& You Thought Your Bar Bill Was High! (Evening Standard)

A businessman walked into a West End nightclub & bought drinks for every punter - a gesture of generosity which set him back more than £42,000. The man, who has requested not to be named, walked into Browns nightclub in Covent Garden just after midnight & asked for the DJ to turn the music down. He grabbed the microphone & declared to some 200 clubbers: "The drinks are on me." After three hours of exchanging high-fives with punters who crowded six deep at the bar, he left having signed a colossal drinks tab & adding on a £4,734.35 tip. When questioned about whether the story might just have been a PR stunt, club owner Richard Traviss said: "Absolutely not. We have yards of till receipts & electronic records. We also have the credit card receipt showing that one man paid for the lot. Unfortunately, he is adamant that he is not to be identified." Mr Traviss added: "He was a really genuine & nice man. Some people flash money about to impress. That wasn't the case with this one. He was going round making sure everyone had a good time. I've never seen anything like it." The German-born Spanish fruit importer toured the tables & dance floor taking drinks orders from scores of revellers. Till & credit card receipts show he spent £42,608.25. That included buying Mr Traviss 40 bottles of £250 Cristal champagne for his 30th birthday at a cost of £10,000; 49 bottles of £325 Cristal Rose for punters at a cost of £15,925; 20 bottles of £120 Bollinger champagne costing £2,400; 20 Baileys shots costing £140 & 20 Sambuca shots costing £140. The businessman is also known for similar generosity at the Pacha club in Ibiza & another club in Paris. One Browns reveller said: "No one could believe it at first. We thought this guy was joking."

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Look, A Shaggy Dog -- & An Old One At That!

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men & 1 Italian woman 2 French men & 1 French woman 2 German men & 1 German woman 2 Greek men & 1 Greek woman 2 English men & 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men & 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men & 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men & 1 Chinese woman 2 American men & 1 American woman 2 Irish men & 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men & the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other & the Greek woman is cleaning & cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, & started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo & are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, & have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand & palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion & treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving & how at least the taxes are low & it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

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>From The 'Strange But (Painfully) True Department Footballer bites team mate's penis (Reuters, 11/28)

- Sevilla's Francisco Gallardo has been charged by the Spanish soccer federation for biting team mate Jose Antonio Reyes' penis after he had scored in the club's 4-0 win over Valladolid at the weekend. Reyes was besieged by ecstatic teammates after scoring & Gallardo was seen to bend down & nibble at the goal scorer's genitalia in an unusual form of goal celebration, according to a report on Ananova.com. The midfielder could face a fine or suspension for his actions, which may deemed to be an infringement of what is described in the federation's rulebook as "sporting dignity & decorum". "I felt a bit of a pinch but I didn't realise what Gallardo had done until I saw the video," Reyes said. "The worst thing about it is the teasing I'm going to get from my team mates."

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Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. They are assembled in front of the new machine & instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer & then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The computer hums away for an hour & then comes up with the answer: "YES". The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "YES WHAT"? Instantly the computer responded: "YES SIR".

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A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, & asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar & said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool & asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar & asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeep', gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman & touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up & danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up & touched the Italian & said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head & did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back & exclaimed, "Don't you f**kin touch me! I'm on Disability!"

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A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day & age. The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions & my wife would make all the minor decisions. & in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

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Ouch! Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation -- jacking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, & so on - there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women. "But that's just a feminisation of 'jacking off,'" said the first. "You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing *I* call it." "What's that?" "Finishing the job."

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A Short History Of Medicine:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

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A horny college kid borrowed his roommate's car, scraped together every penny he could find, picked up his date at her parent's house & took her to a nice restaurant for dinner. But he got more & more upset when she proceeded to order everything pricey on the menu: fancy mixed drinks, lobster, champagne, the works. Finally, he couldn't stay silent any more & blurted, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?" "Nope," she replied with a demure smile, "but my mom's not trying to get laid either."

