Things You'll Probably NEVER Hear Your Wife/Woman Say:

# The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

# Bar food again! Kick ass.

# I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

# That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

# I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em?

# The game's not over yet, you should order a couple more pitchers.

# I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

# Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.

# If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.

# Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

# I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

# You're so sexy when you're hung over.

# I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

# I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.

# Honey, our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

# Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.

# Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire.

# Look! My butt is fatter than yours!

# Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.

# You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

*******

Funny Old Round Up BBC Sport Online picks out some of the quirky, offbeat or plain daft stories doing the rounds.

The million dollar screw

An Ohio man has picked up a cool $1m after winning a screwing contest. Jonathan Smith won the money after using a cordless screwdriver to put five screws into a piece of wood. The 27-year-old contractor, beat off the challenge of 15 other contestants in the national competition at Phoenix International Raceway. Smith, of Delaware, who earned the title 'King of the Drill', looked nailed on from the start.

á Players given the slip

Four American football players who sprayed themselves with non-stick cooking oil to evade their opponents are facing disciplinary action. The Sacramento State quartet found themselves in hot water - or should that be hot fat? - when they employed the tactic in the game with Montana University. Not that it made a blind bit of difference, with Montana running out 31-24 winners. League commissioner Doug Fullerton said: "We'll decide the penalty, depending upon who we find at the bottom of the pile. This is a serious ethical breach. It's a planned activity." Sacramento State Athletic director Terry Wanless did not appear to be taking things quite so seriously. He told the Sacramento Bee newspaper: "This can create a lot of humour for us. In fact, I think the charges against us won't stick." With comments like that, the side could soon find themselves out of the frying pan & into the fire.

á Referee's lip-service

A Dutch footballer who kissed a referee after being shown the red card has been banned for eight games. The amateur player landed the hefty suspension after giving the man in the middle a full-on smacker on the lips. The incident happened when the player was shown a yellow card during a game in the eastern town of Hengelo. The KNVB Dutch soccer association said he was banned for "inappropriate behaviour". KNVB spokesman Joris Gieske said: "First the player got a yellow card. Then he made remarks to the referee. "The second yellow was also for talking (to the referee) & then the player got angry. He took the referee by the head & kissed him on the mouth." Good job he wasn't really het-up.

*******

Oldies Time!

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, & I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! & what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over & rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, & gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio & the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred & five. "So bust him," . said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop. "All the more reason." "No, I mean really important," said the cop. "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger." "Governor?." "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it, the President?" "I don't know. But he's got the Pope driving for him!"

*******

Christmas is starting early Ð Ouch!

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey & a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount & pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers & a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry & a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

*******

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "Naw, still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

*******

Guy goes to his new doctor & after two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doc says he was doing "fairly well" for his age. A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no, I've never done either." "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? " "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" "No, I don't. Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?", "No, I've never done any of those things." The doc looks at him and says, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"

*******

The two little old ladies, who were long time friends & a bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, & kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?" Mrs. Cohen went on & on about the wonderful food, the facility & the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it." Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room & sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top & then on the bottom, & then we sing Jewish songs. " Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen." Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?" Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, & that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?" "We also go up to my room after lunch & sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, & then I let him touch me down below." Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? & then....?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we f**k.

*******

From The News Desk

AP ¥ Reuters One in Four Men Fakes Orgasms Nov 19, 9:48 am ET LONDON (Reuters) - Women are not the only ones to turn on the acting abilities in the bedroom, said a survey released ahead of the world's largest adult festival in London. The survey of 2,500 Britons, by organizers of the Erotica 2002 festival, said 23% of men claimed to have faked an orgasm, compared to 56% of women. Almost half of the participants confessed to enjoying threesomes, the survey added. Erotica said in a publicity statement sent over the weekend its survey had destroyed the myth the British are a nation of prudes. "Orgies, lust, cheating & faking it -- you name it, the British are doing it," the statement said. Organizers of the festival, which begins on Friday, expect more than 60,000 people to attend the three-day event, where tantric sex tutors will be schooling willing pupils in the arts of sexual awareness & non-tactile arousal. "The mass love-in will be closely monitored by security guards to stop things getting out of hand," Erotica's publicity statement added.

