A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father. "Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl. "You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father. "I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

* * * * *

There was a lawyer & he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, & his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open & he said, "You're beautiful!" & then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open & he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

* * * * *

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horses' legs, rump, & chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?" "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried & said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked. "Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, & I think he wants to buy Mom!"

* * * * *

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her gammon was dangling a bit too low & looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time & childbirth had taken its toll & she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here & a tuck there so it looked more like a Cornish pasty rather than toad in the hole. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. 'Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well & you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?" "That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears"

* * * * *

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the calorific content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................... 12 Calories

Without her consent................. 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands..................... 8 Calories

With one hand....................... 12 Calories

With your teeth..................... 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection.................. 6 Calories

Without an erection................ 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris........ 8 Calories

Trying to find the G-Spot......... 92 Calories

POSITIONS: Missionary......................... 12 Calories

69 lying down....................... 78 Calories

69 standing up...................... 112 Calories

Wheelbarrow......................... 216 Calories

Doggy Style......................... 326 Calories

Italian chandelier.................. 912 Calories

ORGASMING:

Real.............................. 112 Calories

False............................... 315 Calories

POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging.............. 18 Calories

Getting up immediately.............. 36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:

20-29 years old.................... 36 Calories

30-39 years......................... 80 Calories

40-49 years........................ 124 Calories

50-59 years........................ 972 Calories

60-69 years......................... 2916 Calories

70 & over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:

Calmly............................. 32 Calories

In a hurry.......................... 98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door.. 1218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door.. 3521 Calories

* * * * *

Looking for job? Keep this guide handy.

Human Resource Dictionary

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night & some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want & do it.

* * * * *

A couple of hunters in the Deep South are out in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses to the ground. The other guy shakes him, & gets no response. In a panic, he whips out his cell phone & calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Take it easy. I can help. The first thing I need you to do is make sure he's really dead." There's a short silence, then a gunshot rings out. The guy comes back on the line, "OK, now what?"

* * * * *

Time for an Oldie After days in the wilderness Paddy & Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west & ask for two beers. Unfortunately they've got no money & the barman won't give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the barman who gives him 1,000 dollars. The barman shakes his head & says, "I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife & killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars." The two Irishmen look at each other & then go off to find a Red Indian. Later that day they see one, & Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Paddy & Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Suddenly Mick says,"Paddy look at thisS(." Paddy says,"in a minute" "No, look at thisS(.,"says Mick. "No, can't ya see i'm f**kin busyS(.." Mick grabs hold of him & Paddy looks up & sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine. "F**k me," says Paddy, "we're gonna be millionaires."

* * * * *

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week & feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing & hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway & fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth & began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons & began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green & the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, & stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

* * * * *

Shaggy Dog Time

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch !" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for !" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish !" "Really ? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch !" Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it ?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch !" Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught !" Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father !" "It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, it eat of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days & that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean that Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner." "Sister ! I'll clean it if you're so upset ! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, It's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really." "Oh well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it & that Son of a Bitch can be the main course ! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, & the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it ?" "I caught the Son of a Bitch ! " proclaimed the proud priest. The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch !", exclaimed the Sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The Pope looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face. "You f**kers are alright !"

* * * * * *

John was a farmer who loved to hunt. One night he told his wife, Elsie, that he was going hunting in the morning & she was going too, & the only way to get out of it was to either have sex with him or give him oral sex. The next morning comes about & John goes & checks on the dog & comes back. He asks Elsie: "Have you made your decision yet?" She replies, "Well, I'm not going hunting, & you can forget about sex. I guess I'll give you oral sex." She starts & immediately stops & starts spitting & gagging. She says "John you taste like dog!" He says, "Yeah, Ol' Blue didn't want to go hunting either."

* * * * *

Engineers Time

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers... believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

* * * * *

It's Ouch Time!

* A cowboy comes into a bar wearing only newspapers. It wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling...

* A dyslexic walks into a bra.....

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my granddad - not kicking and thrashing and screaming like the passengers in his car!

* A skeleton goes into a pub and says 'Pint of beer and a mop, please'

* A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre so the barman gives her one.

* An Irishman goes into a bar with a pig under his arm. "Where did you get him from?" asks the Barman. "I won him in a raffle" says the pig.