A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked & replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

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A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" "No", she said. Well", spoofed the dentist, "down in Mexico they have this big vat set up with a large tank of latex, & the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, & then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up & dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves & throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' & start the process all over again." The old woman just sat there & didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the procedure, the dentist had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed & exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.

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A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar & ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her & said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, & what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, & finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

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John sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally, he blurted, "Linda, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!" "What?!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?" "I've been watching you two, Herb answered, every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on!"

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John Howard the Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for a meeting with the Queen. Over a cup of tea, Howard brings up his grand new plans for his country. "Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?" The Queen shakes her head & replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Howard & unfortunately you are most certainly not a king." Not to be dissuaded, Johnny asks, "Would it be possible just to transform Australia into an empire then?" "No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, & you are most certainly not an emperor." Howard thinks for a moment & then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into a principality. The Queen replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, & you Mr Howard are definitely not a prince." Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty then adds: "I don't mean to appear rude but having met both you & several other Australians, I think Australia is perfectly suited as a country."

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Ouch! A German visiting London asks a hooker for a shag & she tells him it's twenty quid. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat & he gets out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you to put one of these on each elbow & one on each knee" he asks. The hooker is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him, which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her to start bouncing up & down on the springs & finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her. So he's banging away while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had. After they've finished she says... "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?" "Ah," he replies, smiling...... ......."Foursprung Duck Technique".

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Could It Be Hereditary?

"I understand that the unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region." -- President GW Bush "I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." -- his dad.

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One for the next Hens Night

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts & Spam

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties & act like a clown &

I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt

my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut

& I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don't belch in public,

I don't scratch my behind

I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman,

I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

& what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

& I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs & squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf & shoot basketball

I don't swagger & spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh & weep then screw you, roll over & fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding,

I don't cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men,

or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance & I'm thankful it's true

I'm so glad I'm a woman & not a man like you!

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Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other & says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

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Billy H.: Hey John, if you got drunk one night & woke up the next morning in the middle of nowhere with your pants down around your ankles & a used condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?

John G.: No way.

Billy H.: Want to go camping?

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& If You Thought That Was Old

When America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train. When in the foothills of the West, their inexperienced leader soon became lost. They were getting desperate when they came over a hill & saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to the old Jewish man & said, "We're lost & running out of food. Can you help us?" The old Jewish man said, "Mister, somevon told me something like dis. If you go up de hill und down de other side, I herd del be a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader. "Yeh, I vas told about ah bacon tree. " The leader goes back & tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge, so the wagon train goes up the hill & down the other side. Suddenly, a large band of Indians appear, attacks them & massacres everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the other side & the old Jewish man, who's enjoying a "glesseleh tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no "bacon" tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed & scalped everyone in sight." The old Jewish man holds up his hand & says "Vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary & begins thumbing through it. "Oy Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake." "I vuzn't told about a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

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Flasher Arrested On Train

KAWASAKI - Police said Tuesday they arrested a 46-year-old Economy, Trade & Industry Ministry (METI) official on Monday night on suspicion of exposing himself to three women on a JR train. Gives a whole new meaning to 'Government disclosure'!

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Some More Unusual Airline Announcements On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies & gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude & will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort & to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, & pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, & pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child pick your favourite.

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom & said, "That was quite a bump, & I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, & give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

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Please Do Not Try At Home

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, & there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 & rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policeman said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied, "I thought you said there were no cops available!"