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A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

5. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

10. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

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From The Strange But Sadly True File

PC is getting beyond a joke! Beatles Abbey Road Cigarette Airbrushed United States poster companies have airbrushed the classic Beatles Abbey Road album cover to remove a cigarette from Paul McCartney's hand. The move was made without the permission of either McCartney or Apple Records, which owns the rights to the image. The original copy shows a barefoot McCartney third in line on the famous road crossing holding a cigarette. However, politically correct US poster companies have airbrushed out the offending cigarette, to the delight of anti-smoking campaigners. "We have never agreed to anything like this," said an Apple spokesman. "It seems these poster companies got a little carried away. "They shouldn't have done what they have, but there isn't much we can do about it now." The move comes 14 months after guitarist George Harrison died from cancer, which he blamed on smoking. All of the Beatles were heavy smokers during the 1960s and 70s. The 1969 image has been a poster classic since it was taken near Abbey Road studios in north London, where the group recorded most of their music. The shot is one of pop's most controversial album covers. Photographer Iain Macmillan was given just ten minutes to take the picture outside the studios. He balanced on a stepladder and took six photographs of the four walking across a zebra crossing. It was McCartney who selected the cover shot. He had, in fact, come up with the original idea for the sleeve and had presented Macmillan with a sketch for it. A myth suggesting that Paul McCartney had died in a car crash and been replaced by a look-a-like grew up around the picture soon after it was released. Clues could supposedly be found in the image. The white-suited John Lennon symbolised the preacher heading the funeral procession, while the bare-footed McCartney was the corpse. According to the rumours, proof positive of the impostor theory was the fact that Paul was holding a cigarette in his right hand, despite being left-handed.

& New Law May End Pub Singalongs British government proposals may see pubs forced to fork out £10,000 (US$16,231) for an entertainment licence just to have people singing in their bars. The Licensing Bill, which is currently making its way through Parliament, has been designed to improve the system of granting alcohol & entertainment licences. Proposed legislation will mean an end to the two-men-in-a-bar rule which says two people can perform in a pub without the need for a licence. & landlords could see themselves handed large bills for licences & alterations to their pubs just to have a singalong in their bar. Roland Graves, of the Campaign for Real Ale, said: "We're keen to see pubs being able to entertain customers & want the current complex system changed but these proposals will make it worse. "This bill could end entertainment in small pubs because they would not be able to afford it." This view is supported by Stuart Neame, vice-chairman of Kent's largest brewer, Shepherd Neame, who said: "It will end spontaneous music. "This is Taliban-style thinking from a control-freak Government which says no-one can have fun unless licensed." It is also expected the Bill will have a wide-ranging impact on all forms of entertainment not currently licensed. Gary Hyde, the local branch officer of the Musicians' Union, said: "We're very concerned this new law will affect many aspects of people's lives, including theatre groups rehearsing, church bell ringing, carol singing, parties at home as well as entertainment in pubs there are concerns right across the board which must be addressed. The Bill will be published in July & take more than a year to come into effect.

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, & they start talking about their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, & an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, & I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship & were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull sh*t in my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull sh*t?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well, it was my first day with the hook."

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From The Newsroom Theatre wants naked ushers A German theatre said it was looking for three naked ushers to help show guests to their seats at the premiere of a new play this week. The play, "Atta Atta - art breaks free," is by Christoph Schlingensief and opens Thursday at the Berliner Volksbuehne in central Berlin. Schlingensief is a reputed provocateur behind a string of publicity-seeking stunts, such as sticking pins into a voodoo doll made out to look like one of Germany's top politicians. Last year he narrowly escaped prosecution for alleged incitement after torching a straw puppet look-alike of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.

Sex shop customer freed by firefighters.- A customer got more than she bargained for when she visited a sex shop in Wolverhampton. The woman became trapped in a set of handcuffs and had to be freed by firefighters. An engine with six officers was called to the store to help the embarrassed woman. Emma Peynado, who works at the shop, said the woman came in to the shop with two friends to browse around. She put the metal cuffs on one hand, but they jammed, trapping her hand. Firefighter David Pritchard, of Fallings Park fire station, said: "She was a bit worried. "She had to call us out and was a little embarrassed."

