Jesus & Moses are hanging out one afternoon by a lake, reminiscing about the good ol' (testament) days. Moses walks over to the water's edge, gestures with his arms & shout "part!" As the water rolls back in on itself, creating a path across the lake Moses turns to Jesus & says, "Hey, I still got!" He walks back toward Jesus, with the waters settling back into place behind him. Not to be out done, Jesus proceeds to the water's edge then starts stepping out across the water, but almost immediately sinks. Perplexed, he returns to dry ground. Moses suggests he try it again, after all, why should the Son of God lose his ability to walk on water. Jesus tries several more times, each ending in wet, angry failure. Finally he returns to Moses & flops down on the ground next to him. After several moments of silently watching Jesus fuming & muttering to himself, Moses works up the courage & asks "Wait a second...did you ALWAYS have those holes in your feet?"

*******

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy & asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ... & I can prove it! Come with me!" They enter the bar & the bartender looks up & yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"

*******

(I Know It's Old But It's Appropriate!) There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"

2. He liked Gospel

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin & his mother was.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

*******

A penny-pinching old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought & consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank & withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic & leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out & grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

*******

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied . . .

*******

Names For Mother By Country.

England = Mum

American = Mom

New Zealand = the one in the corner with 482 stamped in her ear.

*******

This One Is Dedicated To My Former Partner

You have your money & your friend,

You loan your money to your friend,

You ask your money from your friend,

You lose your money & your friend.

*******

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, |what would you want?" "I'd love to be eight again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright & early & off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling & her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries & a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola & M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure. Finally she wobbled home with her husband & collapsed into bed. He leaned over & lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks & a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

*******

Some Thoughts On Marriage

I'm the man of the house. I always have the final word... "Yes, Dear."

Many a man owes his success to his first wife & his second wife to his success.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

Marriage is when a man & woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

I've sometimes thought of marrying, & then I've thought again

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder & lightning.

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.

Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancŽe Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Eighty% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe

Jackie Mason I had some words with my wife, & she had some paragraphs with me.

After marriage, husband & wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."

Behind every successful man stands a proud wife & an amazed Mother-in-law!!

"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's fifth husband. I have a lot of experience, but I don't know what is expected of me this time." Zsa Zsa's sixth husband "I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury."

******* What Kind Of Cake Are You Having?

Christmas Cakes Too Tough For Machine-Gun Fire (Reuters, 12/20)

- Drop it from a tall building? Hardly a scratch. Shoot it with a submachine gun? It survives. But run it over with a sport utility vehicle or kick it like a football & it crumbles, according to a just published investigation into that evergreen Christmas question: How can you get rid of the fruitcake? The Reno Gazette-Journal, in an effort to rid its readers' homes of the unloved seasonal treat, mounted a series of experiments to determine the best way to destroy a gift "nearly everyone receives & few actually want." "The SUV was what did them in most definitively," Camille Hayes, the Gazette-Journal reporter who organised the fruitcake survival test, said on Thursday. Hayes marshalled several aides and, using store-bought fruitcakes, organised the punishment. The first test involved dropping fruitcakes from the roof of a two-story house onto a concrete basketball court. "In the moments before it was let fly, our team wondered if the fruitcake would shatter, bounce or remain intact. The answer was none of the above," Hayes recounted. Instead, the cake survived the drop relatively unscathed, exhibiting only a few "fissures" in its dense body. The second test involved running over a fruitcake with a 3,000-pound (1,360 kg) sport utility vehicle. This proved to be more effective, leaving a "tire-marked, raisin-flecked smear on the asphalt," Hayes wrote. A third test, submitting the fruitcake to the power of a football place kicker, was also gratifying, resulting in an explosion of candied fruit as the fruitcake disintegrated. Strangely, a uniquely Nevada-style solution to the fruitcake problem -- shooting them with submachine guns -- proved disappointing, Hayes said. "Nevada is a state in which machine guns are legal to own & operate, so I thought it would be a treat to see what one did," Hayes said. Not much, as it turned out. Pummelling a pair of target fruitcakes with two M-11 fully automatic submachine guns resulted in only minor damage, Hayes reported. "The larger cake proved especially resilient. Rather than shattering it into the smithereens we had expected, the volley of bullets merely nibbled at its edges. & as for the dark centre of the beast, it proved too dense to lose its shape." Hayes said her fruitcake demolition campaign had garnered largely favourable reviews from the readers of the Reno Gazette, & that she might try again next year with some more ambitious strategies -- like dropping fruitcakes from a helicopter.

