A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean & decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, & sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon. The husband sees this & liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust & refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over & ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?" The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, & each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try & enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over & ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house & walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?" she asks, hesitantly. "I don't rightly know", replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off me an' my watermelon."

*******

A Hillbilly walked into a drugstore & asked the pharmacist if they carried birth control pills. The pharmacist informed the man that they did, but also told him they were for women. The man acknowledged that he knew that, that they were for his twelve year old daughter. The pharmacist asked, "Is your daughter sexually active?" The man thought for a moment & responded, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

*******

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her & said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly & asked "And what would you like?" The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you & squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up & down your bottom & squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth & then suck on your beautiful breasts & bite your nipples lightly . . .. But what I *need* is a new tie!"

*******

The woman entered the room, & with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her & without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, & for one heart -stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure & contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. & he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again & again & again. Don't women just love shopping for shoes?

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Confusing Signs Of Our Times Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG & GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN & DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death. "Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

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'Mr. Catto, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honour," the man said. "And every now & then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

*******

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in & served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor & giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using '

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Quickies Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's so good about a North Korean blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife & a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms & fake jewellery.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie, "only you do it yourself.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery & a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. How can you tell a macho woman? A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians? A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy? A: Crust.

*******

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

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There was a zebra that had lived her entire life in a zoo & was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass & hills & trees & all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing & ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" "I'm a cow." "Right, right. What do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer." "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing & ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a chicken." "Oh, right. What do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer." "Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it & said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your pyjamas, darling, & I'll show you."

*******

A British guy settled in a small settlement in New Zealand. After several days there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the locals, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?". The Kiwi replied, "See them sheep up on the hill. We just use one." "That is disgusting & barbaric!!" replied the Brit. After about 3 months he could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, & then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local bar with the sheep under his arm. The crowd fell silent, people dropped drinks, & all the kiwis turned, & stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class." "That ain't the problem," replied one. "That's the mayor's date you're with."

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Dad, Mum & son where on a plane flight. Son to Dad: "Dad, if big dogs have little dogs & big cats have little cats, do big planes have little planes?" Dad to son: Dad embarrassed: "Oh son, you will have to ask your mother that." Son to Mum: "Mum, if big dogs have little dogs & big cats have little cats, do big planes have little planes?" Mum to son: Mum passing the buck: "Son, I think you better ask this very helpful air stewardess". Son to Stewardess: "Excuse me, but if big dogs have little dogs & big cats have little cats, do big planes have little planes?" Stewardess to son: "Oh no, our planes ALWAYS pull out on time!"

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Just for Lovers of the London Underground Q. Why is The London Underground like Vaseline? A. Use either & it's easier to be fucked.

Q. Why is toothpaste better than The London Underground? A. Because it's the only fucking tube that works.