A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone & calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

*******

Let's Get The Sick One Over With

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go & talk to her & after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home & get down to it. The old man goes to the woman's room & asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her & asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her & goes for it. After about 30 secs he comes back up & says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute & tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks at her confused & states that surely you can't get arthritis down there & even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell. She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder, I can't wipe my ass!"

*******

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight & nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" & "Under 35." He decided to be truthful & entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" & "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door & found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" & "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" & found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth & you'll never get screwed."

*******

A Few Michael Barrymore's (Don't worry if you don't know him -- his career is over, anyway!)

• His new show is called "Only Pools & Corpses"
• Michael Barrymore, has been found dead, in a swimming pool, with a chocolate bar up his arse. George Michael, has been charged, with a Careless Whisper
• Michael Barrymore hasn't got any ashtrays in his house...as he puts all his fags out in the pool!
• A dead Iraqi found in Michael Barrymore's pool......... Police think he was a suicide bummer.
• Pals of Michael Barrymore refuse to believe that his television career is over, stating "There will always be a back door open to him"!

*******

Husband comes home very late & explains to his wife: "You know - first I went to have a beer with my friends." "Oh, my Superman" says the woman. "And than we went to watch football." "Oh, my Superman" says the woman again. "And then we went to grab something to eat." "Oh, my Superman." "Why do you keep calling me Superman?" asks the husband. "Because he's the only one who wears his underwear on top of his trousers."

*******

Some Quickies

• Women have many faults. Men have only 2; everything they say & everything they do.
• Since I got married, my love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty...
• Q. Why do Australian men piss in the bushes at parties? A. Because there's always someone throwing up in the toilet.

*******

Signs That Lead To The Fact That Someone's Been Using Your E-Mail Account...

• "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
• One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you
• Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly
• When you log on, your computer says, "You've got lawsuits!"
• Your inbox is filled with dog porno & you're strictly a sheep porno kind of guy.
• Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours & that you now owe them $71,000,000 & change
• "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies & reinforcements to you immediately."
• Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

*******

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown & say: "That's not it" & put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, & wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled & said: "That's it."

*******

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" "No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue."

*******

A guy is on a business trip & he's staying in a fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception & tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up & starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach & getting pretty horny & he gets a huge boner. She tells him to turn over & when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles & says "Ahh, you want wanky!" So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom & he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door & says "You finish yet?"

*******

Top Ten Saddam Hussein Campaign Promises

• 1.. Will guide Iraq forward into the eleventh century
• 2.. More money spent on the arts, specifically flattering portraits of Saddam Hussein
• 3.. Will hold regular "town hall" meetings, followed by "town hall" tortures & executions
• 4.. Less talk, more rock
• 5.. An anthrax-infected chicken in every pot!
• 6.. Switch from intimidating beret to humorous "Lordy Lordy I'm Over Forty" baseball cap
• 7.. I'll paint any camel for $99.99
• 8.. Ah, what the hell -- moustaches for everybody!
• 9.. Sunday night "Sex & the City" marathon at the palace
• 10.. To restore decency & integrity to the office of tyrannical, murderous dictator

*******

Redneck Etiquette Handbook General RULES:

• 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
• 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
• 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• 4. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

• 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup & pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
• 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

• 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

• 1. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
• 2. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
• 3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery & alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

• 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
• 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."
• 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

• 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby & picked up after the film's ended.
• 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

• 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
• 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund & a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
• 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

• 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded & the pig's in sight.
• 2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
• 3. Never tow another car using panty hose & duct tape.
• 4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
• 5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

*******

A middle-aged woman was sitting down to breakfast one morning. When a knock came on the front door. When she answered it, she found a rather business looking type of guy standing there holding a clipboard & quite a bit of paperwork. "Good morning" he said. "I am the Bailiff ! I have been sent from the local county courts to collect goods to the value of $1000". Looking slightly bemused she replied "Just a minute I'll be right with you". She then runs up the stairs, strips off all her clothes, & throws the most slinkily of see-thru nighties on. She then runs back down the stairs & leans on the doorframe. "Well". she said. "Can we talk about it". "What is there to talk about". replied the Bailiff. " I've come for my $1000". "Anything, I mean anything you see between my legs you can have". she said. He then bent down, looked a bit closer into it & said. "Right we'll start with the telly, then the video..............

*******

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home & fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time." When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, & all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, & a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, & garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband & then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it & they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly & play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!"

