A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, & waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets & leaves the package open on the table & his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results & panicking the man grabs the bird & stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home & it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs & looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat & totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours & yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel pants: "Man, have you ever tried to pry the legs apart on a frozen chicken?"

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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? "I'm four & a half".... You're never 36 & a half.... you're four & a half going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. & then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!! But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........ You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... & your dreams are gone. Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!! So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day-by-day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, & maybe a bad one. & it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ... Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 & a half!!!!"

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>From The Newsroom Trapeze Artist Attacks Rival with Castration Tongs BERLIN (Reuters) - A lovesick 58-year-old German man was sentenced to seven years in jail after attacking a factory worker with a pair of bull castration tongs in the western town of Duesseldorf, a state court said on Friday. The circus trapeze artist had tried to emasculate the man using the steel pincers after accusing him of having a relationship with his former girlfriend, a 46-year-old belly dancer who performed in the same circus. The trapeze artist inflicted serious injury on the victim, who worked at a local factory, with the tongs & a knife in the February 2002 assault. But the factory worker was able to fight off the smaller attacker & prevent more serious injury. "Fortunately the factory worker didn't lose anything -- except for a lot of blood," said Ulrich Tholer, spokesman for the Duesseldorf state court. The assailant was convicted of attempted murder & grievous bodily harm. He was also fired from the circus.

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A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom & tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore & buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone & makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature & distinguished man, with grey hair & impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it & enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother & the girl, & tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa & a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, & a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory & $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..." At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder & tells him: "You'll fuck her again!!!"

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Funny Old Round-Up

Some of the quirky, bizarre or just plain stupid sports stories doing the rounds. Kev's driving ambition Sunderland striker Kevin Phillips had the police in stitches when he was stopped for speeding recently. When told his punishment would include three points, he replied: "Any chance of giving them to the team?" Phillips was pulled over in West Rainton, Co Durham, for doing 62mph in a 50mph zone in his BMW. Policeman Nigel Craig said: "He jokingly asked if the points could go to the club to ease their plight."

Players get the chop

A referee took out his revenge on abusive players by threatening them with an axe. The official flipped during a five-a-side game between Romark FC & Czech Club in Finchley, north London. One witness claimed: "All hell broke loose. The ref was like Conan the Barbarian. "He was getting abuse from the Romark players & he abandoned the game. "One of the players called him a fairy & he went completely berserk. He ran off the pitch and returned a few moments later stripped to the waist and waving a long axe around his head." The unnamed ref sent players scattering, although he did not catch any of them with the axe. He then got in his car and drove off.

Pressing engagement

A competition has been launched to find the world's craziest ironers. The Rowenta Trophy contest has been organised by the Extreme Ironing Bureau & is open to anyone. The idea is for contestants to have their photograph taken with ironing board & iron in the most bizarre location or position possible. The top three will feature in a book to be published on extreme ironing later this year. Phil Shaw, the founder of extreme ironing, said: "We've had hundreds of pictures submitted to our website from extreme ironists taking ironing to the edge, but we want to see who's the best of the best in 2003. "The judges will be looking for unusual styles of extreme ironing as well as the more extreme locations." Previous madcap stunts have featured ironing on top of a mountain & underwater.

Tree love

A disgruntled football fan in Brazil is living in a tree, in protest at his team's poor performances. The man, called Roberto, has tied himself to the structure outside Corinthians' ground, & insists he is going nowhere until results start improving. Roberto has been living off bananas, using the skins to hurl at the club's front door. He told journalists he wanted changes made to the team line-up & tactics before he would consider leaving the tree. A Corinthians spokesman stated that they would not respond to Roberto's "extortion".

