Last Monday was St Patrick's Day & so, allowing time for the hangovers to disappear, here are a few suitable ones

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut & bruised & he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor & me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, & a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, & a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight & folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, & she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.. " The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " Wait for it, wait for it She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

*******

A husband and wife were having marital problems. Finally the husband gets sick of it and takes his wife to a Family & Marriage Therapist. The therapist asks them each questions and listens to their responses and their arguments. Finally after a long time, the therapist calls the wife over, holds her hand, gives her a hug and gives her a kiss on the cheek. The wife is surprised, and blushes but apparently likes the attention she received. The therapist turns to the husband and tells him, "See, that is all your wife needs." The husband, overjoyed, says: "That's it? Great, I'll bring her in Mondays and Wednesdays".

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It's an oldie but might still apply to some of you (even the guys)

20 Reasons why a Woman Should Call it a Night................

1. You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

2. You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead & wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's @rse and honestly believe that you could do it too.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realise you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up & carry on eating it.

6. You start crying & telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed & think it looks exotically sexy.

12. you seem to think that it's a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. You're hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.

18. You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) & take a quick nap.

19. You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink

20. You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

*******

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, & meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, & speak in a normal conversational tone & see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, & so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, & he's in the living room, & he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

*******

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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>From the newsroom

á Man, 94, seeks lover (Ananova.com) - A 94-year-old Chinese man is using a dating agency to find a lover but says he's not ready to get married. The man, named simply as Mr Zhang by the Nanguo City News, said he doesn't want to be tied down yet. He is looking for a good-looking, financially stable woman who is less then 60 years old & "willing to turn a blind eye to the law". It is illegal for unmarried couples to live together in China, although the law is very rarely enforced, reports the South China Morning Post. The matchmaking company said they had not received many responses to Mr Zhang's advertisement.

á Hotel Bans US Tourists in War Protest (Reuters)

- A hotel on the Thai holiday island of Koh Samui has banned American tourists in a protest against the US-led war in Iraq (news - web sites), its owner said on Friday. Virach Pongchababnapa, owner of the 62-room Pavilion Resort on the island, 550 miles south of Bangkok, said US visitors were not welcome because he was against the US campaign to overthrow Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. He said he had already turned away two American tourists, provoking protest letters & emails from other US citizens. "I have politely told them that I am opposed to the policies of their government, & Americans are not welcome here," he told Reuters. "My resort is against war mongers." A spokesman for the US embassy in Bangkok was not available for immediate comment.

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Having had a go at the Irish, it's time to have a poke at my other ancestors á "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

á "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

á "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf

á "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---- Marge Simpson

á "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France

á "As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh,

á "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin

á "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ---John McCain, US Senator from Arizona

á "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses & wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien

á "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno

á "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman

á How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb & all of Europe revolves around him.

á Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France !

á In a surprise conciliatory move, the US sent a delegation of 35 Girl Scouts, armed with 250,000 cases of coveted Thin Mints cookies, to the French Parliament in an attempt to ease tensions between the two countries. Upon seeing the approaching Girl Scouts, the French immediately surrendered. The U.N. praised the Girl Scouts for bringing a quick end to the French-American War, and, in particular, for preventing the French from destroying their vineyards & soufflŽ recipes before surrendering. The Girl Scouts are now selling cookies in an attempt to raise sufficient funding to rebuild France.

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After the Irish & the French, it's now the turn of the big guys Pattern Recognition To ensure that Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing them, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper ID, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors. Let's pause for a moment to take this simple terrorism history test. See if you can find a pattern among terrorist events in recent history....

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:

a. Olga Corbitt

b. Ronnie Corbett

c. Arnold Schwartzeneger

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

a. Sooty

b. Elvis

c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

3. During the 1980s, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

a. John Dillinger

b. The King of Sweden

c. The Boy Scouts

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

a. A pizza delivery boy

b. Dirty Den

c. Robbie Williams

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered & bravely thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:

a. The Smurfs

b. Davy Jones

c. The Little Mermaid

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 6.

In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:

a. Captain Kid

b. David Bowie

c. Mother Teresa

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 7.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

a. Scooby Doo

b. The Tooth Fairy

c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 8.

In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:

a. Richard Simmons

b. Grandma Moses

c. Michael Jordan

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 9.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

a. Mr. Rogers

b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems

c. The World Wrestling Federation

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked. Two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Center towers; of the remaining two, one was crashed into the Pentagon and the other was diverted by the passengers & crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. That day, thousands of people were killed by:

a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd

b. The Supreme Court of Florida

c. Mr. Bean

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

a. Enron

b. The Lutheran Church

c. The NFL

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

a. Bonny and Clyde

b. Captain Kangaroo

c. Billy Graham

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In October, 2002, nearly 200 people were killed when a nightclub in Bali was bombed by:

a. Hans Blix

b. Connie Chung

c. The Dixie Chicks

d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Hmmm, I don't see any pattern here. Do you?

& Canada Fights Back This is a good 'un! Apparently this was aired on Canadian Television for the Americans.

'On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently & for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him. I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper & better than your own. I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice. I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain. I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons. & finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with. Thank you.'

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Boom Boom!

In light of the news of the so-called human cloning going on, I have to ask the hypothetical question: If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be: A) murder, B) suicide, or C) merely making an obscene clone fall

*******

One for all the language teachers

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

*******

While crossing the Thai/Laos border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"

*******

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road & approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up & there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left & there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right & there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."