Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1." Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!" There was a brief moment of silence. First voice again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!"

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>From The Newsroom

á They Don't Teach This in Driver's Ed: BERLIN (Reuters) -

A German couple stunned highway police when they were spotted changing places behind the wheel while driving at 50 miles per hour, police said on Thursday. "It's not a trick I would recommend," said a police spokeswoman. Police found the Mercedes contained a sleeping baby & some hashish, the spokeswoman said. The 25-year-old male driver had no driving license. The couple, stopped in central Germany, was briefly detained & fined, but allowed to continue their journey.

á Three Die Retrieving Phone from Latrine (Reuters) -

Three Kenyans died trying to retrieve a mobile phone that slipped down an open-pit latrine while its owner answered a call of nature, a newspaper reported on Friday. Anxious to recover her phone, the owner in the coastal town of Mombasa offered 1,000 shillings ($13.09) to anyone who would recover it, the Daily Nation said. Well over half the Kenyan population of 30 million people lives on less than $1 a day. The first to try -- a 30-year-old radio technician -- failed to resurface after disappearing down a ladder into the latrine. His friend went after him but slipped & fell. The third casualty, trying to rescue the others, was hauled out of the pit by neighbours after he inhaled the fumes & lost consciousness. The man was rushed to hospital but died on the way. "The fumes inside must be extremely poisonous considering the short time it was taking to disable the retrievers," acting Mombasa police chief Peter Njenga was reported as saying. The Daily Nation said police prevented a fourth man from climbing into the latrine & the search for the phone was eventually abandoned. Only in Africa!!

á From the 'Melbourne Age':

A $NZ200,000 ($A184,179) dispute between two New Zealand telephone companies has been resolved in an unusual out-of-court settlement - a best-of-three arm-wrestling match between the chief executives.

á According to the Mail on Sunday, there is no headstone yet on Spike Milligan's grave, with or without the epitaph "I told you I was ill", all due to the ongoing dispute between his widow & children. His illegitimate son, James, has apparently offered to pay for one. Sad story. The moral is: die as poor as possible.

á Girl hit by 'fish odour syndrome' (BBC)

A four-year-old girl has been diagnosed as having a rare inherited condition where sufferers constantly smell of rotten fish. The child's condition was triggered when fish was included in her diet from the age of nine months. According to the journal Medicina Clinica, it is the first genetic case of 'Fish Odour Syndrome' to be documented in Spain. It is estimated there have been just 200 cases seen worldwide since the condition was first observed in the 1970s. The syndrome often has very negative psychological effects on sufferers: social exclusion that leads to depression, low self-esteem & anxiety. Dr Luis Sierrasesumaga, director of the Department of Paediatrics at the Clinic University of Navarra, North Spain, said: "The problem can be so serious that some patients can get to their teens without stepping out of their homes because of rejection. "A number of victims choose jobs where they have to be on their own. Some smoke a lot to disguise the smell." Trimethylaminuria is a metabolic illness where the liver cannot metabolise trimethylamine, a chemical produced by naturally occurring intestinal bacteria properly. It can be triggered by a kidney or liver infection or the excess intake of the chemical choline, which the body turns into trimethylamine. There is no cure, but diets avoiding foods that contain choline, like salt-water fish, egg yolk, peas, liver, kidney, & legumes, can have a degree of success. Trimethylamine is excreted in the breath, sweat & the urine itself. Fish Odour Syndrome can vary from individual to individual. Assessment can be inaccurate & it can take a long time for patients to be diagnosed.

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A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix... The doctors operated & advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind... Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"

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What did you say?

The top sporting quotes from the last week.

á If you think footballers receive too much adulation, you should have seen me watching Donny Osmond. Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock reveals he gained inspiration for plotting the FA Cup defeat of Leeds after watching Donny in concert during the week.

á They gave us a bath. Sri Lankan coach Dav Whatmore pays tribute to Australia.

á Last season I said Formula 1 wasn't worth getting out of bed for - but I'd have been most upset had I missed this one. FIA president Max Mosley vows to start setting his alarm clock again, following the exciting Australian Grand Prix.

