Things That Women Should Understand.... á

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he/she finishes college. á

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. á

Q: My wife is five months pregnant & so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? á

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. á

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. á

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. á

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel & act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

Now Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, & eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand

1. OTHER WOMEN

******* Ne dŽtendez pas encore, La France.

-- Il y a plus ˆ venir

A young boy battered by his parents sits in court. The judge asks the boy whose parents are about to divorce: - Do you want to live with your father? - No, he beats me. - Do you want to live with your mother? - No, she beats me. - Who do you want to live with then? - With the French soccer team, because they don't beat anybody!

*******

The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans & Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community. Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity & consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.) The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists & applauds your efforts. Please by all means, send this to your fellow Patriots to ensure 100% participation.

*******

Football Is Such An Intellectual Game á

'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' David Beckham á

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' Mark Viduka á

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' Neville Southall á

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' Paul Gascoigne á

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, & hopefully after that as well.' Alan Shearer á

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' Mark Draper á

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, & I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows & we're knocked out.' Peter Shilton á

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' Stan Collymore á

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' Ade Akinbiyi á

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' Ian Wright á

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' Ugo Ehiogu á

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' Stuart Pearce á

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.' Lee Hendrie á

'I always used to put my right boot on first, & then obviously my right sock.' Barry Venison á

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' David Beckham á

'All that remains is for a few dots & commas to be crossed.' Mitchell Thomas á

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' Alan Shearer á

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' Johnny Giles á

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' Thierry Henry á

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' Les Ferdinand

England Headlines

á Poor Quality Seaman Leaves Bitter Taste For Sven

á Late Spurt Can't Disguise Low Quality Seaman

á Ulrika Comforts Sven After Early Seaman Spill

á England's Morning Glory Fades After Seaman Sticky Spot

á Sven's Hope Of Second Half Clean Sheet Ends After Seaman Spill

á I've Had A Bellyful Of Seamen Says Disgusted England Manager

á Sven Takes Seaman Drop On Chin

á Sven Finds Seaman Drop Difficult To Swallow

á England Slip After Seaman Spill

Fast forward to 2005, it is just before England v Brazil at the Millennium Stadium, an important World Cup qualifier game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shite & we can't be bothered" Ronaldo looks at them & says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself & the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)" He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later & the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the teletext on. "Result from the Millennium Stadium : Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - England 1 (D.Beckham 89 minutes). They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down" "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. & they only scored at the very very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes"

*******

Think about It!

á The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

á I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

á I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

á If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

á I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

á There are two sides to every divorce: Yours & the shithead's.

á I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

á Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

á I am a nobody, & nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

á I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

á Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

á Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

á How come we choose from just two people to run for president & 50 for Miss America?

á Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

á Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

á Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

*******

Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries: á

"I Lost My Honey Bunny on a Bad Hare Day"

á "Ain't No Trash Been in My Trailer Since the Night I Threw You Out"

á "You Want to Get Hitched, but My Heart Is Filled With Whoa"

á "Baked My Sweetie a Pie, but He Left With a Tart"

á "She Chews Tobacco, But She Won't Choose Me"

á "The Peach I Picked in Georgia Didn't Cling to Me for Long"

á "Don't Want The Floozy in My Jacuzzi"

á "I Found the Recipe for Heartbreak in a Cookbook on Your Shelf"

á "Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy"

*******

This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks. "WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered. In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself,, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here & take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character."

*******

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair & gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother & told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

*******

30 Things One Should Never Say During Sex"

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

I've never done this to a woman before.

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

Got any penicillin?

I want a baby!

When is this supposed to feel good?

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Did I remember to take my pill?

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

You're almost as good as my ex!

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Did you come yet?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?

*******

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

*******

Excuses NOT To Have Sex.

1) I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

2) We're out of paper bags for your head again.

3) You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.

4) You're 20 bucks short.

5) We're out of gin again.

6) I used my last sponge for the dishes.

7) Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

8) I can't tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching all those pornos.

9) Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.

10) Your gynaecologist just called - you still have crabs and you know how I don't like seafood.

*******

Not That I've Got Sex On The Brain But . . .

The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex: á

R: You're the one

W: Next. á

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.

W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane or something? á

R: You're the best I've ever had.

W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl. á

R: What colour are your eyes?

W: What colour do you want to paint the baby's room?

R: You make me forget my problems.

W: You make me forget I'm just 15. á

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.

W: I think we should go to the clinic. á

R: I love you.

W: I love you.