Love that costs a leg or two.- A male member of the world's most sexually unequal animal species has finally been found alive. A senior curator at the Melbourne Museum, Mark Norman, has captured & photographed a male blanket octopus. Not only is the hapless male about 100 times smaller than the female of the species, but it dies after having sex with her. Dr Norman, who found a living one on the Great Barrier Reef, said that until now the two-centimetre male had only been discovered dead in trawls & plankton nets. His achievement in capturing & photographing a live one has been documented in a recent paper for the New Zealand Journal of Marine & Freshwater Research. The two-metre female weighs at least 10,000 times as much as the male, sometimes up to 40,000 times as much. This could make the question of position rather delicate, but as it turns out it doesn't matter. The male, it seems, relies on its arm as much as its penis to have sex. This reproductive arm, known as a hectocotylus, is tucked away in a white spherical pouch between its other arms. When males mate, the pouch ruptures, the penis injects sperm into the tip of the arm, the arm is severed, & passed to the female. It stays there until used to fertilise the female's eggs, which can be weeks later. & while the human post-orgasm is sometimes referred to as "the little death", for the male blanket octopus the term takes on literal meaning. The male dies, but the female carries on, free to have sex with more males. In lieu of notches on the bed-post, she carries a collection of male arms carrying sperm. "It's kamikaze sex, effectively," said Dr Norman. "They've found females with up to six male arms in the gill cavity." But how did it get that way? Males compete with each other to fertilise the female, said Dr Norman. Being small allows the male to mature earlier, & allows for better self-protection using its tentacle segments. Both the male & female species are lodged with the collections at Museum Victoria.

Arson man had voodoo fears.- A bridegroom set fire to his house following a row with his wife because he though it was under a voodoo curse, a court has heard. Adeyemi Dosumu, 43, from Splott in Cardiff, was jailed for two-and-a-half years after he admitted reckless arson. Cardiff Crown Court heard the security guard doused his home in petrol & set fire to it in July 2002 after arguing with his wife of less than two months, Joanne Mogford. Prosecuting, Meirion Davies said: "Ms Mogford locked herself in the house but had a heated exchange with her husband. "In fear, she left through the back door & went to a neighbour's house. Dosumu lit the fire after his wife left, with flames from the blaze reaching up to 10ft in the air, the court was told. He then sent Ms Mogford a text message which said: "I'll pay for the damage. From your husband. PS I think voodoo is in the house." Defending, Lee Ingham said: "Dosumu has received love letters from his wife while still in prison. Judge Roderick Denyer QC told Dosumu: "Setting fire to a dwelling house with petrol is very serious indeed."

Woman drove car whilst smoking & drinking -- & with 27 dogs An animal lover had 27 dogs in her car including one on her lap when she was stopped by police on a dual carriageway, a court heard. Barbara Byrne, 60, was also smoking & holding a can of drink between her thighs, Huntingdon magistrates were told. Two police officers tried to pull over the former care worker in her Renault Laguna estate after they saw her driving at 40 mph & veering across the A1 dual carriageway in heavy rain at Brampton, Cambridgeshire. She carried on driving for more than 15 miles after officers sounded sirens & flashed the patrol car's lights. A second police car had to be used to box in her car & force her to stop on 13 May last year. Five dogs were travelling unrestrained. Another 22 small ones were in a cage in the back of the car. Byrne later told the police that she had been driving more than 100 miles from her home to take her pets for a walk on the beach at Skegness. Byrne of Manor Close, Tongham, Surrey, was found guilty of careless driving, failing to stop & driving otherwise than in accordance with a licence. She was banned from driving for a year, fined £50 & ordered to pay £75 costs.

