A young man comes home from school & proudly announces to his mother: "I've had sex for the first time today!" His mother is terrified: "you are far to young to have sex! What have we told you? Let's see what your father has to say about this!" As soon as the father gets home he's told the shocking news. "Come here son", he says & they go outside the house. "I'm very proud of you son. Let's go & buy that bike you've been asking for so long." After buying the bike they are walking back home. "Why don't you drive your new bike", wonders the father. "Because my arse is so f**kin' sore".

* * * * *

10 Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work...

1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar, twice!

2. You can throw a screwed-up ball of paper towards the waste paper basket & it actually goes in 99% of the time.

3. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis, as well as other famous people.

4. All your used 'post-it' notes are now little origami animals & occupy most of your desk

5. No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan & enhance it with PhotoShop.

6. You've managed to work out the value of PI to at least fifty decimal places after the point.

7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8. You have got quite a good game of 'screwed-up paper' volleyball going with the person in the next cubical to you.

9. You know exactly how many steps it will take to walk to the water cooler at the other end of the office, as well as many other major objects around the office.

10. You Sellotape sculptures are now much sought-after collector's items.

* * * * *

Quickie Quotes "Last week, Vice President Dick Cheney came down with laryngitis so his wife had to deliver a speech for him. After the speech, Cheney's wife had to spend the rest of the day telling President Bush what to do." ~ Conan O'Brien

* * * * *

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back & forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, & approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully & without missing a beat, moans "OHHH Darn!. . . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

* * * * *

D'you Think She Was A Blonde?

"A former Hooters waitress in Panama City, Florida, has sued the restaurant saying she was promised a new Toyota for winning a beer sales contest. Instead, she said, she won a new toy Yoda - the little green alien from the Star Wars movies" (Melbourne Age 31JUL01)

* * * * *

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Texas when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long & quiet, he stops the car & the Indian gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?" asks the Indian. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife", says the salesman. The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade." Seems fair to me, too!

* * * * *

"Geordie" Windows 2000 It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as Windaz Too Thoosand, may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle. If you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of Windaz 2000 by the egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of Brown Ale. Also note:

* The recycle bin is labelled " Shite "

* Dialup network is called "Me mates"

* Control Panel is known as "How we fook aboot wi the settins"

* The hard drive is referred to as "Big disk wi aall me stuff on it"

Other features to note:

* Cancel - Fook that

* Yes - Aye

* No - Nee fookin chance

* Help - Ah cannit dee it

* Personal folder/My Documents - Aal me shite

Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000

* Tipe Rita - a word processor

* Cullarin book - a graphics package

* Addin masheen - a calculator

* Dole 2000 - accounting software

* Porn - Internet Explorer

* * * * *

Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', & bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla Black (the host) said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place & have great sex. Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, & we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand & my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, & they have even better sex. Then Bob says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, & my penis in your right hand." Cilla is now used to the routine & complies. The results are mind blowing. Once its all over, & the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Bob, tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand & your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser (someone from Liverpool), she stole my wallet."

* * * * *

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers & says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, & your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, & we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket & begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He breaks it open, swallows the pills, & stops winking in a few moments. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well & good, but this is a respectable company, & we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!" "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" " Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, & asked for aspirin?

* * * * *

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early & worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paintbrush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body & was able to really make his paintings shine. After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort & decided to take it easy for the day. Since, Karen, his model, had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine & talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence. They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up & said, "OH NO It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

* * * * *

What is the difference between a man & childbirth? One can be terribly painful & sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

* * * * *

Tom & Jack are on an expedition to the centre of Africa, when they are suddenly surrounded by a group of small, painted, evil-looking natives. Tom says, "We have nothing to fear. See me get us out of this one!" So he approaches the one that is wearing the fancy feathers - obviously the chief, and, reaching into his pocket, pulls out a Bic lighter. He makes sure that he has the chief's undivided attention & "flicks" it on. Well, the chief is surprised! He turns to one of the elders & says, "Look at that! It lit the first time!!!"

* * * * *

Ouch! Once upon a time, an old witch opened a tea-room alongside a busy road. It was a very good location, & she prospered. Then the witch figured if she cut corners, she could make even more money. So she started using the same tea bags over & over. But her customers noticed the decrease in quality & soon stopped coming.... and the witch went bankrupt. Moral: Honest tea is the best policy.

* * * * *

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

* * * * *

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She & her widowed mother shared the same ambition...her marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's its going to be?" The elegantly attired man, handsome & unmarried & in his mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter Sherry will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. & afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her & the baby where she will receive a cheque for $2,500 a week for life." The mother was taken aback & thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid, Sherry should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"

* * * * *

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. Did you get that for your birthday? He asked. Nope, Jimmy replied. Well did you get it for Christmas then? Johnny asked. Nope. You didn't steal it, did you? No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom & Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, & extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open & boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned & asked him angrily; 'What do you want now? I wanna watch, Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner & keep quiet, then.

* * * * *

Some Thoughts on Suffering --I Mean, Marriage

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love & didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

If you love something, set it free. If it returns, you haven't lost it. If it disappears & never comes back, then it wasn't truly yours to begin with. And if it just sits there watching television, unaware that it's been set free, you probably already married it.

* * * * *

Two Flowers cuddle in spring breeze. "I love you, darling!!!" "I love you, too!!!" "I want you so much!!! Where the heck are those darned bees?"

* * * * *

Did you hear the one about the guy who married a girl he met on the Internet. It was love at first site.

* * * * *

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-sized hangover & asked his wife, "What the heck happened?" "As usual, you made an fool of yourself in front of your boss." replied the wife. "Piss on him!" answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, screw him." said the husband. "I did, & you go back to work on Monday."

* * * * *

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They shagged for hours, & afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her & listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye." She hangs up the telephone & her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

* * * * *

Some Staff Descriptions...

* OUTGOING PERSONALITY..........Always going out of the office

* GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS...................Able to bullshit

* GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS.......Spends lots of time on phone

* AVERAGE EMPLOYEE..............................Not too bright

* EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED......Made no major blunders yet

* WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY................Too ugly to get a date

* ACTIVE SOCIALLY.................................Drinks a lot

* FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY.................Spouse drinks, too

* INDEPENDENT WORKER.............Nobody knows what he/she does

* QUICK THINKING......................Offers plausible excuses

* CAREFUL THINKER........................Won't make a decision

* AGGRESSIVE.........................................Obnoxious

* USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS......Gets someone else to do it

* EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL.....................Speaks English

* METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL..................A nit picker

* HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES.........Is tall or has a loud voice

* EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT...........................Lucky

* KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR..............Knows a lot of dirty jokes

* CAREER MINDED...................................Back Stabber

* LOYAL..........................Can't get a job anywhere else

* * * * *

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady & after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want & at what time I want & I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, & card-playing when I want with my old buddies & don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that I'll be having sexual-intercourse here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."

* * * * *

A woman & her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, & I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, & we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband & said, Show him your tooth, dear."

* * * * *

A man has six children & is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, & want to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back. "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

* * * * *

A doctor husband & his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage & says, "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends & rings her up. She comes to phone after many rings & the irritated husband says "what took you so long to answer the phone"? She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late, doing what"? "Getting a second opinion" she says