This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians & horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

* * * * *

After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, & I wanted to stay with you guys."

* * * * *

A wife took her overworked husband to the family physician. After the examination, the physician took the wife aside & whispered: "I don't like the way your husband looks." "I don't either," she replied, "but he's always been a good father to the children."

* * * * *

A congregation honours a pastor 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed. He picks up the phone, calls his church, & says, "Where is your respect? As your pastor, I am very, very angry with you." The girl gets up & start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you."

* * * * *

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe & is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?" So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra". "Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?". "It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

* * * * *

This is a bit too close to the truth! The South Africans & New Zealanders decided to engage in a rugby test. Both teams practiced hard & long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The New Zealanders won by a 20 pts. The South African team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem & recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The New Zealanders team had 15 people playing & one person captaining: the South African team had one person playing & 15 people captaining. After a year of study & millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were captaining & not enough were playing on the South African team. So as test day neared again the following year, the South African's team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four captaining managers, three area captaining managers, & a new performance review system for the person playing to provide work incentive. The next year, the New Zealanders won by 50pts. Humiliated, the South African corporation laid off the player for poor performance & gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

* * * * *

* What's the difference between a girlfriend & a wife? 45 lbs.

* What's the difference between a boyfriend & a husband? 45 minutes

* What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.

* What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.

* How are women & rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.

* Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, & spreads easy.

* Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.

* What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.

* * * * *

Some More Quickies

Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, & now I don't know what he looks like.

A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, & dumfounded."

* * * * *

Little Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Johnny looked at the women in front of him & observed loudly, "Hey, Mum, she's really fat." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother & gave an understanding smile. Johnny received a reprimand. After a minute or two, Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go & loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned & told Johnny's mother to control her child & his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm. Then the lady's pager begins to go off. Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"

* * * * *

Leaving Certificate Ordinary Level Examination Paper.

Sexism Studies

Time allowed 3 hrs.

Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor & having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to spook the other candidates into thinking that you must have written loads. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invalidator jump. With three minutes to go, suddenly realise there are 4 more questions on the back of the page that you haven't spotted.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you & ten of your mates. Include in your answer: a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though.

2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare & contrast the relative merits of plastic & real tits for recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, & explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend. a)Sex Boat b)Three Into One Will Go c)King Dong d)Speared by Zulu Lovers

5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.

Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart & what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction.

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 & your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit & died the day before he retired.

4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo & the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.

* * * * *

Found On Toilet Walls...

* Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand.

* Any arsehole can piss on the floor. Be a hero & shit on the ceiling!

* The future is in your hands!

* Some come here to sit & think. Some come here to shit & sink. But I come here to scratch my balls & read the bullshit on the walls.

* Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: 'I F**KED your mother!!!' Neatly printed in small calm blue letters: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'

* Sign in the toilet said 'Please use the ashtray'. Guess what was in the ashtray?

* This toilet paper is like John Wayne: it's tough, it's rough... & it doesn't take shit from anyone.

* Please do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal: it makes them soggy & hard to light.

* * * * *

Reasons Why You Should Re-Assess Your Relationship With Your Computer...

* You turn off your computer & get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

* You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

* You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

* You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

* You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

* When your email box shows "no new messages" you feel really depressed.

* You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names & you never bothered to ask.

* You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you Landscape.

* Your family always knows where you are.

* * * * *

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back & remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

* * * * *

Time For An Oldie A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back & comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy & discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man & the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

* * * * *

A man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board & silently sat down. Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted & got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, the stewardess quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat. "My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."

* * * * *

Two attorneys went into a diner & ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases & started to eat. The owner became quite concerned & marched over & told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders & then exchanged sandwiches.

* * * * *

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mummy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

* * * * *

Another Joke With a Walking Frame!

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet & has the wagon tied to a dog & a cat. The fireman says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?" The little boy says, I'm pretending to be a fireman, & this is my fire truck." The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman says with admiration. "Thanks mister" the little boy says. The fireman looks a little closer & notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fireman says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie the rope around the cat's collar, think you could go a little faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

* * * * *

Talking of Walking Frames

Wiremu, a Kiwi, landed at Heathrow to follow the All Blacks Tour. He was not feeling well, so decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I feel crook" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination & informed Wiremu that he had altitude sickness, & that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm getting a second opinion eh ! " The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis & also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor & decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The doctor examined him & said "Wiremu you hev eltitude suckniss, eh !" "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer "will Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor. "Wi're gonna hev to cut off your balls." "Phew, thenk God for thet ! " said Wiremu, "those Pommie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me !"

* * * * *

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him, stark naked, into the closet. The husband, however, became suspicious & after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he demanded. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" The man looked down at himself & said, "Those little bastards!"

* * * * *

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very militant atheist. He sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, & completely secular. After a month, the boy comes home & says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, & the Holy Ghost." The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders & declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now & I want you never to forget it. There is only one G-d ... & we don't believe in him!"

* * * * *

Definitions They Didn't Teach at School

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end & a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSTIPATION - To have & to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women & go all over them without getting his face slapped.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

NURSE - A pan handler.

PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys & you don't.

SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

* * * * *

Two old ladies are walking through a museum & got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!" Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...and cold, too!

* * * * *

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge & all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge & all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

* * * * *

Some women are gathered & the subject of conversation turns to sex & then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use birth control." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket & saucer method." "What the heck is the bucket & saucer method?" the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven...and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, & when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

* * * * *

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other & says "god it's hot in here The other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

* * * * *

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"

* * * * *

This Is BAD!

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers & dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, & Ming, who was a sorcerer. Hing, who has had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, & he reads tarot cards & examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure. So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables & chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work. Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses & all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

* * * * *

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him & his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) & realised he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in & asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged & said, "Well, you were the closest..."

* * * * *

One evening a guy walks into a neighbourhood bar & notices two pieces of meat up on the ceiling. The man asks the bartender for a bottle of Bud, & the bartender asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?" The guy asks, "Well, what's it all about?" The bartender informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling & you get a free pitcher of beer. If you fail, you have to buy the whole pub a drink." The guy thinks about it for a minute & then replies, "No, I don't think so... Those steaks are far too high!"

* * * * *

"I have to tell the truth," a young man said to his new girlfriend. "While we've been dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist." "Don't worry about it," the girl told her boyfriend. "I've been seeing a lawyer & a car salesman."

* * * * *

"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the baliff. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?" His Honor replied, "Billy Bob, the crooks won't be here for another 15 minutes. Those are the lawyers."

* * * * *

John was on his deathbed & gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe." "But I thought you hated Joe," she said. With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

* * * * *

The year is 2012 & the United States has recently elected the first Jewish President. So on January 20, 2013, Solly Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her; "You see that man over there with his hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." "His brother's a doctor."

* * * * *

Why Men Get Out Of Bed

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.

5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12% said it was to go to the toilet, 83% said it was to go home.