Beckham boot hits charity:

Manchester Utd staff have lost the football boot that Sir Alex Ferguson accidentally kicked at David Beckham's face. The flying boot has gone back to anonymity after getting mixed up with the rest of the players' boots by mistake. And that means not only are the boot's glory days over but BBC charity Comic Relief has missed out on raising some extra cash. According to the Daily Star, quick-thinking charity workers telephoned Old Trafford to ask if they could sell the boot for charity. Now the charity will miss out on making some money from the boot because Man Utd have lost it. Newcastle send fan to sleep Who said Newcastle's 3-1 demolition of Bayer Leverkusen in the Champions League was not exciting? One travelling Magpies supporter found it so hard to contain his excitement he snoozed his way through the entire 90 minutes. Paul Dalzeil, who had spent £340 on his ticket and travel to Germany, just could not keep his eyes open. The 42-year-old admitted he had drunk just a little too much to calm his pre-match nerves. The Newcastle fan said he was "gutted" after failing to stay awake for a single kick of the game.

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I Love It!

A little boy asks his Father: "Why is England called a Kingdom?"

Dad: "Because it's ruled by a King."

Little boy: "Oh, so that's why Zimbabwe is called a Country

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A Selection Of Quotes

From 'Iron' Mike Tyson, The Maddest Man In Sport.

á On fighting Lennox Lewis "Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man - My style is impetuous. My defence is impregnable. & I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children - Praise be to Allah!" "My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."

á On Evander Holyfield "You got nothing coming, man. I'm going to enjoy this fight." (After biting Holyfield) "This is my career. I have children to raise. I have to retaliate. He butted me. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me."

á On Razor Ruddock "You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."

á Tyson's best bites

"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead."

"I'm on the Zoloft (medication) to keep from killing y'all."

"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."

"I just want them to keep bringing guys on & I'm going to strip them of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain."

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

"I'm not Mother Teresa. But I'm also not Charles Manson!"

"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

"There are nine million people who see me in the ring & hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right." & remember, he said all that with a lisp.

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I went to the store the other day, & I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him & said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me & continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me & started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket & put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

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A Man & Woman's Guide To Valentine's Day (Just in case you got it wrong this year!)

á If you want to a Lady to love you: Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her, Believe in her, Pray with her, Pray for her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewellery, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Forsake all others for her, Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

á If you want to a Man to love you: Show up naked... Bring food... Don't block the TV

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Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home & found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter, she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it & dropped it out the window. The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled _expression & a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down & found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."

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What They Sure As Hell Don't Teach At Harvard Business School

A guide to work ethics

1. Never walk without a document in your hands People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send & receive personal e-mail, chat & generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - & you will get caught -- your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high & wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack & rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you & it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking & conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient & Annoyed Always try to look impatient & annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines & storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) & during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary Read up on some computer magazines & pick out all the jargon & new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 Jackets If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere

11. MOST IMPORTANT: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake

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An Oldie But Still Cute

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long & happy marriage. Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon & took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further & the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse & shot the mule dead. I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, & quietly said, "That's once." & we lived happily ever after.

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There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors & some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors & nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books & other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward & unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

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Would You Believe -- Yet More Words To Live By

á I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end & think, "Well, that's not going to happen".

á Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

á Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

á According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. & women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

á Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

á All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

á Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars & a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

á In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird & people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

á How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

á Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, & he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."

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As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife & I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on TV, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, & even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs & graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek & asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter & that the score was still nothing to nothing. "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

Almost Lastly, An Oldie But Strangely Topical

The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.

á General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland & some smaller nations of no particular consequence & with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre & EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese & the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used & it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

á The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink & smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, & have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, & undisciplined; & those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, & topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, & they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups & to wear baseball caps & colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

á Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky & increased difficulty in getting baseball scores & stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

á History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau & Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years & is now an airport.

á Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, & always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, & floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper & Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, & acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

á Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, & they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. & nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

á Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton & Holiday Inn.

á Economy

France has a large & diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike & blocking the roads with their trucks & tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments & cheese.

á Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, & 112 France is Great & the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), & National Guillotine Day (November 12).

á Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque & varied landscape, & a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

á A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut & the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15 am & 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, & a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Myrtle Beach, & you are advised to as well. Thank you & good luck.