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Funny Old Round-Up BBC Sport Online picks out some of the quirky, offbeat or plain daft stories doing the rounds. á

Posh 'Becks down'. Victoria Beckham is said to have dropped plans to fight Peterborough United for the name Posh. The former Spice Girl had contested an application by the Second Division club to register the nickname they have used for 68-years. Peterborough wanted to continue using it on shirts & souvenirs, but Posh Spice claimed the name was more closely associated with her. But in a new move, the club's chief executive, Geoff Davey, told The Sun Victoria's position had "moderated significantly". Perhaps she's decided to challenge The Queen for the 'Your Majesty' moniker instead.

á Spot of bother. Two men have appeared in court charged with stealing the penalty spots from Rotherham football ground. John Nunns & a 17-year-old pleaded guilty to digging up the spots at the First Division club in the early hours of Christmas Day morning. They were bailed until 20 January, when they will be sentenced. Rotherham magistrates heard the pair broke into the Millmoor ground for a prank, carrying off the removed turf in buckets. They were arrested at home on Boxing Day - although it's not clear whether they were grassed up.

á Spy blue. Former Coventry goalkeeper Steve Ogrizovic has insisted reports of his capture are greatly exaggerated. According to the website Petition Online, the 45-year-old was being held prisoner by the Kazakhstani government, following accusations of spying. The site said Oggy had been on a sponsored trip around the world to raise money for the charity Over The Bar when he was captured. But Ogrizovic, who is now Academy Director for the Sky Blues, admitted he was baffled by the claims. "I haven't made any trips to Kazakhstan of late, nor am I planning to!" he laughed. "I can only assume that with the well-documented break-throughs in science of late, I have obviously been cloned."

á Arthur's unlucky break. Dare-devil jockey Alan 'Arthur' Daley has broken his leg for the second time in eight months - while skiing with 18 rivals. Nothing unusual in that, you might think, until you hear the flat specialist's approach to the sport. Former jockey and BBC Five Live pundit Luke Harvey, who roomed with Daley in Courchevel last year, said: "He just goes straight down the mountain, whatever the run, red, black, you name it. "He hasn't got any skiing gear, just waterproofs - and he stops by crashing into the fence at the bottom." Luckless Daley broke the same leg in a meeting at Wolverhampton last May.

á Golfer cries fowl. A New Zealand golfer came up with a novel excuse for missing the cut in a qualifying tournament - duck droppings. David Hartshorne was eliminated from the New Zealand Open preliminary when he failed to sink a 35-foot putt on the first hole of a three-way play-off. Before playing the shot he noticed some fowl looking pellets in his line of vision and asked qualifying tournament referee Phil Aickin if they could be removed. Aickin refused, on the grounds that the droppings had stuck to the green, been baked by the sun and would not have impeded the ball's line. Hartshorne, though, insists he was hard done by and is planning an appeal. á

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From the Strange But True Department

Robbery victim lives after cell phone stops bullet NAGOYA Ü A 27-year-old man in Nagoya was saved from almost certain death earlier this week when a cell phone in his shirt pocket stopped a bullet from piercing his chest after an armed robber shot him, police said Wednesday. According to investigations, Naoaki Miyazaki, submanager of Aoki Super Isshikishimmachi supermarket in Nakagawa Ward, was shot in the chest by Kim Jung Gam, a South Korean national, as he and two others were chasing Kim across the store's parking lot around 9 p.m. Monday. Kim had just stolen the day's takings of about 10 million yen. The shot hit Miyazaki in the chest, but the bullet bore through a memo pad and pocket calculator in his chest pocket and lodged in the cell phone which was immediately behind it. A supermarket official quoted Miyazaki as saying he thought it was a toy gun as he did not feel any pain even though he had been shot, and that he kept chasing the assailant and managed to subdue him together with the two others. Miyazaki was surprised when told that the gun was real, the official said. The police arrested Kim, around 65 years old, for robbery and attempted murder and are grilling him over how he obtained the gun, which was a .38-caliber revolver. Takahiro Sano, a 38-year-old manager of the supermarket store, was also shot in the side and suffered a serious injury, the police said. (Kyodo News)

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Say What? "Looking the way I look -- and I still look good -- I've had an easy life ... I'm very vain but I don't have a big ego problem." -- Tony Curtis, 77, in the Boston Herald.

