I know it's old but it's still cute!

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?" She replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."

*******

A husband & wife were sitting home one evening watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." The husband looks at the wife & says, "C'mon honey, lets go upstairs & fool around." Wife says, "No!" Husband says, "Aw c'mon. Let's go upstairs & fool around." Wife again says, "No!" Husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" Wife says, "Yes, that is my final answer." Husband then asks, "Well then, can I phone a friend?"

*******

Hope You've Finished Breakfast

A vicar whose name was Keith

Liked to circumcise boys with his teeth

It wasn't for pleasure or sexual measure

But to get to the cheese underneath

*******

Been There, Done That

Walking home from the pub, this guy hears a "Psst! Psst! -Give me a hand with this pig would you?"- "Sure", said the guy, "what are you planning on doing with it?" "I'm carrying it indoors & putting in the bath-tub" "Why the hell do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?" "Well, you see, it's my wife, she is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again. She says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again. She says I know! I tell her Francis down the road is ill in hospital & she knows that too. Well, tomorrow morning...she always gets up before me. And when she to me runs screaming THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A PIG IN BATH! I'll just turn to her & say Yeah, I know!"

*******

Quickies

• How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer? Tipex all over the monitor
• A skeleton walks in to a bar & orders a beer & a mop.
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• Two blokes walk into a bar. You'd have thought the second bloke would've seen it but.

*******

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E & F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, here is the answer...

A - Almost Boobs...

B - Barely there.

C - Can't Complain!

D - Damn!

DD - Double damn!

E - Enormous!

F - Fake

*******

What, Another Oldie? You Bet!

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You will go into the field with the farmer & suffer under the hot sun, have calves & give milk to support the farmer & for this I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's sort of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years & you can have the other forty back." God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "You'll sit all day by the door of your house & bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I'll give you a life span of twenty years." The dog thought then said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years & I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "You'll entertain people, do monkey tricks, & make everyone laugh. I'll give you a life span of twenty years." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. The Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do also, okay?" & God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "You'll eat, sleep, play, have sex, & enjoy life. Your life span will be twenty years." Man thought & said, "What? Only twenty years? No way. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, plus the forty the cow returned, & the ten the dog gave back & the ten the monkey gave back. That totals eighty years, okay?" "Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."

So that's why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, & enjoy life; for the next forty years we slave in the hot sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; & for the last ten years we sit in front of the house & bark at everybody"

*******

Yet More Words to Live By

I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours & the shithead's.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

*******

Posh Spice & David Beckham now have a son named Romeo. Looking ahead, the lad has his first chance to play for Man U & he asks his proud dad "What number shirt should I wear?" After considerable thought, Becks replies: "Wear four out there, Romeo."

*******

One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well & said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."

*******

Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat. "That's a lovely garment Dottie," purred one woman "It must have cost you a fortune!" "But it didn't," said Dottie, "just a single piece of ass." "You mean," continued the admirer of the coat, "One that you gave your husband?" "No," smiled the coat wearer, "One that he got from the maid."

*******

An elderly couple were on a cruise & it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up & washed the old man overboard. They searched for days & couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by & finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck & attached to his back end was an oyster & inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise." The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl & re-bait the trap."

*******

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks. The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

*******

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, & he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? & work in the dark?"

*******

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground & yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' & the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

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Something to offend nearly every ethnic group in Oz

Bankstown School Mathematics Exam

NAME ............................ GANG ............................

Time allowed 1 hour

If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front & back & puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a car & drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine & he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 & 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink & works for his brother as a builder & receives a further $400.00 per week & then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

If the average spray can covers 22 square metres & the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair & Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots & shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months & this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop & works as a Taxi driver on weekends & earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many ounces of cut will he need?

Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore & $100.00 for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW's & three Falcons, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?

Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate" in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 & Penrith has a population of 10,000?

If Luigi drives his family & cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift & he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,00.00 for the hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money will be left when he gets out of prison & how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?

If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda & Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from Julie?

*******

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel & swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red sticky ball which is the egg. Address it & say, 'I'm a sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively & the instructor said, "Then, good luck!" Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately & ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back & saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red sticky ball. When at last he reached the red sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled & said, "Hi, I'm a sperm." The red sticky ball smiled & said, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

*******

Actual announcements made BY London Tube (subway) train drivers.

"Ladies & Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound & go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow & backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday & I hit the town & had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford & East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies & gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station & we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it & pass some time together. All together now....' Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies & gentleman...unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct & separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, & move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there & shove them up your a**e - sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

*******

Two Sides to Everything Women's Motto

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, & it's our job to stomp on them & keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Motto "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity & intoxicating to the mind & then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour & vinegary & give you a headache."