Dying for a drink . . . 'Dead' man shocks family by asking for a drink A Sicilian man who had been pronounced dead by doctors startled relatives by sitting up just before he was to be put into his coffin & demanding a glass of water. Minutes later 79-year-old Roberto De Simone, from Palermo, was rushed back to the Vincenzo Cervello hospital in the Sicilian capital, where 12 hours earlier doctors said he had died. His wife & children, who had been praying over what they believed to be his corpse, declared his recovery to be a miracle. Hospital staff admits that they are baffled by his revival. Mr De Simone himself was more enigmatic. "Old Uncle Giuseppe hasn't got me yet. Both he & paradise can wait," he is said to have declared in a quavering voice on his re-admission to hospital. A family friend told The Telegraph that the comment was a reference to a late relation with whom Mr De Simone had never been on good terms. It was customary in Sicily, the friend said, for people to talk of the day they would die as being "taken by the Lord - but in Roberto's case, he was over the moon to find that he had not been taken by his eternal enemy, Uncle Giuseppe". Details of the retired council employee's remarkable recovery were last week gripping locals who have an irresistible fascination with the afterlife. Relatives said that after feeling unwell at his home in Palermo, Mr De Simone had been taken to the hospital the previous week. There he suffered a serious heart attack. Doctors managed to restart his heart with an adrenaline injection but Donald Trozzi, his son-in-law, a policeman from Pescara, in mainland Italy, said: "At 3.30am, the doctors told us that my father-in-law had entered a coma & that later there had been brain death." In an effort to spare the grieving family members the usual red tape that follows deaths in Italian hospitals, doctors arranged for Mr De Simone - whose heart was still beating - to be discharged as if he were still alive. He was sent home in an ambulance. There, his body was laid out on a bed, the undertaker was sent for & his Sunday best was being readied to dress him for his coffin. As his daughters Rosaria & Anna sat with other friends & relations weeping over his corpse, the nearly-departed Mr De Simone opened his eyes & in a plaintive voice said: "I'd like some water, please. You know, I'm awfully thirsty." The women cried that it was a miracle & Mr De Simone was rushed back to the hospital, where he is now recovering from "serious respiratory problems".

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Know Your Bible Before Quoting It!

Dr Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The following is an open letter to Dr Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative!!!

Dear Dr Laura Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the alter as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 25:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obliged to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the alter of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to 20/20 or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden in Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan. Jack

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Quickies

á What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

á Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either.

á Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays? Because on Tuesday & Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

á How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly & no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him & stopped. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car & closes the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out & running. The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost car will go off the road & he will plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window & turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralysed with terror, the guy watches the hand reappear every time they reach a curve. Finally, the guy gathers his wits & leaps from the car, & runs to the nearest town. Wet & in shock, he goes to a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of tequila, & tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence engulfs everybody when they realize the guy is apparently sane & not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar. One says to the other, "Look Phil, that's the idiot that rode in our car when we were pushing it."

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Some Brit-Type Humour

Matthew Kelly hosted a dinner party for some of his showbiz buddies, including Gary Glitter, Pete Townshend and Jonathan King. After dinner, as coffee was served, they passed round the Under Eights.

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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighbourhood & are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." & she puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money & show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday . . . " The FBI guy looks at his partner & says, "Let's get out of here."

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Ouch! One day God calls down to Noah & says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all you're the guv'... But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I don't just want a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks, one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . .well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check". "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether Wait for it, wait for it "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

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This fellow comes into a pharmacy & asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet & produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist blushes & replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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Who Said Education Was Boring

Interesting History Lesson In the 16th and 17th centuries, before commercial fertilizer was invented, large shipments of manure were transported by ship. It was shipped in dry bundles because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water hit it at sea, it not only became heavier, but fermentation began, and a by-product produced was methane gas. It wasn't long for methane to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before somebody figured out what was happening. Once they determined the role that manure played in the explosions, shippers began stamping the bundles with the term "Ship High In Transit," that the sailors would know to stow it high enough off the lower decks that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus the term "S.H.I.T," came down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

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