Job Hunting

A young Afro American man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.". The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just gotten a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year." To this the Afro American said, "Ah c'mon, you're bullshitting me!". The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

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Girls night out - Her story!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh no', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

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Please Let Me Win

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the > lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself... >"Sweetheart, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket

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Near Death Experience

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live,"

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"

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Blacksmith

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith....

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Golfing Accident

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

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Forgive Me Father

In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."

"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question." "What is it?" "Do you think I have to tell him the war is over...?"

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The Three Bears....

It's a sunny morning in the Big forest and the bear family is just waking up. Baby bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?"he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence, you'd better listen real good because I'm only going to say this one more time: "I haven't made the Fucking porridge yet!!!"

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Never argue with a woman:

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says. "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The priest said, "Sister, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." She lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said, "Sister, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." She said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, She was called by the priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." "Cold food," she said, and he assured her that the food would be better. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called her into office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," she said. "It's probably best", said the priest, "you've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

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A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"

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"Premature Ejaculation" A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said,"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought a starter pistol. All excited to try the doctor's suggestion out, he runs home to his wife. He finds his wife at home, in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two begin, they find themselves in a 69 position. Moments later, the man feels the sudden urge to cum so he fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man goes back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor ran out of the closet buck-naked, with his hands in the air!"

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Three Sisters: Three sisters age 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?". The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get thatforgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".

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Smoking Tech Problem

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was > > right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back fromthe customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

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What does an IT professional feel like when using Microsoft?

Like a French Chef eating at McDonalds.

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Free Association Hymns A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church, a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

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Blond & American Football:

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What on earth do you mean???"

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!

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Spicing up an old man's life:

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! Life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For two bucks I'd take my clothes off and streak through the D.A.R. Ladies' Flower Show!" " You're on!" said the other old fellow holding up two dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked streaked through the front door of the town hall. Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd of elderly ladies. "How did it go?" asked his friend. "Great!" he said, 'I WON FIRST PRIZE FOR THE BEST DRIED ARRANGEMENT!!!!"

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Smart Businessman:

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Greg's wife, Dorothy, was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table as he emerged rather red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Dorothy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"Jeff admitted,

"Well, yes I did."

She said "You can have some, but it will cost you $100."

After thinking about it for a minute, Jeff indicated that he was interested. She tells him that since Greg works Friday afternoons (and Jeff doesn't), he should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Greg came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife,

"Did Jeff come by this afternoon?

Totally shocked, Dorothy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

"Did he give you $100?"

"Oh hell, he knows!" thought Dorothy. Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," says Greg, "he came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

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These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are thingspeople actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent. Don't miss the last one!

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

***************

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or practice the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

*************

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

***********

Q: Mrs. Jamison, were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

**********

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this individual a male, or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All of them, all my autopsies are usually performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

somewhere.

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Voted the world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

That's it for this week. Catch you next time, eh?