Jack left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around & headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he quietly tiptoed up behind her, reached out, & squeezed her left tit. "Just leave one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

*******

Quickies Time!

Are prostitutes always overweight? It depends on how much they charge per pound.

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Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

During foreplay, he's always double clicking your G-spot.

His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, & a tissue dispenser.

When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

As you undress, he takes out his credit card & tells you his birthday.

During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

*******

A husband was awakened one night by a sound in the house & asked, "Who's there?" A voice from the shadows replied, "A burglar." "What are you looking for?" asked the hubby, & the voice replied, "Money." To which the hubby replied, "Wait, I'll get up & help you!"

******

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" & the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans? ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it? ?

There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

If you take an Oriental person & spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*******

A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll." Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hardworking girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, & is very efficient." "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch." the daughter said.

*******

Some Classic Bumper Stickers

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else & Seek Counselling!

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My butt.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen upside down on a jeep]

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Boldly Going Nowhere

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down... Before He Admits He is lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But Poverty Sucks!

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

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Pilot Conversations the Passengers Never Heard

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 & make a right at the light to return to the airport."

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!" Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; & yes, we copied Eastern & we've already notified our caterers."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control & a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206". Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway & slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for a start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

*******

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, & asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have such little hair on his head?" "He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. "Then, why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny. "Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother....

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Lastly, & Talking of Oldies, One For All English Teachers

English is a hard language to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? Your house can burn up as it burns down, you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.