*******

A husband & wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast. The next morning, the wife gets up really early & makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."

*******

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

*******

"Today," said the professor , "I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen." Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, "Damn, it there's one thing I can't stand ... it's an organ recital!"

*******

I'll Drink to That! Latest rage in bumper stickers according to a friend who has one: 'Iraq first, France next.'.'

******* What Did You Say? Top Sporting Quotes

á I wanted to get a young French maid but my wife wouldn't let me. British rally driver Colin McRae on his attempts to learn French to blend in with new team Citroen.

á We're not hardened alcoholics, but none of us has had a drink for a month. There's a lot of steam to be released. Farnborough player Nathan Bunce after the non leaguers were beaten 5-1 by Arsenal in the fourth round of the FA Cup.

á I'd be the first to hold my hand up & say there was a number of my players you could point the finger at. West Ham manager Glenn Roeder gives the thumbs down to his team after the 6-0 hammering by Manchester United.

á He was a great drinker but also a very good player. Only he could get tanked up with 10 pints before a match & still win. Jimmy White on Bill Werbeniuk, who died of heart failure last week aged 56.

á It was only a matter of time before they got fit & after that it's like riding a bike - or making love to a beautiful woman - you never forget. Blackburn manager Graeme 'Swiss Tony' Souness on the return to form of strikers Andy Cole & Dwight Yorke.

á I tell him it is a long, hard season in the Premiership & he needs to save himself - that & the fact I am 6ft 2in & he is only 5ft 8in, so I can easily pick him up & throw him in the dressing room. Bolton boss Sam Allardyce on Youri Djorkaeff, who can be a hard man to remove from the training ground.

*******

A farmer walked into a drug store & said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?" The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4." "No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer. "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide." "Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her ass & I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms with PESTICIDE on it!"

*******

Only in Africa Here are some signs that you won't find anywhere else in the world except in Africa.

á In a restaurant in Zambia: "Open seven days a week & weekends."

á On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: "No trespassing without permission."

á On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"

á On a poster in Ghana: "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."

á In a hotel in Mozambique: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am & 11.00am daily."

á On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."

á In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

á A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet: "Risk of electric shock - Do not activate with wet hands."

á On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leone hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."

á In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: "No children allowed!"

á In a cemetery in Uganda: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

á In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this notice."

á A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man & woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."

á In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."

*************

3 cross-dressers held for robbery 31/01/2003 12:44 - (SA) Durban - Three men, who dressed as women to lure their victims to places where they could be robbed, have been arrested in Sydenham, Durban, for a string of robberies. Superintendent Vishnu Naidoo said the men allegedly committed a string of robberies on the M19 near the N2 bridge & the Reservoir Hills & Newlands off-ramps. "The suspects apparently dressed as women & approached their unsuspecting victims at bus stops or while they were walking along the M19, before robbing them. "On Thursday, shortly before the arrests, one victim was stripped & left only in his underwear." Naidoo said three plainclothes policemen walking along the M19 were approached by the three men who allegedly tried to rob them. "Back-up arrived & the suspects, aged between 16 & 21, were arrested. So far, the suspects have been positively connected to at least four cases of robbery." Naidoo said an identification parade would be held on Saturday afternoon.

*******

Just Like That! Some classic Tommy Cooper Stuff!

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." ---------------------------------------------------------------------

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. -------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" ---------------------------------------------------------------

Man with a strawberry growing on his head goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." -----------------------------------------

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "No, straight up, no bull!" -------------------------------------------------

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...." -------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! -------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. -----------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' --------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

*******

An Oldie, Especially for the Jocks

In the old days the English & Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills & at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight. One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) & the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen". With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight & NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman". With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured & again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman". Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman". By this time, the English general had enough & was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE B*STARDS".

*******

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go & it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University." The next applicant was a doctor, & the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family & leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, & we'll send the engineer."

*******

Quickies

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware ."

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" " Twelve thirty ."

*******

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license & registration please?" "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran that stop sign back there." "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me." "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, & proceed with caution." "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, & proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, & you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." "If you can tell me the difference between slowing down & coming to a complete stop." The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, & proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

*******

Some Remarkably Useless Trivia (Someone here is gonna tell me one or more of these is untrue: PLEASE don't bother!)

á Coca-Cola was originally green.

á It is impossible to lick your elbow.

á Men can read smaller print than women. Women can hear better.

á The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

á "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

á Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

á Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.

á Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand.

á Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, & laser printers all have in common? All were invented by women.

á In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

& FINALLY...At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.