A police officer came upon a terrible car wreck where the driver & passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush & hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey & said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer & shook his head up & down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up & down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand & turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together & held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes, Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes...hump hump." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking & screwing before they wrecked." "Yes...Yes...Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" ..."Driving" motioned the monkey.

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One Glass Of Beer Not Enough?

Try A Bathful! There's Beer to Wash Away Your Troubles Wed Nov 27, 8:48 AM ET BERLIN (Reuters) - There are days when you feel like a bath full of beer, not just a glass. Now you can have both -- thanks to a German brewery which has developed a beer you can wash down your food with or wash down your body. Klosterbrauerei, or monastic brewery, was looking for ways to mop up excess capacity in a slumping beer market & struck upon the bathtime supplement to help tipplers soak away their stresses & strains. The brewery, in Neuzelle, near Leipzig, eastern Germany, says the dark brown brew has restorative powers for both the mind & body to improve the skin & pep up spirits. "It opens up the pores, the yeast penetrates the skin & after 15 minutes your skin feels softer everywhere," company spokesman Dirk Vock told Reuters. "It is also a good remedy for people with skin problems." "The beer cloaks bathers in a delicate aroma of malt," said, Vock who recommended about three litres of beer per bathtub. But Klosterbrauerei, which showed the bath beer to shoppers in Leipzig Thursday, said those taking a boozy dip would not end up smelling like a brewery. "When you get to work, you won't smell like you've just emerged from the corner bar," Vock said. Although once the beer has been mixed with the bathwater, Vock says it is best not to take a sneaky sup. "Obviously you wouldn't want to drink bath oil once you've bathed in it either," he said.

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& From The 'Only In Africa' Department South African Police Dogs Get Bullet-Proof Vests Wed Nov 27, 8:47 AM ET JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - Life in the South African police is so dangerous that even the force's dogs need protection, say public donors who kitted out six canine stalwarts in bullet proof vests Tuesday. The dogs, from the North East Rand dog unit, were the latest of South Africa's frontline canines to be dressed in the two kilogram (4.4 pound) jackets, tough enough to turn knives & stop small arms rounds. Police in KwaZulu Natal province acquired the canine jackets after two dogs were stabbed trying to catch a thief. "We expect the dogs to do the dangerous work. They are the first in line," said Captain Cobus Noeth. "For years we have had the privilege of having bullet proof vests, & now we are able to give the dogs the same kind of protection that the handlers have," he added. The 2,500 rand ($264) jackets were donated by school children, a scout group, & local businesses. South Africa's high levels of violent crime make life dangerous for police officers, let alone their dogs who are frequently shot, stabbed, or beaten by the criminals they are chasing. More than 160 officers were killed in the year to September 2001, while more than 800 officers were attacked while on duty. Of more than 1,000 police dogs, 21 were injured in 2001.

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Out Of The Mouths Of Babes . . . The following apparently comes from a Catholic elementary school. It could happen... Kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)....

á In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

á Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which animals come on to in pears.

á Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

á The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

á Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

á The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still & he obeyed him.

á Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives & 700 porcupines.

á Jesus was born because Mary had a immaculate contraption.

á The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

á The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

á St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which in another name for marriage.

á Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Q. What's the difference between Elvis and Osama bin Laden? A. There have been at least three sightings of Elvis over the past two months.

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A man was on a date with a woman. They had returned to her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out. Nibbling her earlobe, the man whispered, "You know, I'd like a little pussy." She said, "Oh, me too, mine's as big as a house."

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What's the address of this restaurant? A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French & he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty. The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty. The waiter said that was the peach poosay & he would order it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off & there was a peach that had been quartered & pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt & take a piece of the peach & push it in & out of her pussy. She picked up the second piece & did the same. The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?" The waiter responded, "But no Monsieur, you eat the poosay."

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A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl thought about this & remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

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A Couple For The Girls

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. How's things, Eve?" He asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ... where did I put that useless tit?"

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes & wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, & the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, & the family room was strewn with toys & various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, & a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys & more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, & asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered & asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled & answered, "You know every day when you come home from work & ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

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George W. & Saddam Hussien, unable to solve their differences any other way, decide to have themselves frozen for 100 years to find out who wins in the end. When they are thawed out, they both ask for newspapers & start reading. Before long both of them are chuckling, George W. goes first, "Hey Saddam, apparently Iraq has adopted Hinduism as the national religion!" Saddam barely seems fazed when he replies back, "That's nothing George, haven't you read about the renewed fighting along the Canadian/Mexican border?"

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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, new rules are: only one carrion allowed per passenger."

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Oxymoron Time!

Act naturally

Advanced BASIC

Airline food

Almost exactly

Alone together

Business ethics

California culture

Clearly misunderstood

Diet ice cream

Exact estimate

Feminist humour

Government organisation

"Now, then ..."

Plastic glasses

Rap music

Pretty ugly

Resident alien

Safe sex

Taped live

Working vacation

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This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up & says "there's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you". Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' A 'female horth,' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, ' can I thee her eyth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', say the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. 'Noth teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks the dwarf up & shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina & holds him there for a second before pulling him out & putting him down. 'Perhaps I should rephrase that' said the dwarf. 'Can I see her wun awound?'

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner & had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements & so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. How do you feel about sex? he asked, rather trustingly. Well, she says, responding very carefully, I'd have to say I would like it infrequently. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually & asked, Was that one word or two words?