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I Hope You're Not Thinking About Lunch

A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. As they walk hand-in-hand, his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests that she go behind a hedge. She nods in agreement & disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight nylon knickers rolling down voluptuous legs & imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage and touches her leg. He quickly moves his hand up her thigh until suddenly, & with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex!" "No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."

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The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay and you're not. But you only have the one arse. Feel better?

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"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce." "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?" "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin." "It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

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Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine & women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house & tore inside. "Bring us some food." The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread" "War is War, bring us the food" So he gives his last morsel of food. "Bring us some wine" "But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!" "War is War, bring us the wine" So the young man manages half a bottle & gives it to them. "Now, bring us a woman" "But everyone has left the village. The only female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!" "War is War, bring her to us" The old woman is brought & she's so frail & weak that the soldiers decide against it & say "We'll let you off this time'" Granny goes, "The hell you will, War is War!!"

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Talking Of Old

Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded. At exactly the same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking? Don't look down.

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One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. The next night the man & his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down & spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe & tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

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Only 3 Weeks Till Christmas

Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days & nights. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

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A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful & during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, & we can take up where we left off." The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

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A young lady went to the convent to become a nun. As she was sitting outside one day, studying, she overheard the language being used by some construction workers who were building a new playground for the orphanage. She became so upset, she ran into the mother superior's office, crying. The older nun tried to sooth her, saying, "Now dear child, don't be upset by this, they are just good, god fearing men, they simply call a spade, a spade". "No they don't...(sniff)...They call it a f*ckin' SHOVEL!!!"

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Talking Of Sex v Making Coffee

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, & firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. & then you put in the milk.

v Laying A Carpet

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

v Hanging Wallpaper

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, & stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back & admire your handiwork.

v Putting Up A Tent

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

v Being In Therapy

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, & then hand over all your money.

v Being In A Crash

Going to the brink of death & back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriageway, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

v Going Fishing

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean & inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, & check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, & that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

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What do you call a blind stag? No eye deer.

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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, & points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off & bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, & it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, & the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back & announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

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Some Classic Tommy Cooper (a great, sadly deceased British Comedian) Quotes

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up & down, & people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, & this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, & said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up & down, don't they? The one I was in went back & forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. & the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, & the phone was ringing. I picked it up, & said 'Who's speaking please?' & a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. & there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, & I was driving along, & my boss rang up, & he said 'You've been promoted.' & I swerved. & then he rang up a second time & said "You've been promoted again.' & I swerved again. He rang up a third time & said 'You're managing director.' & I went into a tree. And a policeman came up & said 'What happened to you?' & I said 'I careered off the road.'

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What's the difference between Mick Jagger & a Fererro Roche? Once covered in knobbly bits & looks like a mouldy old bollock, And the other is a chocolate confection.

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One For All The Married Guys

"Here's a bonehead error that guys often commit in guest bathrooms: They see soap on a soap dish, & they use it to wash their hands. This of course ruins the guest soap, which is defined as "soap that guests are not supposed to use." Its purpose is to match the guest towels." -Dave Berry

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A mother & her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother & said, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

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A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, & neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules & pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

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Hope You Like Antiques

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin, caused by corporate down sizing & it's effects on a 50-year-old executive. Non pulsed she loaded him into her car & drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on & that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bankbook showing deposits & interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars & informed him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, & this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught & beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the seemingly disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business."

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You Know You Need A New Car When....

=> You pull over to let a fire truck go by, & it stops behind you.

=> You have to go to a repair centre every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

=> You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, & get accused of stealing.

=> The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

=> You return to your car & find someone broke in & left a hundred dollars & a new stereo.

=> Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.

=> The valet puts on a crash helmet & full-body armour before parking your car.

=> The car is so full of rust, that it's only the paint that is holding everything together.

=> The only reason you use the rear windscreen heater is to keep your hands warm while you push the car home.

=> The exhaust pipe is so full of holes that it can be played like a piccolo

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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10-speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill & tell me to take a hike!"

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A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

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Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door.