*******

Male Rules of the House

• 1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
• 2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
• 3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts & commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
• 4) When we are watching your show & I change the channels during a commercial, do not hassle me that the commercials have probably finished, & to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
• 5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore & I am now free to return to the couch.
• 6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
• 7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. & I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet & if I do it will be your fault.
• 8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
• 9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. & remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
• 10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit to another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation & would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
• 11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. & stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
• 12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
• 13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
• 14) When I am on the phone to my pals, I usually talk about important stuff, & I'm finished talking quickly. I don't phone someone & talk for hours about stuff I could've said when I saw them in person earlier.
• 15) "Housework" is not a word I like, & actually doing any of it, I like even less. So this is a non-starter, don't even think of suggesting this to me.

*******

Jacob, age 92, & Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding & on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? " Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs & walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds & sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

*******

A Scandinavian lass was driving in Welsh Wales when her car broke down & clouds of smoke poured from under the bonnet. A passing Welsh lad stopped & took a look under the hood. "Sorry lass, I can't help you because you've blown a seal," he said. "You've fucked a sheep, but I would still help you," she retorted.

*******

Mike met a bloke he hadn't seen for thirty years & immediately noticed the chap had only one arm. When he invited the fellow for a beer, his mate replied, "Can't come now, I've got to go & change a light bulb." Knowing that British light bulbs are bayonet types, not the screw-in versions, Mike asked, "How can you change a bulb with only one arm?" "No problem mate," his friend said with a smile. "I've still got the receipt."

*******

A teenage boy's mom finds an S&M bondage magazine in his room. She is very upset, so she shows the magazine to her husband the same night. The husband looks at the magazine for a while & says nothing. Few minutes later she says: "What do you think we should do about it?" He looks at her & replies: "Well, I don't think you should spank him!"

*******

Time to Piss Off the Jocks

• Jock McPerv was so mean he used to reverse charge his obscene telephone calls.
• When Jock had a vasectomy he asked the doctor if he was entitled to severance pay.
• Jock brought home a packet of salted peanuts & gave his fianc?e one. Later she asked "Can I have another peanut?" "Why?" said Jock, "I assure you they all taste the same."
• Golf was invented in Scotland & there are still clubs which have signposts on the course which read: MEMBERS WILL REFRAIN FROM PICKING UP LOST BALLS UNTIL THEY HAVE STOPPED ROLLING.
• Jock's fiance peered at her engagement ring. "Oh, Jock, is it a real diamond?" "Och, if it isnae, I've been done out of a fiver," he replied.
• A Scottish hotel is an establishment where they pinch the towels off the guests.
• There was a young Scot named McIvers Whose knackers were two different sizes One was so small 'Twas no ball at all But the other won several prizes.
• They asked why Jock was looking so glum. "I just found a pay packet in the street," he said. "Then you should be laughing," said his Scottish mates. "Nay, look at this," said Jock. "Look at the bloody tax that's been deducted."
• Sergeant McTavish of the Highland Regiment swaggered into a pharmacy. He placed a battered condom on the counter & asked the chemist how much it would cost to repair it. The chemist held the damaged item up to the light. "I could launder it & disinfect it, vulcanise a patch on the holes & tears in the side & insert a new elastic around the top, but if you take my advice it would be almost as cheap to buy a new one." McTavish could recognise sales talk when he heard it & said he would think it over. He returned next morning. "You've persuaded us," he declared, "the regiment has decided to invest in a new one."

*******

Some One-Liners Concerning Women

• Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
• How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
• What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
• What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
• Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
• What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel.
• Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
• Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
• Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
• What's six inches long & two inches wide & drives women wild? Money.
• Why did God make man first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
• How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark & bitch.
• Why can't you trust woman? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days & doesn't die.

*******

On The Subject Of Women

Words women use & their meaning:

FINE. This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right & you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES. This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING. This means "something", & you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, & backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" & end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows). This is a dare. One that! will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," & will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows). This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" & "Fine," & she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH. This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, & wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH. Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, & she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY. This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long & hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" & in conjunction with a "Raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO. This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful & you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS. A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT. This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, & will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

*******

Scientists with the CDC announced today that they have developed a vaccine for the West Nile Virus. It is nearly 100% effective. They have only one more problem to overcome: How to get all those mosquitoes to roll up their little bitty sleeves.

*******

A busty young girl was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut. "Do you have hair on your chest?" The sales lady asked. "No -- certainly NOT!!!" Replied the young girl. The sales lady the told her "Then it's too low cut."

*******

A small boy walked into a men's room. He saw a sailor in full dress uniform. The little boy got really excited, & asked the sailor, "Are you a REAL Sailor???" The sailor replied, "Why, yes, son, I am. Would you like to wear my hat?" The little boy said, "Yes!!" & put on the hat. A Marine entered the bathroom. The little boy, very excitedly asked, "Mister, Mister, are you a REAL Marine???" The Marine answered, "Yes, son, I am! Why, do you want to suck my dick?" The little boy exclaimed, "I'm not a real Sailor! I'm just wearing the hat!!!"

****** "

Your honour, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"