The Queen Mother arrives at the Pearly Gates & sees Princess Diana waiting to meet her. 'My', says the grand old lady gazing admiringly above her head, 'How do I earn a halo that size?' Di replies, 'It isn't a halo. It's a steering wheel'.

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A man's been drinking in the bar alone for three hours straight, & the bartender is getting worried about him. He's downing whiskey sour after whiskey sour. Finally, after the man orders his twelfth whiskey sour, the bartender shakes his head & says, "Sir, I think you've had enough." The drunk looks at the bartender closely & says, "Wha - what's that you say?" The bartender swallows. "I said, I think you've had enough sir." The drunk points a finger, "Lis - listen Jack, I been drrrinking for thirty-six years & I have no idea when I've had enough - so h-how the h-hell should you?"

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Sue & Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, & they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk & bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. & finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

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A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport & wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs & says: "An English girl!!!" The woman kept quiet & left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport & asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." she replies "And, what happened to my present?" he asks "Which present?" she replied, forgetting about what they had said before she left. "What I asked for: the English girl?" he reminded her "Oh, that!" She said, suddenly remembering what they'd talked about "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it's a girl!!!"

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A woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its pram when she was approached by an old friend. The woman leaned over, peered into the pram & said, "What a beautiful baby boy! Little Jesse looks just like his father." "I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

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At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, & she discovered little Jesse with a cat underneath his desk. She said, "Why do you have your cat at school?" The little boy started crying, "When I woke up this morning I heard the mailman tell my Mummy, 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!' "

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When NASA started the launch of the astronauts, they found that pens didn't work in zero gravity. To resolve this problem, they contracted Anderson's Consulting (today known as Accenture). This company spent 1 decade & 12 million dollars developing a pen that would write in zero gravity, upside down & could be used under water, on practically any surface, including crystal, & in different temperatures, from 0 to more than 300 Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

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& You Thought The Aussies Were Dumb

á Like the Victorian man who extracted his own belly button fluff every day for 18 years & amassed a record-breaking half an ounce of the stuff.

á Or the Sydney man who downed 34 beers, 4 bourbons & 17 shots of tequila in 100 minutes at a Feral Friday drinking competition, then slept it off - permanently.

á Or the Test cricketer asked by a waitress whether he wanted his pizza cut into six or eight pieces who replied: "Better make it six. I can't eat eight."

á Or the 1970s fast bowler lambasted by tour management for autographing a pile of bats upside down who asked: "How did you know it was me?"

á Or the rugby union player concerned about altitude in South Africa who asked team mates while jogging on a Durban beach: "How high above sea level are we here?"

á Or much-loved AFL legend Jack Dyer's gems like: "I won't say anything in case I say something."

"Bartlett's older than he's ever been before."

"Bamblett made a great debut last week, & an even better one today."

And: "Fitzroy copulated to the opposition."

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Puns Of The Weak

á What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?

He probably had a bad hare day.

á What does it mean when you see thirty rabbits in a row & they are all marching backwards? A receding hareline.

á What would you call Ted Kazynski if he was castrated, released from prison & assigned to work in a mortuary? The eunuch-embalmer

á A rich fellow had a red Rolls Royce which was his pride & joy. He doted over it as if it were his dog or cat. In fact, he referred to it by terms that are commonly used to describe ones domestic companions. Thus, whenever someone came to visit, this fellow would call to his chauffeur to do something which, coincidentally, is a command often used by world leaders to show respect to visiting dignitaries. What would he tell the chauffeur? "Roll out the Red Car Pet"

á When my bride refused to cook me any type of soup, I had our marriage annulled. What grounds did I have? The marriage had never been consommeted

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Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave? Little Johnny: Yes, sir. Teacher: & didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't? Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

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A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid soldier raised his hand & asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air & scatter oneself over a wide area."

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A guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Center left home for work on Sept. 11. When he got to Manhattan, he decided to spend the morning at his girlfriend's apartment in the Village. When he got to her place, he turned off the phones, TV and radio & spent the entire morning in bed with her. At about 11:00am, while still at her place, he turned his cell phone back on to retrieve messages. A second later it rang. His wife was on the phone screaming at him, "I've been trying to call you for over two hours!! I've been worried sick about you! Are you OK?!?" He answered calmly that he was fine. The wife then asked, "Where are you?" The guy said, "Where in hell do you think I am? I'm in my office!"

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Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up & rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie & promises to grant Igor only one wish. "Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, & I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can't think of anything that I really need," says Igor. "Think hard," says the Genie, "there must be something you wish that you had." So Igor thinks long & hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, "You know, I really do love drinking good Vodka, but sometimes I just can't find it when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could piss Vodka." "Very well," says the Genie, "Pissing Vodka you shall have." The genie hands him a glass & instructs him to piss in it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does. "This is the best Vodka I've ever tasted!" Igor exclaims. "Thank you." & the Genie disappears, & Igor returns home. That night Igor gets 2 glasses & pisses into each one. He takes them into the den & gives one to his wife to drink & one for himself. "This is delicious," his wife Raisa tells him. So every night for the next 5 nights he comes home from work, pisses in 2 glasses & enjoys the drink with his wife. On the seventh night he comes home from work but only pisses Vodka into one glass. When he enters the den, Raisa asks him, "Where is my drink dear Igor." "Ah," Igor replies, "Tonight I will teach you how to drink right from the bottle."

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Bloke goes into a pub, & the barmaid asks what he wants. 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage & lick the sweat from between your t’ts' he says. 'You dirty bastard' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.' The bloke apologises & promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this & asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse & lick it all off' he says. 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms. Again, the bloke apologises & swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off & fill your pussy with Guinness, & then drink every last drop from the hairy cup' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, & runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up love?' he asks 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my t’ts & lick the sweat off', she says. 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband. 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks & lick it off' she screams. 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for his cricket bat. 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness & then drink it all' she cries. The husband puts down his bat & returns to his armchair, & switches the telly back on. 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically. 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'

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Lastly, Here's Some Food for Thought Facts about the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May & still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had he privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons & men, then the women & finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it-hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats & other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery & sometimes the animals would slip & fall off the roof - hence the saying "It's raining cats & dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs & other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts & a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt.

Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway hence, a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire & added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables & did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight & then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while -hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests & would all sit around & "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning & death. This often happened with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread, which was so old & hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed & a lot of times worms & mould got into the wood & old bread. After eating off wormy, mouldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, & guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would some times knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead & prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days & the family would gather around & eat & drink & wait & see if they would wake up -hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old & small & the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins & would take the bones to a "bone-house" & reuse the grave. When re-opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside & they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin & up through the ground & tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer". And that's the truth...and whoever said that History was boring?