*******

Some Foreign Legionnaires had spent three years in the desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman & tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy & relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades. "And on the third day . . . " he began. Everyone hollers, "No! No! Start with the first day!" " And on the third day," the private continues, "She asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom."

*******

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervour. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it & throw it into the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it & throw it in the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey & demon rum in the world, I'd take it all & throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" The preacher sat down. The deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 & sing, 'We shall gather at the river'."

*******

Black & White

Dear White Fellah,

Copula things you ought to know. When I am born I'm black When I grow up I'm black When I get sick I'm black When I got out in the sun I'm black When I'm cold, I'm black When I get scared, I'm black When I die, I'm still black But You My White Fellah When you born, you pink When you grow up you white When you get sick, you green When you go out in the sun, you go red When you get cold, you go blue When you get scared, you yellow When you die, you go purple. And You Got The Cheek To Call Me Coloured!!!

*******

A tourist in a strange town notices that her wristwatch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long & frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks & wristwatches displayed merrily in the window. She walks into the shop & puts her wristwatch on the counter in front of the proprietor. Tourist: "Would you please fix my wristwatch? "Madam, I do not repair clocks or wristwatches. I am a Moel, I perform circumcisions." Puzzled, she asks, "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks & wristwatches in your window?" "Well, what should I have in my window?"

*******

Potatoes You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr.. and Mrs.. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam and when it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr.. and Mrs.. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr.. and Mrs.. Potato sent Yam to Idaho PU (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr.. and Mrs.. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... Are you ready for this? A Common Tater

*******

This sort of thing might spoil one's holiday!

Santa Shoots Woman (Reuters, 12/18)

- A man in a Santa suit set aside his bag of gifts, drew a gun from his trademark black belt & shot a woman on a Sao Paulo street, wounding her in the wrist & face. The unidentified Santa was handing out candy to motorists stopped at a traffic light when he yanked the draw strings on his bag of sweets, pulled a revolver from his belt & fired at a woman who was entering her car parked nearby, said a spokesman at the Sao Paulo police department. "The woman was wounded in her wrist & face but was not seriously hurt," said the spokeswoman. She said the incident did not appear to be a botched robbery but gave no other explanation for the shooting. A witness helped police artists draw up a composite sketch of the shooter Santa after she saw him with his beard, red suit & gloves removed. Those items, along with the gun, were recovered by police. Local media reported the woman was involved in a paternity suit & said police were investigating the crime as a possible act of retaliation.

*******

Another From The Strange But (Only In Japan) True

Department Japanese police arrest "God of Garbage" (Reuters, 12/21) - A Japanese sanitation worker known as the "God of Garbage" was arrested by police this week for threatening a bar owner at knifepoint because he refused to separate his trash, the Mainichi Daily news reported. Mizuo Tamura, 55, a manager in the environmental section in the Kajiki municipal government, was arrested for breaking Japan's Firearms & Swords Control Law early on Thursday, the newspaper said in its online edition. "(The bar owner) wasn't separating his rubbish properly," Tamura told police in Kagoshima on the southern island of Kyushu. Japan has rigid rules for separating different types of trash, including food refuse, general waste, business waste & bottles & cans. The newspaper said Tamura oversaw the town's garbage collection & had been arrested several times in the past for trying to enforce the rules in an over-enthusiastic way. "He's so keen on his work, everybody refers to him as the 'God of Garbage'," his boss was quoted by the newspaper as saying.