Many A True Word . . .

A young bride & groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum & diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day."

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A bloke goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him round the plant & shows him all the machinery & offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the man. "Well", says the foreman, "you have to check one in a hundred", & proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his manhood, then calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down & bends over. The foreman does the business & after he's finished he removes the Durex, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says. "When do I start?" Asks the man, unable to believe his luck. "Monday, 8:00 sharp!" Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, & is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up & the man faithfully counts out 100 ribbed black mambo's (lubricated with ensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his manhood & calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, & proceeds to vigorously masturbate him. Rather startled & confused, the man just looks at the secretary who says........... "Sorry, it's company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

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A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout & having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer & said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home & told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly & said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye & I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep & the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

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An employee approached his boss & asked for a raise. "Well" began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank & I just can't afford to give you a raise." "But I'm doing the three men's work & I always have..." retorted Frank. "Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, & I'll fire them!"

LOUD SEX!

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you >have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOUR

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,"This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."