How To Translate A Woman's Description Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads

40-ish......................... 49

Adventurous.....................Slept with all your mates

Athletic.........................No tits

Average looking............ugly

Beautiful.......................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills

Educated......................Was fxxxed to bits at college

Emotionally Secure........On medication

Feminist.........................Fat

Free spirit......................Junkie

Friendship first...............Former Sl*t/born again virgin

Fun...............................Annoying

Gentle...........................Dull

Good Listener...............Autistic

New-Age......................Body hair problems

Old-fashioned................No BJs or anal

Open-minded.................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud & Embarrassing

Passionate......................Sloppy drunk

Poet...............................Depressive

Professional............... ...B*tch

Romantic.......................Fr*gid

Social............................Pus*y like a clowns pocket

Voluptuous....................Very Fat

Large lady.....................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.............Stalker

Widow...........................Murderer

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Killer Biscuits Wanted For Attempted Murder (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up & with her eyes closed, both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned & walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, & she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, & Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, & had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked & Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, & the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough & thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered & tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed & came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde

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An Arab diplomat, visiting the US for the first time, was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not accustomed to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.), & was constantly sending his manservant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. Time & again, Abdul would scamper off & return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well."

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Monica Lewinsky & Lorena Bobitt are walking down the beach & they see a man with a huge penis, the biggest penis either one has ever seen, Monica asks "Hey Lorena, Do you still carry that knife ?" "Sure Monica, Why?" Monica points to the corners of her mouth and says "Would you cut me here & here?"

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A Few Quickies

‡ If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

‡ I was born intelligent - education ruined me

‡ A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say..........

‡ Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

‡ Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.

‡ One should love animals. They are so tasty.

‡ Love thy neighbour. But don't get caught.

‡ Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

‡ Children in backseats cause accidents; Accidents in backseats cause children

‡ "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

‡ There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

‡ When two's company, three's the result !

‡ A dress is like a barbed fence It protects the premises without restricting the view

‡ The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn!

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A well-dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up & said "Is that you Pete??" Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don't think I know you" The second man said "You do, it's me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down" Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened Martin??" Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete. All in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??" Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that. I bought a three-story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman. On the second floor homo sex - you know, men shagging men- , & on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work : just me, the wife & the kids."

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>From The Strange But True Department --

Ever Had One Of Those Days Sections

Triple trouble for traffic chief Cape Town - Accidents tend to happen in threes & nobody is exempt. This saying came true for Vredenburg's traffic chief at the weekend when not only was he involved in a crash, but he also bit through his tongue & shot himself in the foot - literally. Vredenburg mayor Ignus Bester said of Japie Julies's rough weekend: "Traffic officers are never popular, but one would not wish this on one's worst enemies." Bester says Julies was off duty early on Friday night when he was involved in a collision with a car in High Street. On impact, he bit through his tongue & his service pistol, carried in a holster on his hip, fell out & went off, grazing him in the foot. Bester confirmed that Julies was on sick leave. "I saw him on Saturday morning - the poor man can hardly talk, let alone walk."

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A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, then knocks on the door. There's no answer, so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the jappy chappy. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles & says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?" "OK OK" , says the Japanese bloke, "I wheely bin having wank"

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A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

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An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2002 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

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A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike an 18-wheel Mack truck. "Vrroooom, vrrroooomm... Screeeech..... Vrrroooommm...." "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road hog down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress...humping and bumping. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm screwing his wife."

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The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said, "Mary had a little pig -- An scrawny little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes and smelled her little . . ." He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?" "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

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Finally, Maybe This Is What Should Be Done With Vegetables!

Ex-Mounties Guilty of Assault with Fruit, Veggies WINNIPEG, Manitoba (Reuters) - Two former members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have been convicted of assault with a weapon after attacking Winnipeg city police officers with fruit & vegetables. The two retired Mounties, who are brothers, were sentenced on Tuesday to two months in jail. "The two of you are a disgrace to every RCMP officer in Canada & to every peace officer in Canada," Manitoba Judge, Arnold Connor, was quoted as telling David Dauphinee, 52, & Daniel Dauphinee, 51, by newspapers that attended the trial. The produce assault took place in June, when police arrived at a downtown Winnipeg apartment building to investigate an unrelated break-in. When the Dauphinee duo, who were visiting a 19th-floor suite in the same building, spotted police on the street below, they began hurling oranges at them. They reloaded with apples & cooking onions. The Winnipeg police officers testified that they feared for their safety when the oranges & onions started exploding around them. When they arrived at the door of the suite, the recently retired Mounties, said be in a drunken stupor, hopped into bed & pretended to be asleep. They tried to blame David Dauphinee's then-girlfriend, Diane Bartlett, for the fruit & vegetable barrage, but a physiotherapist testified she was too petite to throw the oranges & onions that far. At the trial, Bartlett referred to the brothers as "Dumb & Dumber" & "the Gruesome Two-some."

Anyway, that's it for now. I had a nice Sunday visiting the Ebisu Beer Museum. It's worth a trip if you haven't been there & the best part is the tasting room at the end, where you can sample a variety of beers at only «200 for a glass! Worth remembering as cheap boozers in Ebisu are rare. Anyway, have a good week, stay cool & see you next week!