replies "Okay then, can you get a caste iron to put the caste iron pot in the back of my bakkie!!"

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Another Oldie,

Believe It Or Not A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastid. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his ****, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.

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A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it." "You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before will you give me a drink?" "You have a deal my friend," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gerswhin. "You're right I haven't heard anything like that before," says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."

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Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, " Hey DeBakey... Is dat you ? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, " So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work ? " DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,....."Try doing your work with the engine running. "

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A woman, completely fed up with her husband's AOL obsession finally takes matters into her own hands. One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, 'Time for Super Sex!' He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, 'Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!' Finally he replies, (all together now) 'Okay, I'll take the soup"