St. Peter & The Lord are going over the last-minute details of woman, before putting her on Earth. "The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two hundred, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord. "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four hundred & twenty, O Mighty One" replied St. Peter. "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, O Great Lord," said St. Peter. "No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand. I want her to scream out my name!"

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From The 'Strange But True' File

Russian Minces Friend After Drunken Argument MOSCOW (Reuters) - A Russian man who murdered his friend in a drunken argument & then minced & flavoured his body for a meal, was jailed for 12 years, Interfax news agency reported. Yevgeny Usanov stabbed his victim through the heart in the central Russian town of Saratov, the agency said Friday. He cut up the body, wrapped it in bay leaves & fed it through a mincer. "These culinary preparations were done with only one aim -- to eat the victim," prosecutor Natalya Rubanova told the court. It was not clear whether the man ate his friend before he was arrested.

& Motorist Runs Up Immense Parking Bill LONDON (Reuters) - A woman in Scotland has emerged as one of the world's most prolific parking offenders. The so-far unnamed driver has forked out a staggering $19,300 in fines over the past three years, but still carries on leaving her car on Glasgow's main square almost every day without paying. A year's season ticket to the nearby car park costs just 1,800 pounds. A Glasgow City Council spokesman told Reuters the woman owes a further 8,000 pounds on each of her two family cars. "She wouldn't bother to go to the ticket machine & she would get the penalty notice slapped on her windshield. She would ignore that... She would just ignore everything," he said. A sizeable part of the money owed results from the cost of sending enforcement officers to her house, he added. Drivers must pay to park in the city's George Square, a policy designed to ensure a high turnover of spaces for people making short visits to the city's Victorian commercial centre. "She's clogging it up all day long," the spokesman said, adding: "We are determined to pursue people like her."

& Nudists take to the skies A US travel agency wants to strip its customers of more than their cash - offering adventuresome tourists a weeklong holiday from their clothes. Castaway Travel, which specialises in clothing-optional vacations, has 170 spots available on an all-nude charter flight between Miami & a nudist resort in Cancun, Mexico. Customers will pay $US499 ($A854) for their round trip flights. For a week at the resort they'll shed an additional ($US770) ($A1,317). Once on board the chartered Boeing 727, passengers will be encouraged to discard their clothes, but not their inhibitions, said Castaway Travel owner James Bailey. "Inappropriate behaviour is not condoned for this nude flight," Bailey said. "Nude etiquette always requests you take a towel, you always have a towel between you & the seat." The proposed nude flight does not run afoul of any Federal Aviation Administration rules, a spokeswoman said. "We have no regulations pertaining to nudity on board an aircraft. It's not a safety issue," spokeswoman Kathleen Bergen said.

& >From "Odd Spot" from the Melbourne Age Haemorrhoid sufferers are flocking to a church in central Portugal in the belief they will be cured by exposing their behinds to the statue of a local saint.

& Man tries to sell his family on eBay Writer Steve Young may be able to peddle his prose, but when it came to selling his family, the father of two couldn't cash in on the $5 million offer. After reading about the online sale of a struggling town in Humboldt County, Young decided to put his wife & kids on the auction block. "If a town could be sold online, then how much could you get for a family?" Young said. After consulting with wife Diana, & their two children, Kelly, 9, & Casey, 8, Young said he posted the ad Thursday on eBay & received more than 10,000 hits within minutes. But when eBay operators heard about the auction early Friday, they yanked the ad, saying it is against company policy to sell human beings. "People have tried to sell themselves five or six times over the past four or five years," said eBay spokesman Kevin Pursglove. "There have been attempts to sell their nephew, uncle, wife, whoever is in the doghouse at the time. They've even tried to sell their soul." Young said the auction winner would receive a lifetime of platonic companionship, including invitations to family outings & holiday gatherings as well as tips on writing, gardening & cooking. The minimum bid was $5 million. The family was willing to relocate anywhere, & the elder Youngs would change their surname. "You have patrons of the arts, museums & charities. I wanted a patron for my family," he said.

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A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

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That Explains Everything 'When the woman ignored me, I thought I'd chase after her.' Masafumi Saito, 20, arrested for driving his car through a Yamagata train station chasing a young woman who ignored his taunts. (Mainichi Shimbun)

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This woman is in labour. Everything is going fine, & suddenly the nurse exclaims, "I can see his head!" Sure enough, the baby peeks out, but then he sees this nurse, gets scared, & ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out & looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, & ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, & the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees his father. Suddenly, he reaches out & starts poking the father on his forehead & says, "How do you like that, arsehole!??"

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A woman is in her doctor's office, & suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me". The Doctor looks at her & says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her. About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once". Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her. Finally another 15 minutes pass, & the woman pleads with the doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!" "Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be ****ing you".

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Varied Types Of Sex

á Social Security Sex Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

á Loud Sex: A wife went in to see a therapist & said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed & my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

á Quiet Sex: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out & asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually & replied, "You're never home!"

á Confounded Sex: A man was in a terrible accident, & his "manhood" was mangled & torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone & explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, & found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

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"What happened to you?" asked the bystander to the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlour. The man shook his head groggily & rubbed his bruised chin. "Last thing I remember was my wife came out of the beauty salon. I took a look at her & said, 'Well, honey, at least you tried,' & then it was lights out . . . "

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The Ecuadorian captain had grown increasingly anxious over rumours of an impending air strike from neighbouring Peru. "Pedro," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain & report any signs of Peruvian military activity." "Si, Capitano," replied Pedro. He trudged up the mountain, & as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way. "There are many planes coming, Capitano," he promptly radioed back. "Friends or enemies?" the Captain demanded urgently. Pedro again lifted his binoculars to the sky. "They're flying very closely together, Capitano," he replied. "I think they must be friends."