I said to my office colleague "Man, your new girlfriend sure is big & ugly." And he says "So is my dick, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time with it."

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Medical Alert The long-term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered: Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants & Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts & erections who can't remember what to do with them.

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If You're Feeling Dumb, Don't Despair -- You're Not Alone! You'll feel smarter after you read these quotes:

Question: If you could live forever, would you & why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.. We are the president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety% mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air & water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause & ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.." --Al Gore, when VP

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed & it will monitor their heart throughout the night. & the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ...

Feeling smarter yet?

*******

A priest was driving along & saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped & offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in & crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open & reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look & nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him & immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered & apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance & went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible & looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth & seek; further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!

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Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?" "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

*******

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country & bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up & said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went & spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny & asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece & made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up & eventually became the chairman of Enron.

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Sad But True A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, & introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that & what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace & for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, & I come back & pray for the eradication of illness & disease from the earth. & very, very important, I pray for peace & understanding between the Israelis & Palestinians." The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years & pray for these wonderful things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly, "It's like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."

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20 Things Moms Would Probably Never Say:

1.. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2.. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

3.. "Just leave all the lights on ... we have extra money this month for the bill."

4.. "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, that's good for another week."

5.. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me!"

6.. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for - give or take three or four hours."

7.. "I don't have a tissue with me... just wipe your nose on your sleeve."

8.. "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

9.. "Sure you can go joyriding with Evan. He's only had one major accident."

10.. "Don't bother cleaning your room, I bought a second set of dishes."

11.. "14 is too late to start dating...you need to experience a steady relationship when you're still young."

12.. "Just push that under the bed, you can always clean it up later."

13.. "Wow, maybe I should pierce my nose & navel too!"

14.. "Chocolate before dinner? Sure & have a Coke to wash it down."

15.. "Why are you taking a bath again? You took one last week.

16.. "Don't worry about totalling the car son. Our insurance will cover it."

17.. "That's the best you can do? I belched louder than that when I was seven."

18.. "Let's have a farting contest."

19.. "Just wipe your greasy hands on the dog."

20.. "No you can't take a bath this week!"

& What Mum REALLY Wants On Mothers Day

* To be able to eat a whole candy bar by myself.

* To have my 14 year old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

* Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

* A full-time cleaning person, who looks like Brad Pitt.

* For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full Scholarship & a job all in the same day!"

* A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

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(Believe it or not, I did adapt this to make it closer to the truth!)

In the beginning God created day & night. He created day for rugby, going to the beach & braais. He created night for going screwing, sleeping & braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming & braais on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt & yeast for beer & wood for braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals & crustaceans for chops, boerewors, steak & prawns for braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth Day God created a man - to go to rugby, enjoy the beach, drink the beer & eat the meat & prawns at braais. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this man was lonely & needed someone to go to the rugby, drink beer, eat & stand around the braai with. So God created pals, & God saw that they were good. God saw that it was good. Evening came & morning came & it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God saw that the men were tired & needed a rest. So God created women- to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook & pick up the empties. Evening came & it was the end of the Seventh day. God sighed, looked around at the twinkling braais, heard the hiss of opening beer cans & the raucous laughter of all the men & cherries, smelled the aroma of boerewors & sizzling prawns, & God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that ............. it was South Africa!

*******

A couple lived near the ocean & used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing...she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively & she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod & there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, & debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes & other electronic devices?" He hadn't & said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel, our big radio, & go lie on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch & the wife was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband & then leave. The man walked up the beach & met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife shrieked. The man grinned & said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied and.... ... Wait for it, wait for it .... "She sells C cells down by the sea shore."

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Eternal Truths

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by you again?

If the shoe fits...buy it in every colour.

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

*******

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, & she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room & asked him to "Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy."

The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note & then asked her son to "Bring this to your silly Daddy."

The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Haemorrhage, No Circus Today.

John read the note & quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "The lady in the kitchen".

The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, & The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, & Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note & then asked her son to "Take this to the poor man upstairs".

The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!

*******

Home Truths, Rugby Style Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped & discovered a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect & propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap & placed it over her right breast. The All Black fan took of his cap & placed it over her left breast. Following their lead the Australian fan took off his cap & placed it over her crutch. The police were called & when the officer arrived he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Springbok cap, replaced it, & wrote down some notes.. Next he lifted the All Black cap replaced it, & wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time & replaced it one last time. The Australian fan was getting upset & finally asked "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting & looking?" "Well," said the officer "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat I find an arsehole."

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room & sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip & leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car & asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago.". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room & goes across the hall into Bob's room. The nurse finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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An elderly South African widow has complained for years about her electricity meter "spinning like a top", even when she was not using any power in her home. Her complaints were ignored until it was found that three streetlights outside her flat had been connected to her power supply.

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Diary of an Inexperienced Chilli Taster Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Tester Named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment & I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILLI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILLI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILLI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN

CHILLI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pounder is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE:Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead & I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them!

CHILLI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice & peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, & garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted & I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILLI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.