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The other night this lady was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed & the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up & cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing that her husband probably was awakened by this, she cuckooed another 9 times. The lady was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, & she told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. ^(3)Whew! Got away with that one,^(2) the lady thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, & then tripped over the cat & farted.

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The latest ploy to drive the Taliban & Al Queda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Louisiana Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, & Cooter are being sent in with the following information:

1. The limit is two.

2. The season ended last weekend.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, or country music

5. Some are queer.

That should just about do it. Don't you think?

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Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jam until it falls out of the cupboard & splatters on the floor.... & these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms & one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a biscuit jar has been disturbed & notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door & can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. & if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist & snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" & if he tried to lie to her, she'd march him down the street to some secret bunker & shove his nose into a nuclear bomb & say, "Uh, huh, & what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! & she'd lay some stripes across his bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean & apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer. Inspectors! You want the job done? Call my mother.

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Adam & Eve Adam had none. Eve had two. Nowadays everyone has three. To what am I referring? (Answer after the next joke)

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At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the umpire. No matter what was happening on the field, she kept yelling, "Kill the umpire!" This went on for an hour. Another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong." The woman said, "He's my husband & he came home last night with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!!"

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A long, long time ago, two Egyptian camel drivers were fighting for the hand of the daughter of the sheik of Abbudzjabbu. The sheik, who didn't really want either of these men to become the future husband of his daughter, came up with a clever plan: a race would determine which of the two men would be allowed to marry his daughter. & so the sheik organized a camel race. Both camel drivers had to travel from Cairo to Abbudzjabbu, & the one whose camel would arrive last in Abbudzjabbu would be allowed to marry the sheik's daughter. The two camel drivers, realizing that this could be come a rather lengthy expedition, finally decided to consult the Wise Man of their village. Arriving there, they explained to him the situation, upon which the Wise Man raised his cane & spoke four wise words. Relieved, the two camel drivers left his tent: they were ready for the contest! Which four wise words did the Wise Man speak?

Answers below Adam & Eve Answer: The letter 'E'. Camel Race Answer: "Take each other's camel."

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All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

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Words of Wisdom, US-Style

á "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

á "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

á "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, & the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

á "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air & water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

á "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

á " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President

á "We've got to pause & ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

á "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

á "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

á "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

á "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

á "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed & it will monitor their heart throughout the night. & the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush. "How's your summer been?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen." The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner & hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers & fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" & takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee. "Great!" replies the second. The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, & inquires, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. (wait for it, wait for it) "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

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You Gotta Love The Guy!

The late Barry Sheene, who died last week, suffered a 160mph crash at Silverstone & then went through an 8-hour operation to rebuild his legs with 28 screws. & what did he say when he came round after surgery" 'Get us a fag. Gauloise if poss.' Other quotes:

á 'Next to breathing, eating and drinking, the most important thing is money.' -- Adam Faith, who also died last week

á 'If you try to please everybody, somebody's not going to like it.' ' -- Donald Rumsfeld

á 'People ask me if I believe in God & I say, 'If you had my life, you'd believe in God, I tell you!' -- Sir Michael Caine (who was 70 on Friday)

From the BBC's 'Bonus Question' contest, where they provide the answer & entrants guess the question. The quote was:

"His jumping days are over." Suggestions included: á What did Donald Rumsfeld reportedly say when asked what he thought of "Frog" Jacques Chiraq's suggestion that he would veto a second resolution?

á Why did the chicken cross the road?

á So Mr Jagger, How did Jack Flash get on during your tour of China?

The correct answer was "What did the owner of the dog who was hurt jumping up to get a leaflet out of his letterbox, say?"

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

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The Joy Of Directory Enquiries

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?

Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off

. Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?

Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.

Operator: Where are you calling from?

Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board please.

Operator: Which department?

Caller: Tap water

Operator: How are you spelling that?

Caller: With letters.

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A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once." "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk. "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

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10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

á No one ever steals your chair.

á Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

á Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

á People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

á You want to see if it's like the dream.

á To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

á "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

á Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

á Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. And...drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked :

á Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

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Two blondes were at a bar. They decided to cruise around in their new cherry red convertible, but then they realized they locked their keys in the car. After about an hour of trying to get in one blonde says to the other- you better hurry up! there is a storm coming and we left the top down!"