And (it must be getting near to Darwin time) Rattlesnake Kiss Nearly Kills Man YACOLT, Wash. (AP)--A man who was showing off for friends by kissing his new rattlesnake was bitten on the lip & nearly died. Matt George, 21, was hospitalised in critical condition after the incident Sunday. By Tuesday, his condition had been upgraded to serious. George was showing friends the snake he had caught on a recent trip to Arizona. Holding the 2-foot snake behind the head, he kissed it. `I said, `OK, man, you're being stupid, put it away,'' recalled Jim Roban. `He said, `It's OK, I do it all the time.'' After the second kiss, the snake bit him under his moustache. He dropped the snake on the kitchen floor, & Roban killed it with his cowboy boot. As they waited for an ambulance to arrive at George's home, his face began to swell. `He said, `I'm going to die,'' Roban said. `I said, `No, you're not going to die, just calm down & relax.'' Sheriff's Deputy Steven Johnson said he watched in the ambulance as George became limp & his eyes rolled back in his head. After George lost consciousness, he was flown by helicopter to a hospital in Portland, Ore.

******* *******

A man goes to the doctor & tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room & comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

******* *******

From The 'Only in Africa' Section

Huge python swallows child Dries Liebenberg Durban - Police are searching for a huge python that reportedly swallowed a child at the weekend. The boy, aged between five and seven, was picking mangoes in an old orchard near Lamontville on Sunday afternoon. Inspector Jack Haskins of the Pietermaritzburg dog unit said an older boy, who was sitting in a tree about 100m away, told police he saw the snake catching the boy. He described how the snake had twisted itself around the boy, took the boy's head into its maw and swallowed him. On Wednesday police tried to find the group of children who had been picking mangoes. They believe the children may be from the nearby Umlazi settlement. Craig Smith of the Fitzsimmons Snake Park said the snake must be between 5.5m and 6m in length, judging by marks left in the sand. The witness's description of the snake's behaviour convinced Smith that the boy had, indeed, been swallowed by a snake. There were signs of a struggle in the grass and the snake left tracks on its way to a nearby stream. The tracks ended at the waterside. Smith said it could take up to two months before the snake hunts again.

*******

To My Dear Girlfriend,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbours would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

To My Dear Boyfriend,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football on TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling? The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

*******

Amazing Tales From The BBC's 'Planet Tabloid' á

Q: Just who is the most dangerous man in the world [this week]? A: Why, Michael "I dangle my baby off balconies" Jackson of course. "The odd father," screamed the Sun. "Mad bad dad," shrieked the Mirror.

á Meanwhile, just where is Iraq anyway? That's the question the Mirror asked young New Yorkers as their country gears up to go to war with Saddam (you know, the Iraqi leader). The responses span the globe, from somewhere in the vicinity of Austria, maybe South America, China... Blimey. Hope the generals have been studying their atlases.

á Also in the US, a must-have for fashionistas - shoplifting chic, the designer clothes and accessories Winona Ryder forgot to pay for at Saks Fifth Avenue. With socks at a cool £48 and a plain white dress for an eye-watering £1,430 both selling out, the Sun rightly questions just who is stealing from whom?

á A US anti-pollution group is asking motorists which car Jesus might drive, seeing as how buying a vehicle is a moral issue what with all the gas guzzlers on the road. Perhaps a Honda, as the Bible says, "the Apostles were of one Accord". Or the Son of God might choose to follow the lead of an Old Testament hero and opt for a British motorcycle: "the roar of Moses' triumph is heard in the hills".

á How about the housewife who complained to supermarket bosses after finding MAGGOTS in a tin of tomatoes, only to be told they were GOOD for her.

Or the workmen who painted a parking bay with a lamppost and telegraph pole INSIDE the lines.

Or about how a penniless Madonna had to cadge £2 off fellow diners at a Hyde Park canteen?

á A must-read -- a new mag called Sister Mainline - it is aimed at cocaine and heroin users - is about to launch in the Netherlands. As well as horoscopes, sex tips and recipes, it offers beauty tips such as, "keep your nails short - cocaine plays tricks on your mind and makes you want to scratch yourself". Enough to make your skin crawl.