Rita Rudner's 30 Facts About Men

• 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
• 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain & bought jewellery.
• 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.
• 4. Be careful of men who are bald & rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
• 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
• 6. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
• 7. All men look nerdy in black socks & sandals.
• 8. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
• 9. Men who wear baseball caps are often going bald.
• 10. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs & bathe.
• 11. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
• 12. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire & the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
• 13. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
• 14. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. (If only that were true!)
• 15. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. (Applications considered for the coming winter!)
• 16. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
• 17. If a man prepares dinner for you & the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
• 18. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter & briefer, & players' shorts get baggier & longer.
• 19. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. (But they won't admit it!)
• 20. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
• 21. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
• 22. If a man says, "I'll call you," & he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
• 23. Men who can eat anything they want & not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
• 24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" & "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
• 25. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
• 26. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button & zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button & zip in the back. We need men emotionally & sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
• 27. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
• 28. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
• 29. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight & get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls & drive motorcycles.
• 30. All men would still really like to own a train set.

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The Yorkshire Ripper was in court & they were reading some of the charges against out. "You are charge with murdering a young women with a hammer" says the Judge. "Bastard" shouts a man from the public gallery. The Judge fixes the man with a hard stare but continues. "You are also charged the murdering another young women with a screwdriver". "Fucking Shithouse" says the man again "Cut that out" says the Judge "I understand your disgust at the charges but you can't disrupt the court like this, now, what is the meaning of these outbursts?" "Well" says the man "I've lived next to that miserable git for 20 years & whenever I've asked to borrow some tools he has always told me he didn't have any"

*******

A young lad started work at a morgue. He was amazed to see three male bodies on slabs, all with face rendering smiles, & asked the mortician about the first one who was about seventy years old. "Ah yes, this chap won the lottery, went out with his mates & died of alcohol poisoning," the boss replied. "What about the other old fart?" the lad queried. "He married a 20 year old, & passed away on his wedding night," was the answer. The third body as much younger & the lad asked what happened. "He's Welsh, & was struck by lightning," came the reply. "What's with the bloody big smile?" the boy asked. All together now "Ah ha," the boss smirked, "he thought he was having his photograph taken!"

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The Australian Constitution Preamble -

The Way It Ought To Be

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas & the occasional trannie. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch & moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte & grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "liveable".

Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly & millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left & right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners & bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus & dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there & the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bangkok.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists & turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes & still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase. We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race & still tell us who's winning, in the same breath. We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short, but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries.

We, the wicked witches of the Land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours & always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once & for all. While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft & flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours & that's that. We want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies & the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea & pissed by lunchtime. & even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis. Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

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Quickies Time

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing"? The parrot says "AFRICA, there's millions of them there"!!!!

What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a supermarket carrier bag? Ones made of plastic & is dangerous to children & the other is a Supermarket carrier bag.

What did Paul McCartney buy his wife for her birthday? A plane...That way she can shave both legs!

What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Getting her back in the wheelchair!

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw in the dirty washing.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

What does Hillary Clinton do after she shaves her pussy? Sends him to work!

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp..? He bought a warehouse..

Did you hear about the dyslexic Christian..? He sold his soul to Santa.

What's the definition of confusion? Two blind lesbians in a fish market.

What do you get when Captain Kirk leaves the toilet? Captains log.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat? When she sits on your face & you can't hear the stereo or When she sunbathes on the beach, Greenpeace come along & roll her back in.

Q - What does D.N.A. stand for? A - National Dyslexic Association

Q. What's the difference between Australian Men & Australian Women? A. The blokes can spit further.

Q: What's the strongest glue in the world? A: Sperm, Ever seen a baby fall apart?

Why did they bar the Pakistan football team from the World Cup ?. Because every time they took a corner, they built a shop on it.

Why did Romans build straight roads ? To stop Pakistanis building shops.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts.

*******

Multiple Choice For The Sensitive Man Of The 90s:

1. A woman whispers, "Do me now, big boy....." in your ear. She is obviously: a. Short-sighted. b. Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification. c. Begging for it. d. A recording.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared: a. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. b. Blood-test results. c. A cab. d. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that: a. Your partner climaxes first. b. You both climax simultaneously. c. The director can set up for a close-up. d. You don't miss SportsNight.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a. Strictly for cats. b. Healthy creative love play. c. Not the sort of thing your wife / girlfriend would agree to. d. Not the sort of thing your wife / girlfriend need ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a. The best part of the experience. b. The second best part of the experience. c. A loathsome chore. d. $100. extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she has gained two kilos in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a. No concern of yours. b. No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend. c. No problem - she can join your gym. d. A conservative estimate.

