How To Medicate Your Cat Or Dog:

¯ CAT:

Pick cat up & cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat's mouth & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth & swallow. Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, & throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & vigorously rub cat's throat. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines & vases from hearth & set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel & get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap. Retrieve cat from neighbour^(1)s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard & close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage & put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically & pour 2 litres of water down throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers & forearm & removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell & ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

¯ DOG:

Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

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Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous.

After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless. After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast-feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me, as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.

We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,

Bubba Brickhead

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Military Terminology Explained

¯ Securing a Building

o Army -Storm in & deny access to the enemy.

o Navy - Turn off the lights & lock the door.

o Airforce - Take out a 10 yr lease.

¯ Holding Ground

o Army - Defending an area with any force necessary.

o Navy - Bombard all things moving on water.

o Airforce- What? Pushups?

¯ Capability

o Army - We can do it, just tells us when & where.

o Navy - I think we are going to need new equipment.

o Airforce - Money... More money & then maybe.

¯ Guard Duties

o Army - 24hr shift of guarding the Unit.

o Navy - Shift work (no shore leave).

o Airforce - Contract to civilians.

¯ Flex Time

o Army - What?

o Navy - Rest day on Ship.

o Airforce - If I do an extra half hour per day I will get every 2nd Friday off.

Remember: The Army sleep under the stars. The Navy navigate by the stars. The Airforce chooses their hotel by the number of stars.

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Things That Change

When You Leave University: Some of these are sadly oh so true!

1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep

2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all (this one only works if you are male! ).

5. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

6. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work. (Then you really know you're getting old!)

7. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.

8. You carry an umbrella.

9. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.

10. You have standing orders and direct debits.

11. The heating works in your house.

12. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.

13. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.

14. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

15. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

16. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

17. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

18. Washing up is not an annual ritual.

19. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

20. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.

21. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

22. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.

23. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.

24. You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.

25. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.

26. You "hate scrounging students".

27. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.

28. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.

29. You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.

30. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.

31. You always know where you are when you wake up.

32. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

33. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.

34. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

35. A #3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

36. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

37. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

38. You don't have mice living in your kitchen.

39. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.

40. You have vacuumed.

41. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

42. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'.

43. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

44. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.

45. Lunchtime is not 'the morning'

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>From the Newsroom

á Man pays wife to shut up print -- A Romanian businessman is paying his wife £350 a month not to nag him when he comes home from work. Nicolae Popa, who runs a food distribution company in Alba Lulia, says he struck the deal as a last resort. He told the Libertatea newspaper: "My business is going well but it takes all my energy. I get loads of calls from clients & speak on the phone for four to five hours a day. "So when I get home in the evening I am so tired I just want to go to bed. Under the circumstances I struck a deal with my wife: I pay her £350 a month as long as she doesn't nag me." Wife, Maria, who is a programmer & spends most of her time in front of a computer, says she is happy with the deal, but admits to occasional lapses. She said: "There were occasions when I just couldn't keep my promise...but what else can I do if I stay all day with my computer & don't have anybody else to talk to?" The Popas have been married for seven years. They are currently planning to have a child, even though Mrs Popa says she will demand double salary to maintain peace & quiet under the new circumstances. - Ananova.com

á Foiled by old age bite --

One of the job risks of robbers is that they could find themselves face to face with a fine set of canine fangs. However, for one unlucky Japanese robber the fangs belonged to a 66-year-old woman working at the clinic he was attempting to rob. According to Japanese newspapers on Thursday the man stormed into Tokyo's Higashi Waseda clinic threatening the lone employee with a knife & demanding money. "I didn't have any time to think. I simply instinctively bit him," said the woman who was alone in the clinic on Wednesday at the time of the attempted robbery. Amid loud wails of pain the robber made his getaway empty handed. "I would not advise other people to attempt this. She could have been seriously injured," said an official. "But still, she does deserve applause." - Sapa-DPA

á Poetic Justice --

A man has been reported to police by his wife after he allegedly tried to shave off her pubic hair in revenge for a one-year sex ban. Anna Tkacova, 35, from the east Slovak town of Michalovce, called police after she allegedly woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband, Ondrej, shaving her pubic hair with a razor blade. Local daily Novy Cas claims the man has said he wanted to take revenge on his wife, after she refused to sleep with him for more than a year. The newspaper reports he did not say why he thought it was a fitting punishment. Police are investigating the case, but say they are not even sure what offence the man has allegedly committed, & whether it would be possible to bring a prosecution. - Ananova.com

á Man kills 'better lover' --

A 22-year-old man was killed by his friend in the Philippine capital for claiming he has more appeal to women than the suspect, a police report said on Friday. The report said Ricardo Berana was stabbed to death by his friend Norberto Basisila before dawn on Thursday while the two, along with another companion, were having a drinking spree in Manila's suburban city of Las Pinas. The suspect reportedly got angry at the victim when the latter claimed he has more sex appeal since he has more beautiful girlfriends. "Without a warning, the suspect allegedly got a knife tucked on his waist & stabbed the victim," the report said. "The suspect immediately fled after the incident." The victim died on the way to the hospital. - Sapa-DPA

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This Week's Dose Of Trivia

á According to a poll in a US film mag, Julia Roberts has the sexiest eyelashes.

á Hugh Grant picked up a piffling 2% of the votes for the best successor to Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, according to a poll in a UK film mag. (British-born actors Jude Law, Ewan McGregor & Christian Bale were the people^(1)s choice.)

á "Why ... are we still living in ... London when we could be living here?" Madonna reportedly asked British husband Guy Ritchie, while visiting in LA. However, in an e-mail to The Sun, Madge said she "adores" England.

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An Oldie But Still Cute

Several new viruses have been discovered & are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. beware of:

THE CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with no memory. THE LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your system then e-mails everyone about what it did.

THE RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

THE MIKE TYSON virus: quits after 2 bytes.

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb.

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus: disks can no longer be inserted.

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through windows.

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Talking of old but cute

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground & go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car & sees Daddy & Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting & can barely contain himself as he runs home & starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND & DADDY AND..." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look & Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off & said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, & "then Daddy & Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy & Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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Have you eaten recently?

Q: What do you call a 300 lb. woman with a yeast infection ?

A: A Whopper, with cheese!

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One night a man & a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking & come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place & he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom & starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom & they have sex for an hour or so. Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes, how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" "Because I didn't feel a thing." *