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Mark Your Calendar These are REAL events! Coming Up: Events

* 9 - 12 Jan 2003: Viking's Porn Week, Dominican Republic

* 1 Feb 2003 Global Orgasm Day, Everywhere!

* 13 - 16 March 2003 Viking Sexy Golf Tournament, Dominican Republic

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British Sexual Superstitions:

According to British 'Agony Aunt' Marjorie. á Masturbation will cause hair to grow on palms of hands, make men impotent, women frigid or sterile, cause madness, etc.

á Women who never reach a climax are always frustrated.

á Women with small breasts are poor risks in bed.

á Women with large breasts are always sexy.

á Men, according to many wives, are perverted if they take girlie magazines, talk about erotic things during lovemaking, like oral sex, etc.

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Time for an oldie

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?", she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again....

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'Out of the Mouths of Babes . . .

' How To Decide Whom To Marry? (as answered by primary school students)

á You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

á No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10

What Is The Right Age To Get Married?

á 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

á No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

á You might have to guess, like maybe if they were yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?

á Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

á Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8

á On the first date they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour ?

á I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

á When they're rich. Pam, age 7

á The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7

á The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

á It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

á There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make A Marriage Work?

á Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

Who said kids were stupid?

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Stress Management

Just in case you're having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts, the funny thing is that it really works. Sit in a quiet place. Make sure you will not be disturbed. Loosen any tight clothing. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. No one but you knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world". The sun is glistening off the gently swaying pine branches. You are safe. You are quiet. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The mountain water is crystal clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.

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Miss World Questions -- NOT

á Question : Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms America : Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen. Question : How can you say so? Ms America : Because it stands every time it sees a woman........ (Applause! Applause!)

á Question : Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Spain : Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro Bull Question : How can you say so? Ms Spain : Because it charges every time it sees an opening. (Applause! Applause!)

á Question : Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Philippines : Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumours. Question : How can you say so? Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth. (Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)

á Question : Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Iran : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves. Question : How can you say so? Ms Iran : Because they like to enter through the back door. (Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

á Question : Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms India : Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers. Question : How can you say so? Ms India : Because it works day & night...... (Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

á Question : Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Malaysia : Well, I can say that male organs in Malaysia are like Proton car. Question : How can you say so? Ms Malaysia : Look tough but actually very soft. (Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

á Question : Ms Singapore, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Singapore : Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu. Question : How can you say so? Ms Singapore : It always wants to rush in quick & leave 15 minutes before

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From the Police Blotter...

á Calgary - If you're a suspected bank robber fleeing from the United States into Canada there are three things you should do first. You should leave your gun behind. Definitely lose the woman's wig. And, under no circumstances, should you still be carrying your robbery hold up note. A suspected bank robber had all three items with him in his vehicle as he tried to come into Canada through the Coutts Alberta border crossing Sunday. The 39-year-old suspect was carrying a .380-calibre handgun, the wig & clothing, & the hold-up note written on the back of a bank cheque. He was arrested, held & turned over to the US Authorities.

á Chicago, Oct. 1, 2002 - It was hard to say if the cops or the robbers were more shocked when two men tried to burglarise a minivan that was occupied by a police officer on an undercover surveillance. The incident happened in a commuter parking lot. Transit police were watching the lot after commuters reported having stereos, cash, cell phones & CDs stolen from their cars. The officer watched as the men got out of their car, looked in the windows of parked cars & pulled on door handles. When the pair opened the van's sliding side door, Officer Jessie Watts Jr. jumped out with his gun drawn & told them to get down. Police said they later found stolen stereo equipment & burglary tools in the men's car.