7. Today's sensitive, caring man is: a. An ideal to which you aspire. b. A myth. c. An oxymoron. d. A moron.

8. A prostitute is: a. A victim of male dominated society & social oppression. b. Someone who provides an essential service. c. A cheap date. d. A valued employee.

9. A wife is: a. A victim of male dominated society & social oppression. b. Someone who provides an essential service. c. A cheap date. d. A valued employee.

10. How can you tell when your partner has hit the top? a. When she drops her nail file. b. When she goes the colour of a Chicago Bulls uniform. c. When the earth moves. d. Who cares?

11. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you: a. Call her. b. Call your lawyer. c. Call your doctor. d. Call your wife.

12. Foreplay is to sex as: a. Priming is to painting. b. Appetiser is to entree. c. Trailer is to feature. d. A line is to an amusement park ride.

13. During sex, you: a. Haggle. b. Talk dirty. c. Talk love. d. Talk on the phone.

14. You wake to find your partner clutching your thing in one hand & a carving knife in the other. Do you: a. Talk through her anger. b. Shout "Look out behind you" & make a run for it. c. Ask her to put down the offensive weapon. d. Ask her to put down the knife.

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It's Tough Being a Man!

* You put a woman on a pedestal & try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

* If you stay home & do the housework, you're a pansy.

* If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

* If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass & find something better.

* If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

* If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

* If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

* If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defence.

* If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

* If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.

* If you appreciate the female form & frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.

* If you like a woman to shave her legs & keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

* If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

* If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

* If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

* If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

* If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO.

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ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE

"Thank you for calling the Australian Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis, & a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out PMKeys, SSDS, East Timor, Bougainville, Afghanistan, Iraq, Refugees, the Defence Efficiency Review, the Commercial Support Program, & compulsory 'Fraud Awareness' & 'Workplace Equity & Diversity' training, we will return your call."

"Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:"

"If your crisis is small, & close to a secure domestic airport, press 1 for the 3rd Brigade."

"If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate & good hotels, & can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press 'Hash' for the Royal Australian Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1600 hrs, if it is overcast, at weekends or Public Holidays."

"If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by either overpriced & expensive submarines without combat capability, or by World War 11 relics that cannot keep up with Indonesian fishing trawlers, or by a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the Chief of Navy, Russell Offices, Canberra."

"If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Rapid Deployment Force."

"If you are in real, hot trouble please press 3, & your call will be routed to Sandline International."

"If you are interested in joining the Army & wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife & family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, & are prepared to work your arse off daily, risking your life, in all weathers & terrains, both day & night, whilst watching the Department of Finance eroding your original terms & conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a little office down by the railway station."

"Have a pleasant day, & thank you again for trying to contact the Australian Army."

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Funny Old Round-Up

BBC Sport Online picks out some of the quirky, offbeat or plain daft stories doing the rounds.

Knockout blow

Running onto an ice rink in a pair of socks might be perceived as foolish. Running onto an ice rink in front of 15,000 spectators wearing nothing but a pair of socks goes way beyond mere stupidity. Probably not the exit he had hoped for So it's hard to feel any sympathy for the streaker who came a cropper as he attempted to show off his wares at an ice hockey game between Calgary Flames & Boston Bruins. The man successfully negotiated the glass barrier but as he stepped onto the ice, his footwear unsurprisingly failed him & he fell on his back, knocking himself out in the process. He left the arena to a standing ovation but not in the manner he probably anticipated: the offending red socks poking out from under a strategically placed blanket as he lay on a stretcher.

Ball battle

The saga over the ownership of a baseball valued at US$1m finally looks to be reaching a conclusion. Rival fans Patrick Hayashi & Alex Popov both claim they caught the homerun ball - the record 73rd hit by Barry Bonds last season. Bonds has urged both parties to settle amicably After a year of legal battles, a judge has dispatched the pair to another courtroom in the hope that they can settle the matter amicably. "I'm delighted & hopeful," Popov's attorney said after the mediation session. The acrimonious battle began last October, after Bonds hammered the history-making homer into a horde of fans in Pacific Bell Park. After the melee subsided, a grinning Hayashi stood gripping the ball. But Popov contends that Hayashi & other fans attacked him & that the ball was snatched from his glove by force. The ball has since been kept in a safe deposit box, with a judge safeguarding the key pending the outcome of any civil trial or mediation.

And finally a pause for thought:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by a female. That's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 7% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? I think not.