How to Shut Up an Annoying Fellow Traveller

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses & asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, & a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; & the horse, road apples or meadow muffins. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know s h* t?"

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Mum's The Word Sport's top 10 embarrassing family members

á Birmingham City striker Clinton Morrison is seemingly incapable of fighting his own battles. Well, at least his mother Angela thinks so. Morrison clashed with Fulham's Rufus Brevett during his side's 1-0 win over the Cottagers at the weekend. And after the match, the Republic of Ireland forward's mother continued the spat with Brevett in the players' lounge. According to post-match reports, Mrs Morrison got caught up in a heated discussion with Rufus Brevett in defence of her son Clinton. Stewards reportedly had to be called to the players' lounge after Sunday's match to halt the unlikely verbal bust-up. Brevett allegedly told Morrison's mother Angela: "Your son's got a big mouth." And she replied: "I know, he gets it from me."

á The 76-year-old Ulla Eriksson hit the headlines in the summer with her claim that her son and Man Utd boss Ferguson enjoy a less than cordial relationship. Ulla Eriksson is happy to embarrass son Sven "Alex Ferguson is a threat to my son," she blasted. "Sven once told me that it is pointless having national team games in April or May because Ferguson always makes sure that his players aren't fit." Mrs Eriksson went on to reveal that she is a huge football fan with her own thoughts on the way the beautiful game should be played - ideas she is not afraid to share with former Lazio boss Sven. "We don't always have the same opinions on football and, when I think a player hasn't done his job properly on the pitch, I tell Sven so."

á In 1993, Tony Wilson was embroiled in a British light heavyweight title fight against Steve McCarthy when his mum leapt into the ring and started beating her son's opponent with her stiletto shoe. When McCarthy left the ring with blood seeping from a head wound and refused to return to the ring, Wilson was awarded the victory.

á Whenever West Indies bowler Curtly Ambrose took a Test wicket his mother rushed onto the balcony of her home in Antigua to triumphantly ring a special bell. It must have been irritating for her neighbours when Curtly was playing on the other side of the world in what, to them, was the middle of the night.

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I went to the movies last night and noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. I was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. So I moved to the seat next to her and offered to help. She welcomed me, so I started fingering her like crazy. When I got tired and withdrew my hand, I was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. "Wasn't I good enough?" I asked sheepishly. Wait for it, Wait for it, "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

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Funny Old Round Up Some of the quirky, offbeat or plain daft stories doing the rounds.

á Naked ambition Double Olympic gold medallist Lavinia Milosovici has been causing quite a stir, after the Romanian gymnast performed routines in the nude. Milosovici was filmed with two other Romanian gymnasts in Japan, according to reports. Their acrobatic display was partially broadcast on late-night television in Japan, much to the disgust of the country's gymnastics federation. Koji Takizawa said: "Even if she has retired from competition, her act is a disgrace to gymnastics. "We would like to bring the matter to world attention through the International Gymnastics Federation." This is the second time the trio have caused a stir out of their gymslips. They had previously posed nude in a Japanese picture book & magazines.

á Bin there, done that Tottenham's derby clash against Arsenal was briefly disrupted on Sunday after an unwelcome invader on the pitch. A Bin Laden impersonator appeared on Sunday. It was not the archetypal streaker but an imitation of the Gunners' most infamous fan, Bin Laden used to watch Arsenal when he lived in London. & on Sunday a member of the crowd, bearded & wearing sunglasses, stormed on to the field in full Arsenal kit with the name Osama emblazoned on his back.

á Clean sheet cut short The wife of Reading goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann was breathing a massive sigh of relief at the weekend after the American conceded his first goal in seven games. Hahnemann had, prior to Saturday night, been boasting a hairy bottom lip. & he told wife Amanda it would be staying put until he conceded a goal. That seven-match streak finally ended on Saturday & Amanda told the Sun: "As we got ready to go out for the evening, the razor came out."

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Two Palestinian women walking down the road. One said to the other: "Does my bomb look big in this?"

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Change the Mood These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

á Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

á I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother.

á Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face.

á I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

á I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

á I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming.

