Adam Learns About Marriage God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him. And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him. Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave." And Adam said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him. "In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

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A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

******* Mrs. Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" Says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

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Farmer remarks to wife, "If your tits were bigger we could get rid if the damn cow." She replies, "If your cock was bigger, we could fire the fucking tractor driver!"

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It's Good To Be A Woman...........

We got off the Titanic first... We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses... Taxis stop for us... We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing... No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo... We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves... If we forget to shave, no one has to know... We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear... We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there... We have the ability to dress ourselves... We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked... If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot... There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems... We'll never regret piercing our ears... We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes... We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway...

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The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

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From the Strange But True Department

Whisky cure after anti-freeze error

A woman who drank anti-freeze was prescribed whisky as an antidote after her potentially life-threatening mistake. Glennis Middleton, from Forfar in Angus (Scotland), was told that anti-freeze can cause kidney failure, blindness & even death. Doctors at Ninewells Hospital in Dundee told her that alcohol was the antidote & gave her a choice of gin, vodka or whisky. She chose whisky - known as the "water of life" - & was given two cupfuls to drink immediately. Doctors stress that the correct dose has to be given & blood levels monitored thereafter. Mrs Middleton drank antifreeze left on a table by a relative who she was helping decorate her house. She said she was "stunned" when doctors told her how serious it could be. "I think it's all the more dangerous because it doesn't taste bad - I thought it was particularly strongly-flavoured water. It didn't taste bitter." Dr Shobhan Thakore, of Ninewells Hospital's A&E department, said: "Potentially, fairly small amounts (of antifreeze) can kill you. "When the body breaks them down it makes products which are toxic. "The potential is that it causes kidney failure & can cause seizures, & the methanol can cause blindness."

& there's more Inept Car Thieves Couldn't Drive (Reuters) - Two would-be Canadian thieves learned the hard way on New Year's Day that knowing how to drive a car is a prerequisite for stealing one. Police said the two males accosted a pizza delivery man in northeast Edmonton, Alberta, early Wednesday & demanded the four pizzas he was carrying as well as cash. The bandits, aged 17 & 18, apparently changed their minds at one point & jumped into the man's car. But their getaway was foiled because the 17-year-old behind the wheel did not know how to drive a stick shift. Flummoxed by the manual transmission & clutch, the duo then went back to their original plan to commandeer the pizzas, Edmonton Police spokesman Wes Bellmore said. "It was a toss-up between pizzas & the car, & they knew how to operate pizzas," Bellmore said. When officers soon arrived on the scene, they spotted one of the suspects entering the home where the pizzas were to be delivered. Both were arrested & have been charged with robbery & theft under $3,000. Police also recovered the pizzas.

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A lady was quarrelling with her maid, and the maid decided to tell her some home truths "I'll tell you, madam" she said "That your husband has told me himself that he thinks I am a better housekeeper, cook and laundress than you are! AND he thinks I am prettier. But that's not all - I am better than you in bed!" "I suppose he told you that too" demanded the lady "No" she replied "The gardener told me!"

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Confucian Proverbs:

All men eat, but Fu Manchu.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Girl who sit on brother-in-law's lap, make hard for sister.

Girl who sit on carpenter's lap get hard tool.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

Man who marry a girl with no bust, feel low down.

Man who read woman like book, prefer Braille.

Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

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Have You Ever Used The London Underground?

A list of actual announcements that Tube train drivers have made to their passengers.

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ' Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun...unfortunately towels are not provided'.

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"

"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."

'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door'

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' He gave up... 'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."

Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"

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After digging to a depth of 100m, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years & came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. Not to be outdone, German experts soon dug 200m & headlines in the newspapers of the fatherland read: "Berlin historians have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres & have concluded that their ancestors already had high-tech digital telephones 1,000 years before ze Russians." One week later, the Irish press reported: "After digging as deep as 500m, Irish explorers have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5,000 years ago their ancestors were already using mobile phones."

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A lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse." 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "One nil." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!" A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Goal, one all!" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Goal, two one!" Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Goal, two all!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a another and says - "Another goal, three two!" Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but this time follows through all over the sheets. The wife looks and says, "Oh God, what the hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, swap sides!"