Time for Some Quickies

• There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.

• How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.

• What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...

• What's the difference between watching the Special Olympics and watching an AOL chat room? When you watch the Special Olympics you think to yourself, "Damn, those poor bastards really might have a chance in life."

• What are the three words you really don't want to hear while you're making love in your bedroom? "Darling, I'm home."

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Questions to Ponder

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

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A small boy walked into a police station one day & said, 'I've got three big brothers & we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs & the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.' 'Are the any windows in your room?' asked the officer. 'Yes, of course there are!' said the boy. 'Have you tried opening them?' 'What & lose all my pigeons ?'

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Impossible Words To Say When You Are Drunk

Thanks, but I don't want sex.

No, I don't want another drink.

No kebabs for me thank you.

Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.

Good evening officer

I'm not interested in fighting you.

No one wants to hear me sing.

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Sam was telling his friend Alan that he gave up fishing to take up golf & that he liked golf much better. "How come?" inquired Alan. "Because when you lie about golf, you don't have to show anybody anything," said Sam.

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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. Thinking "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat," she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man gets up again. She is insulted again & refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

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"Doctors at the hospital have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

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Why Masturbation Is Better Than Sex:

You know whom your dealing with.

You don't have to buy flowers or chocolates.

You know when you've had enough.

You don't have to be polite.

You don't have to make conversation.

You don't have to look your best.

You meet a better class of person

You don't have to respect yourself in the morning.

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Ouch!

Once there was this man name Jeff. He was married to this lady named Lorane. Well he had just started this new job & his secretary was a very beautiful lady named Clearly. (Because he could CLEARLY see how beautiful she was) Well lately he had been messing around with Clearly! So one day he decides to get rid of his wife Lorane. So he tells her he wants to go for a walk, so she joins him. As they are walking across a bridge he pushes her off & says I Love you but you gotta go!!! Then he walks off singing "I can see Clearly now that Lorane is gone"!!!!

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A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

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A lion in a Cape Town zoo was lying in the sun licking its ass when a visitor turned to the zookeeper & said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Vaalie (Transvaal resident) into the cage & completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

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A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges & feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied & won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. Amazed, the bartender says, Hey, you can talk! Sure, pal, says the duck. Now can I get that drink? Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. I work on the building site across the street, says the duck. You should join the circus, says the barkeep. You could make a mint. The circus; the duck replies. What the hell would the circus want with a bricklayer?

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After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings & me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children & this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?" "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

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A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him & says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, & just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

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More Ouch

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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Talking of Ouch

Two Palestinian terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out & is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He was a suicide bomber. Here's my second son. He was also a suicide bomber." .... There's a pause... The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, kids... they blow up so fast these days, don't they?".

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Priceless Comeback

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter & said, "I HAVE to be on this flight & it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, & I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled & grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth & swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled & said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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A Redneck walks into a gun shop. Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?" Redneck Guy: "I'm lookin' for a gun." Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?". Redneck Guy (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right." Owner (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?" Redneck Guy: "It's for shootin' at cans." Owner (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans." Redneck Guy (pointing at the .44): "Nah, I need this one." Owner: "Damn, what kinda cans are you shooting?" Redneck Guy: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans..........."

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Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring & inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe & promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come & sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over & is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

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From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous & not scripted like they are now.

Q. Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light? A. Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false... a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes ...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party & you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly & ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning!

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple & a twenty.

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

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The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it & poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!" She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face, & pointing out the window she said, "Don't sell that cow!"

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An American Marine, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R & was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the Marine walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged lady & was being used by her little dog. The war weary Marine asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the Marine, sniffed & said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The Marine walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose & snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The Marine didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train & sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked & railed, & demanded that someone defend her & chastise the Marine. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. & now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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A new nun went to her first confession. She told the priest that she had a terrible secret. The priest then told her that her secret was safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She said, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckled & said, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, & do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

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A rugby player is feeling ill, goes to see his doctor, & is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. He wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, & the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests & we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of gonorrhoea, AIDS, syphilis, & herpes!" "My gosh, doctor! What are you going to do?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, & pitta bread." "Will that cure me?" "Well no, but it's the only food we can push under the door."

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Office Memo

We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin & Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time.