á My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way.

á My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you really screwed up my life.

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An Oldie, Believe it or not!

Once upon a time, a perfect man & a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa & his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated & the perfect couple & Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus & there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man & no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. & that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman & you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either!

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The Wisdom of Supermodels

We've come a long way from Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain...

á ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit & I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."-- Cindy Crawford

á ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson

á ON CAREER CHOICES "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." -- Paulina Porizkova

á ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis

á ON GEOPOLITICS "Mick Jagger & I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."-- Jerry Hall

á ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -- Tyra Banks

á ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball & modelling." -- Gabrielle Reece

á ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labour & I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -- Beverly Johnson

á ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."-- Cheryl Tiegs

á ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER "I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."-- Claudia Schiffer

á ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon & ended up having little scabs up & down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them." -- Cindy Crawford

á ON ECONOMICS "I don't wake up for less than $10, 000 a day." -- Linda Evangelista

á ON ZEN "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."-- Paulina Porizkova

á ON LOGIC "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me." -- Christy Turlington

á ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."-- Linda Evangelista

á ON THE GRIEF PROCESS "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from & took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss." -- Veronica Webb

á ON VENGEANCE "Girls are always getting mad at each other & they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair." -- Tasha

á ON BATTING .667 "I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."-- Cameron Diaz

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Talking of oldies . . . Ever Wonder . . . á ...why doctors call what they do "practice"? á ...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? á ...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour? á ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? á ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? á ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains? á ...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? á ...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

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A Christmas Extra For The Ladies

Did you know,

While both male & female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish & Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the Spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl! We should have known! Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit around the world in one night & not get lost.

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A man takes a week off & decides to play a round of golf everyday. First thing Monday he sets off on his first round & soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman & as he gets closer to her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner. He's interested & suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees & a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer & she wins their little match on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company & competition & says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss & she ends up giving him a blowjob. The next morning he spies her at the first tee & suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive & slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company & playing a tight round of golf. Again she pips him at the last & again he drives her home & once again she goes down on him in appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but nevertheless in the car home on Friday he tells her that he has such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a Night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she burst into tears & says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth. "You see," she says, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt & curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry" she repeats. "You b*stard," he screams (rather red in the face), "You cheating f*cking b*stard, you've been playing off the ladies tees all f*cking week!!"

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Similes From Actual GCSE Essays

á Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

á His thoughts tumbled in his head, making & breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

á McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

á Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

á Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

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áA Prayer We Can All Identify With!

"Dear Lord, so far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lied, lost my temper, been greedy, nasty, selfish or self-indulgent. I have not complained, cursed, whined, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing to my credit card. But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need Your help then."

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Another Sporting Oddity

Running into trouble BBC Sport Online A pair of shortsighted runners managed to get lost for 18 hours after forgetting to put their glasses on for a road race. Barry Bedford & Les Huxley entered the 50-mile event with high hopes, but quickly found themselves in big trouble after losing the other competitors. The dippy duo spent the next 18 hours running around like headless chickens, before finally crossing the finishing line at two o'clock the following morning. "We were running for miles & couldn't see a turn-off" Barry Bedford Barry, 61, admitted: "The organisers put signs up marking the route & gave us maps - but we couldn't read them. "We stopped people to check the route, but they just laughed at us because I was holding the map upside down." Les, 57, said: "We first realised something was up when we couldn't see anybody else. "The idea was for us to tag on to the other runners & let them lead us around - but they got away from us in this wood." The pair were supposed to be running around the perimeter of Rotherham in South Yorkshire, but at one point they ended up in Nottinghamshire. "It was getting dark, so we decided to stick to the road," Barry explained. When Barry & Les did finally make the finishing line, it was deserted & they had to get the race organiser out of bed so he could bring them home. Amazingly, at no stage did the pair consider throwing the towel in. "Our motto is 'We've started so we'll finish'," Barry said. "Although after this we might change it to 'Don't forget your specs'!"

Lastly, something that might help us remember what Chistmas is all about, Christian or not A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor." So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." Makes you think, right?