At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.

"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with Al, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."

"Just what is that message, Mrs. Gore?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement. To which Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush."

READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD TO:

• 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is....BASKETBALL.
• 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is..BOWLING.
• 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is...FOOTBALL.
• 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
• 5. The sport of choice for middle management is.........TENNIS.
• 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is...... GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls become.

Cure for the Common Cold

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner replies, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" and the clerk goes: "Of course you can! Look at him -- he's afraid to cough!"

Ancestal Phones:

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed,American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:- "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the Philippine press reported the following:- "After digging as deep as 500m, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

• 1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• 2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
• 3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• 4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• 5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
• 6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
• 8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• 9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• 10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• 11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• 12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• 13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• 14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
• 15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
• 16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• 17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• 18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• 19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• 20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• 21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
• 22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• 23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• 24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
• 25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
• 26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• 27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• 28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• 29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• 30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• 31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• 32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• 33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
• 34. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up & announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, & squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

*******

What the Hell -- Let's Have an Oldie!

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One & Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent, matching white horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways & waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush & explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses." *******

Things A Guy Doesn't Want To Hear His Blind Date Say: ?

• I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison & I really didn't want to be alone.
• Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.
• That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
• Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
• This is my first date since I was released from the sanatorium.
• They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issues in my past lives.
• By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
• Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.
• You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.
• I'm sorry, something came up & I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?

This is Seriously Sick

This beautiful girl called Melinda went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests & couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"? Melinda said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"? The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it & see if you improve"? Melinda said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to do it".

*******

A guy is browsing in a pet shop & sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood & answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand & speak English, can't you!?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish & English & I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 & walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, & he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work & the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" & motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife & the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty & kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house & lifted up her nighty & began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees & began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts & slowly going down...." "WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on & fell off my perch"

*******

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore & a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers & told him, "The captain said to read through these & let us know if you still want to be rescued."

*******

I really like this one!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! & you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train cause we're going now!" The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house, Darling. Now I want you to go to your room & you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language & play nicely." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant & relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

*******

Why did so many Enron executives take the fifth? It wasn't nailed down.

*******

A guy walks into a pharmacy & asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

*******

An Irishman driving down the road got pulled over by a policeman. The policeman said, "You're drunk!" The driver said, "Thank goodness for that, I thought the steering had gone.

*******

The Parachute Paradigm You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning aeroplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

• Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
• Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
• Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
• Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
• Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
• Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
• Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates & get the names of their friends & relatives who might like one too.
• Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, & gold fillings.
• Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains & dental floss.
• Scientist: you give them the parachute & ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
• Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
• Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. ?
• English major: you explicate simile & metaphor in the parachute instructions.
• Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
• Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
• Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
• Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall & sign it.
• Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. ?
• Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
• Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.

*******

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room & that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down & began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table. A jar of Vaseline; a rubber glove; & a beer. When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the Vaseline is for, & I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged & stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open & yelled to his nurse....... Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT

*******

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife & children... I'll never forget that game of cards.

*******

Diary Entries of a Young Woman on a Cruise Ship:

Dear Diary,

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honoured this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer & a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives

*******

• What's the difference between a woman in church & a woman in the bathtub??? The woman in church is getting hope in her soul the woman in the tub is getting soap in her hole!!
• What's the difference between a pickpocket & a pervert ? A Pickpocket Snatches Watches A Pervert Watches Snatches
• What's The Difference between the Titanic & a whore ? Everyone knows how many men went down on the titanic

*******

A worried father telephoned his family doctor & said that he was afraid that his teenage son had come down with V.D. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her." "Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things happen." "I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms." "That's unfortunate." "Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife." "Oh Shit," said the doc, "That means we all have it."

*******

The woman sits up in bed & says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male & a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

*******

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realised that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base & promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?" The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued me a comb & then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush & then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out some of my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap... & I wasn't about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir."

*******

Fu, Bu & Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanise" their names. Bu, called himself "Buck" Chu called himself "Chuck" Fu decided to return to China.

*******

A couple return from their honeymoon & it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside & asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom & I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough." The groom nodded gently & said, "That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"

*******

Richard had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said Rich, "I met this blonde & turned out she was an sales rep-in-training & wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another & we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night." "OK," replied the boss, "That may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?" "Well..." said Rich, "Turns out she was married & had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, & I started thinking about my own wife & kids, so I cried too." "I see." chided the boss, "But that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?" "Well..." said Rich, "You can't sit there & cry 4-5 times a day for four days & not look like this."

*******

A weekend or two back, I was resting next to my wife on the couch with my head in her lap. She gently removed my glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," I replied with a grin, "without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" But that's enough about my ex-wife

*******

My daughter was doing a project on 70's rock groups, & she asked me to name 2 of them. "Yes!" I said. "Who?" she asked. "There you go, there's two of them" I replied.

*******

What would you do if you had a condom with a hole in it in one pocket, & a rattlesnake in the other pocket? I don't know either, but I do know that I wouldn't screw with either one of them

*******

Talking of Oldies

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over & said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names". The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

*******

A completely inebriated man called Richard walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed one hand up her skirt & began fondling her breasts with the other hand. She jumped up & slapped him silly. He immediately apologised & explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed. "Funny," Richard muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too."

*******

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children & immediately started to assemble it with all the neighbourhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up & called upon an old handyman working in a neighbouring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, & in a short while had the set completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, & when you can't read, you've got to think."

*******

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road & finally ran into a farmer. "Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy." "Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy." "Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the cows are ready for milking." "Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village in the other direction."