A guy walks in & sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised & bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend & I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

*****

Bin Laden Dept. Terrorists Found In Liverpool! Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in Huyton, Liverpool, England. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Liverpool Police stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin & Bin Fighting have been arrested under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. The police further advise that they can find no one fitting the description of the forth cell member, Bin Workin, despite an extensive search across the City. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot & stand out in the community & News flash..

CNN have film of what they believe is an Irish SAS attack on Kabul...four guys were seen throwing 2 buckets of sand & 1 of cement over the wall of the Taliban compound...The Taliban said they were being mortared...

BBC TV has a programme called Celebrity Chef. The idea is that someone famous comes on as guest & demonstrates their favourite dish. Last week apparently their guest was Osama Bin Liner. His favourite dish was a big apple crumble.

Osama Bin Laden Goes to a travel agency & says: I want to buy an airplane ticket. Agent asks him: To which floor sir?

Taliban TV Times

6.00: G-Had TV. Morning prayers.

8.30: Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a stinger missile launcher.

9.00: Shouts of Praise. More prayers.

11.00: Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30: Panoramadan. The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world.

13.30: Xena - Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00: Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30: Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00: Madrasah Challenge. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30: I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00: Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

17.00: Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30: Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00: Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30: Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00: Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30: Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.30: Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30: They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.

00.00: When Islams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00.30: The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00: A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.

Makes You Think

The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11

September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11

After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.

119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11

Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11

The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11

I Have More...

State of New York

- The 11th State added to the Union New York City

- 11 Letters Afghanistan

- 11 Letters The Pentagon

- 11 Letters Ramzi Yousef

- 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack on the WTC in 1993)

-Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11

-Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11

PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also.

*****

From The 'Strange But Really True' Department

BBC Ocean Programme Filmed In Tank (Reuters, 10/13) - Something seemed fishy about parts of a BBC series that promised to expose the depths of the world's oceans -- some scenes were filmed in an aquarium in Wales. The BBC's 8-part extravaganza "The Blue Planet" couldn't capture lobsters spawning in the Atlantic so it taped the scenes in an aquarium, the Sun newspaper reported on Saturday. The paper said the BBC, which poured £7 million into the series, simulated a seabed in a glass tank & employed special lighting to recreate the look of the icy waters off Nova Scotia, Canada. But the BBC denied it was trying to hook viewers with a con. "The audience want to know about lobsters, about the story," the series' producer Alastair Fothergill told the paper. "Suddenly saying 'We filmed this here, we filmed that there' is going to break the mood...I would say 2% of the whole series has been filmed in tanks," he added. The series, a smash ratings success featuring plenty of real footage of exotic creatures miles deep in the ocean, took 5 years to film & was narrated by legendary director David Attenborough.

*****

Husband & wife making love, husband has a heart attack & dies. Unfortunately he dies with an erection & it simply will not go away. The mortician phones up the wife from the funeral parlour & says that the only way they can get the lid on the coffin & keep her husband in one piece is to cut off his penis & stick it up his rear end. She says 'Ok but don't put the lid on until I've been down to say goodbye to him.' She goes down to the funeral parlour & is shown through to the chapel of rest & left alone. She's standing gazing at her late husband when she sees a single tear rolling down his cheek. She leans over the coffin & whispers: "I told you it fucking hurts, didn't I."

*****

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night. Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows & start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven & says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing." The second nun looks up & says, "This one does!"

*****

A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car & knocks her down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out & runs to the lady lying on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..." Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her & says, "How many fingers do I have up?" "Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralysed too, am I?"

*****

Makes a Change From Lawyer Jokes! Albert Einstein died & went to heaven, only to be informed that his room was not ready. The doorman said, ' I am very sorry, but for the moment you will have to share the room with some others.' Einstein remarked that this was no problem at all. The doorman then introduced him to the other inhabitants. 'This is you first room-mate' said the doorman. 'He has an IQ of 180.' 'Why, that's wonderful', said Einstein. 'We can discuss mathematics.' 'This is you second roommate', said the doorman. 'He has an IQ of 150.' 'That's wonderful', said Einstein. 'We can discuss physics.' 'This is your third room-mate', said the doorman. 'He has an IQ of 120.' 'That's wonderful', said Einstein. 'We can discuss literature.' Just then, another man moves forward to shake Einstein's hand. 'I'm your last room-mate,' said the man. 'I'm afraid my IQ is only 60.' Einstein smiled back at him & said 'So, where do you think interest rates are headed?'

*****

Now It's the Doctors Turn!

An attractive young woman who had just had surgery performed on her asked the doctor, "Will the scar show?" The doctor replied, "That's entirely up to you."

A man tells his doctor his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it. The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

*****

Grandma & Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV & the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up & slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set & her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set & his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him & said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

*****

What Every Man Expects In A Wife:

She will always be beautiful & cheerful. She could marry a movie star, but wants only you. She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops. Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm. She will never be sick--just allergic to jewellery & fur coats. She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure. She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, & keeping quiet. Her favourite hobbies will be mowing the lawn & shovelling snow. She will hate charge cards. Her favourite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?" She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America. She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done. She will love you because you're so sexy.

What He Usually Gets.... She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180. She was once a model for a totem pole. Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking. She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating. She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, & everything you say. No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory. If you get lost, open your wallet & she'll find you.

*****

For Sale By Owner: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or the best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows F++KING everything.

*****

Some Quickies

Why do vampires drink blood? Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

What does a Welsh girl say during sex? "Git off me Dad, your crushin my smokes."

*****

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver & passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush & hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey & said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer & shook his head up & down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up & down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand & turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together & held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, & smoking marijuana before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving," motioned the monkey.

*****

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings & me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, "'do all these children & this luggage belong to you?'' 'Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' 'Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

*****

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbour and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbour replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see." Well, what the hell? She does it. Next day her neighbour asks how it worked. "So-so" she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."

*****

A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

*****

"How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the prisoner. "Well, your Honour, it's like this...as soon as those lawyers found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me."

*****

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totalling a great deal of money. The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer. The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

*****

Lastly, Some Announcements

From The London Underground (The 'Tube')

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon ) Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line, simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close..."Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."