á It's Usually a Good Idea to Lock Up Your Valuables Sometimes, however, putting them under a mattress is better. A 16-year-old girl (who carried a box into a safe-deposit shop in Chico, Calif., in November, but not the three people who were with her at the time, in that they never handled the box) was charged with possession of drugs & paraphernalia. The girl thought to lock up her valuable methamphetamines & equipment, but apparently was not convincing when she answered the shop owner's question whether there was anything illegal inside. She answered no, but also told him sternly not to look, whereupon, naturally, he looked. The girl's face was caught by the store's surveillance camera, & police arrested her shortly afterward.

á Lazy robber allegedly sends neighbour into bank Apparently it's true with bank robbery just like everything else: If you want something done right, do it yourself. Police say Richard Quiller, 22, failed to heed that time-tested advice when he ordered his neighbour at gunpoint to go into a Bank of America branch in Belvedere, S.C., & withdraw some cash for him. The incident began Friday morning, Nov. 22, when Quiller knocked on Barbara Mitchell's door, pulled out a pistol & demanded money, police allege. Mitchell told her neighbour she did not have any cash, & Quiller allegedly told her to drive him to the Bank of America. Mitchell duly drove Quiller to the bank, but when she went inside she simply told the teller to call 911. Police responded & arrested Quiller while he waited in the parking lot. Quiller faces charges including kidnapping, armed robbery & burglary, & investigators are looking for another man possibly involved in the case.

á Man tries to break into jail Nine minutes after he was free from the Ottawa County jail, police busted a 21 year-old man for his involvement in a hastily arranged prison break. Only in this case, authorities say, the Muskegon man was caught trying to break into the slammer. The man scaled an 8 foot chain-link fence, then tried to hand an inmate a cigarette through a steel grate covering the window. He was arrested & charged with illegal entry & disorderly conduct, both 90-day misdemeanours. The man acknowledged it wasn't his finest moment. "It was pretty stupid," he said. "I was out of there. I was happy. I wasn't trying to break in. I was trying to see a friend & they caught me." The Muskegon man left the jail at 12:01 a.m. By 12:10 a.m., he was back. Sheriff's deputies said privately that the man broke the unofficial record - 45 minutes - for a just-released inmate to wind up back in jail. In that case, a just-freed inmate got busted for drinking beer (to celebrate) on the way home.

á A 700-foot trail of ivory-coloured paint led police to the home of a man suspected of stealing a commercial paint sprayer from a trailer in the parking lot of nearby motel. The suspect was not home when officers arrived Wednesday, but they recovered the $5,000 sprayer from his yard. They then obtained an arrest warrant on charges of burglary of a conveyance & grand theft. The suspect, William Anthony Harris, 44, remained at-large Friday. The sprayer was returned to its owner, Phil Knicely, a contract painter from St. Augustine. Officers "walked right to the man's house & got my equipment," Knicely said. "I was back at work before noon. All I lost was a little bit of time." He & his crew were painting a BellSouth building in neighbouring Cedar Grove. When police arrived at the motel, Knicely pointed out a paint spot on the parking lot. The sprayer sometimes drips for days after being turned off. Paint had leaked onto the sprayer's wheels & left tracks on the blacktop, Knicely said.

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Football World stunned at severity of Bowyer punishment : Switzerland 8th January 2003 : UEFA today stunned the football world by handing out a severe penalty to England international Lee Bowyer after finding him guilty of stamping on an opponent during an UEFA cup match. Bowyer has been banned from European competition for six games & made to sign for West Ham United. The combination of the six game ban & enforced transfer to West Ham means effectively Bowyer has been banned from European football for a minimum of FIFTEEN years. Bowyer himself is said to be philosophical after finally been caught on CCTV stamping on a grounded opponent but does admit he is at least partly to blame as he should have phoned a team mate to come & pick him up & destroyed his boots & socks like he normally does when he finds himself in these situations .... Bowyer's contract entitles him to a #1m bonus payment should West Ham escape relegation, the contract is also believed to include payments should he find Lord Lucan (#750k), prove the existence of extra-terrestrial life (#500k) or explain why the f##k they paid several million pound for Titi Camera (#250k). Meanwhile official West Ham sources would make no comment on rumours that West Ham are to change their away strip to a white sheet with a white hood to make Bowyer feel more at home.