Addenda to Murphy's Law

á Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

á Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

á I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

á When the chips are all down, the buffalo is empty.

á Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

á Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

á Honk if you love peace & quiet.

á Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

á Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

á It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try & pass them.

á You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

á If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

á Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

á Shin: A device for finding furniture.

á A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

á Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

á I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

á When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

á Light travels faster than sound...This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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So the French Thought They Could Sneak Away? WRONG!

á What's the difference between a Wonderbra & France? A Wonderbra has decent support & a cup.

á What's the difference between France & Grimsby Fishermen? Grimsby fisherman score quite regularly & know where the back of the net is.

á What's the difference between a mini & Barthez's goal? You can only fit 2 comfortably in the back of a mini.

á What's the difference between a new student & the French? After two weeks a student has managed to score at least once.

á What's the most expensive ticket on the black market in Japan? The next flight from Tokyo to Charles de Gaulle.

á What's the difference between France's & China's world cup campaign? 3 days.

á What's the difference between France's World Cup campaign & Garlic? Garlic has influence & tends to linger.

á What's the difference between French Football & the Euro? The whole of Europe is united in its view on French Football.

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Ah, So True! A man goes to the doctor & says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... I give the missus a quick one, & then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next-door neighbour's wife who gives me a blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work & then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room & crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel & give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home & slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus another screw...... "So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

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There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon but couldn't because of their wives, so one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course & were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!" The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!" The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!" They both look at him & asked how he managed that! The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye & asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater & said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"

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Government Health Warning

-- The Hazards Of Eating Bread

á More than 98% of convicted criminals are bread users

á Half of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on standardised tests.

á In the 18th Century, when almost all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth & diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever & influenza ravaged whole nations.

á More than 90 % of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

á Primitive tribal societies which eat no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease or osteoporosis.

á Bread has been shown to absorb water. Because the human body is 90% water, there is the possibility that ingesting bread could lead to the body being progressively being absorbed by this substance.

á Newborn babies could choke on bread.

á Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact & meaningless statistical babble.

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I Know Its Old But It's Still Good!

Drink Traits

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer

Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her caba boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)

Personality: Conservative & classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel & spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy & sophisticated, actually she has NO clue. Possibly lives in a trailer. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is ... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang in bars WAY too often, looking to get totally drunk...red flag for identifying bar flies & raging alcoholics. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad.

Drink: Tequila

No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum

---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple & clear cut:: Domestic Beer: He's poor & wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer & wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the super-model at the end of the bar.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

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A flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors & unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, & finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate & were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane & the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official & the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. 'Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"

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While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach & picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle & with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, & said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it & be off with you !" The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" & disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, & Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good.

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An elderly man goes into a brothel & tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man & asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

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Sickies But Quickies

Q : What is the definition of confidence? A : When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the arse & say "you're next".

Q : What's the difference between a bitch & a whore? A : A whore sleeps with everyone at a party, a bitch sleeps with everyone at a party except you.

Q : What 3 words do you dread most while making love? A : "Honey, I'm home".

Q : What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A : Wiped his arse.

Q : What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common? A : They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.

Q : How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A : The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q : What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A : Full.

Q : Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken? A : By the time you've finished with the breasts & thighs all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q : Why does Mexico have no Olympic team? A : Because everyone who can run, jump & swim is already in the US.

Q : What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised? A : With a divorce you get rid of the whole prick.

Q : When is a pixie not a pixie? A : When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin

Q : How can you tell if a valentine's card is from a leper? A : The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q : Why do blondes have more fun? A : They are easier to keep amused.

Q : Why did God invent alcohol? A : So ugly people can get laid.

Q : How do you get 3 little old ladies to say "fuck"? A : Get a 4th little old lady to shout "Bingo".

Q : Why did God invent women? A : Because sheep can't get beer out of the fridge.

Q : What's the difference between a woman from Milton Keynes & a walrus? A : One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.

Q : How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? A : None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'coping with darkness.'

Q : How do you make a dog drink? A : Put it in a liquidizer.

Q : What do you do if your boiler explodes? A : Buy it some flowers.

Q : What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the 2nd date? A : Patient.

Q : How can you tell soap operas are fictional? A : In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Q : Why do bachelors like smart women? A : Opposites attract.

Q : Why do Italians grow moustaches? A : So they can look like their mothers.

Q : Why do men take showers instead of baths? A : Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q : Did you hear about the new shade of paint called blonde? A : It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

Q : Why do women have foreheads? A : So you have some place to kiss them after they give you a blowjob.

Q : Why do men pay more than women for car insurance? A : Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

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Doctors & Guns Number of physicians in the US :

700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000 Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 Number of gun owners in US: 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths per year: 1,500 (all age groups) Accidental gun deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188 Statistically doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners FACT: not everyone has a gun but everyone has at least one doctor

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This One is Worth Thinking About

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, & you see three people waiting for the bus: á An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. á An old friend who once saved your life. á The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, & thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, & this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY? .

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He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, & let him take the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind & wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box"