As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlour the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos." Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family & maybe a few friends. One limo just for us." They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses & lilies, dozens & dozens." Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough." Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."

*****

Read in a French newspaper (approximate translation - excuse my French)

ZAMBIA - Wonderful statement from Zambian tennis player Lighton Ndefwail, after his defeat against his countryman Musumba Bwayla: "Musumba is an idiot & he has no future as a tennis player. His nose is too long, he is cross-eyed & girls don't like him. He only beat me because my undies were too tight & because he farted every time he served, which made me lose the concentration for which I am famous all across Zambia"

*****

The soldier serving overseas & far from home was annoyed & upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement & asking for her photograph back. He went out & collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together & sent them to her with a note stating the following: "Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo & return the others."

*****

A woman hails a cab in NYC, jumps in & says to the cabbie. "T.G.I.F." The cabbie just shrugs his shoulders & says, "Huh?" She repeats, "T.G.I.F." The cabbie thinks about that for a moment & says, "S.H.I.T." Not understanding, she inquires about the meaning of the acronym. The cabbie responds, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"

*****

True Story (Would I Lie To You?) The scene: Australia v Zimbabwe McGrath was bowling to Eddo Brandes, the portly Zimbabwean. First he was nicked over slip for 4 & next was slashed through cover for 4. McGrath glared at him & said "Why are you so fat", to which the quick & very Zimbabwean style reply came "Because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit". Apparently all the Aussies were rolling around with laughter.

*****

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman went for a round of golf & their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, & landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over & angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket & said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's & Spencer's & get some knickers." Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up & landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid & he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket & said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's & get some knickers." Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up & landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket & said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

*****

A couple were spending their first night together as a married couple in the honeymoon suite of a posh hotel. The guy was in the bathroom having a wash when his wife called to him "Do you know what I want ?". He popped his head round the door only to see his wife lying stark naked on the bed. "No", he said. So she opened her legs & called out again "Do you know what I want ?". "No", he said again. So she opened her legs a little further & called "Now do you know what I want ?". Once again, he replied "No". Finally, she opened her legs as wide as she possibly could & shouted "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT NOW ?". & the guy said "All the bl**dy bed by the looks of things !!!".

*****

An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman. Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................." Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th.................." "Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady & walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later & asks if they are ready to order yet. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman. "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy. & then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...........". "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch." "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh. E E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb." "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub & the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand & leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration climbs aboard & goes for glory, & then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out ........(Wait for it, wait for it)"...............- D D D D D Derry!!!"

*****

Warning -- This Is Seriously Sick!

A tramp walks into a bar & approaches the barman. He asks- "Have you got any cocktail sticks here, mate?" to which the barman, looking puzzled, scratches his head & hands one over "sure.... there you go..." The tramp then walks off.. 5 minutes later, another tramp walks in.. "you haven't got any cocktail sticks here have you?" the barman pauses, looks at the tramp & gets out from behind the bar.. "there ya' are.." He then watches as the tramp scuttles out of the pub.. About 10 minutes later, yet another tramp walks in & approaches the barman.. "I don't suppose you could get me a straw could you please?" he asks.. The barman is having none of it, & snaps "Look, what the fuck is the deal with you tramps coming in here & freeloading all my stuff off me?" To which the tramp retorts "c'mon, mate.. someone's just been sick outside & all the best bits are gone!"

*****

Sad But Maybe True

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only o find him smiling & singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat & hard labour were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Phalaborwa. The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, & found him still happy to be sweating & straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Phalaborwa. At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledgehammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell, the Springboks must have won a Game!"

*****

Variation On An Oldie

"Hello?" "Hi, honey, this is Daddy, Is your Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank," After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Oh Yes, I do, & he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!" "Uh, Okay, then......here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs & knock on the bedroom door & shout to Mommy & Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" he asks. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on & ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug & went flying out the front window & now she's all dead." "Oh my God ! & what about your Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too & he was all scared & he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.....but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool & now he's all real dead too." ***long pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? ..................Is this 20852931É'

*****

Talking Of Oldies A Mancunian was sitting with a Scouser & a Geordie in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered & arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this & were finally imprisoned for life. But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, & she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." So the Geordie boy thought for a while & then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Scouser, watching the scene, said: "Please tie two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again. Before the Mancunian could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him & said: "As you are from the most popular city (?), & you are superior to your friends, you can have two wishes!". Thank you, Most Royal & Merciful Highness", The Mancunian replies. "My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes." "If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face. "and your second wish?" "Tie the Scouser to my back"

*****

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation. "I don't have one," she said. "Well, then, are you a friend of the groom?" he asked. "I should say not!" snapped the woman. "I'm the bride's mother!"

*****

The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on the way to the airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was. At the crowded gate, she turned & said, "Thanks for nothing, you cheap bastard." As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call!"

*****

Pearls of Wisdom

v The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

v I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

v Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

v I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

v If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

v I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

v There are two sides to every divorce: Yours & the shit head's.

v If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

v I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

v I am a nobody, & nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

v I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

v Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

v Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

v How come we choose from just two people to run for president & 50 for Miss America?

v Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

v Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

v Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

*****

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, & become a turkey farmer. He found a nice, used turkey farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next-door neighbour was also a turkey farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day & said, "Turkey farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 turkeys." The new turkey farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 turkeys died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my turkeys. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, & the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 turkeys died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?" 'Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure. But I think I'm not planting them far enough apart."

*****

A man went on a ski trip, & was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, & we consider that a pre-existing condition."

*****

Personal Ad Translations:

Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.

Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy & irresponsible.

Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.

Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.

Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive & off medication.

Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive & quiet.

Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.

Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.

Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 & in major denial.

*****

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand & said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on & answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, & waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits & asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, & yells, "Jesus Christ!!, are you still in there !!"