It was election time & a politician decided to go out to the local reservation & try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, & the crowd was getting more & more excited. 'I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!' The crowd went wild, shouting 'Hoya! Hoya!' The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. 'I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!' 'Hoya! Hoya!' cried the crowd, stomping their feet. 'I promise more social reforms & job opportunities for Native Americans!' The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting 'Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!' After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, & saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, & knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. 'Sure,' the Chief said, 'but be careful not to step in the hoya.'

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What Should I Do?

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, & thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, & this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend & let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind & wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

....HOWEVER....

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!". "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?". "At the circus", says the landlord. "The circus?", the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the landlord. "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!", says the landlord. The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

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Stranger Than Fiction

á Man Tries To Sue Wife For Sex Denial (Reuters) - A Spanish man tried to have his wife charged with domestic abuse because she refused to have sex with him on five consecutive days, Spanish newspaper El Sur has reported. The middle-aged man from Seville -- the city of Don Juan & Carmen -- said her refusals amounted to "degrading treatment" & domestic abuse, a term used more often to describe wife battering. The judge shelved the case, Andalusia-based El Sur reported on Friday. If this case had worked, lawyers would've been VERY busy!

á Kalashnikov Launches New Weapon - Vodka (Reuters) - The creator of one of the world's most famous guns, the AK-47 assault rifle, has launched another weapon -- Kalashnikov vodka. Lieutenant General Mikhail Kalashnikov, who invented the AK-47 after being shot by German soldiers during World War Two, said he wanted to continue "the good name" of his gun. "I've always wanted to improve & expand on the good name of my weapon by doing good things," he told Reuters Television on Monday. "So we decided to create a vodka under my name. & we wanted that vodka to be better than anything made, up until now, in both Russia & England." The Kalashnikov rifle has become the weapon of choice for guerrillas & gangsters across the world. But Kalashnikov said his original intentions for the gun were purely patriotic. "I did not create the gun for international conflicts, I created it to protect the borders of my country," he said. "It is not my fault that it has been spread all over the world. It is its reliability & its simplicity that have taken it all over the world." Promoters of Kalashnikov vodka, which is 82% proof, say it is "made from grain harvested in Russia & water drawn from Lake Ladoga north of St Petersburg" & is best drunk with friends. Gives a whole new meaning to 'having a shot'!

á Man Shoots Wife In "Monkey Accident" (Reuters) - A Malaysian man shot his wife dead after he mistook her for a monkey picking fruit in a tree behind their house, the New Straits Times has reported. The man, 70, is being held by police for causing death through recklessness after he fired a shotgun at what he thought was a monkey in a mangosteen tree on Monday, the newspaper said on Wednesday. His wife, 68, had used a ladder to climb into the tree & was picking the tropical fruit when she was shot. She was pronounced dead on arrival at hospital, the paper said. The couple lived in central Malaysia & had raised 13 children. Thought she was a monkey? Yeah, right! Cheap divorce time, methinks!

á Israel Helps Catholics Fight Mobiles (Reuters) - Some Mexican churches are using state-of-the-art technology developed by Israeli electronic warfare experts to silence mobile phones that ring during mass, church officials say. Four churches in the northern city of Monterrey, which lies some two hours by car south of the Texas border, are using equipment made by Israeli telecoms equipment firm Netline Communications Technologies to block incoming calls during services. The Tel Aviv-based company was set up in 1998 by former military & defence industry specialists to develop mobile telephone jamming systems, mainly for the security industry. "Before we had the system, it was very uncomfortable hearing calls coming in during the celebration of mass. But now it's 95% quiet," Bulmaro Carranza, a caretaker at the city's Baroque-style Sacred Heart church, said on Tuesday. The signal-jamming equipment is packed into two wall-mounted boxes the size of small hi-fi speakers, with one beside the altar & the other at the church entrance. Switched on just before the start of every service, the system causes a "no signal" message to be displayed on worshipers' phones, but causes them no lasting damage. "We believe that we were the first church in Mexico to use this technology," Carranza said. "Now we are getting calls from all over the country to see how it can be installed."

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A man's standing at the urinal in a public toilet when another man stands in the next urinal. The man looks over at the new arrival, stares him up & down. "Hey, what the hell are you looking at?" says the second man. The first man quickly answers "No No it's not what you think....I....I...couldn't help but notice that you've been circumcised" "Yeah" says the second man "I'm Jewish, I was circumcised at birth" "I guessed" says the first "I know the surgeon who did the procedure" "Oh come on" says the second man "it was thirty years ago!!" "It was Dr. Abraham Winklehock! No doubt about it!!" says the first man. "You're right" says the second, "How did you know that??" he asked, amazed. "Bastard never could cut straight" says the first man "You're pissing on my shoes"

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Old Jokes Home

á A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

á There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass...well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Pittsburgh..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure & fled. The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples & dimes." So of course he also fled. Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, & I would like the change in nickels & dimes. & I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

á An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated & said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office & say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong & I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something & then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes & then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly & asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

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A girl is about to tie the knot, & is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, & squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this & when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced & practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, & squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed & backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

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A man walks into a pharmacy & wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl sees him & asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls & a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes & she came home with a tin of tobacco & some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

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Women's T-Shirts

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting Women's T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

á I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

á (on the front) 60 is not old. (on the back) if you're a tree.

á I'm still hot... It just comes in flashes.

á At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.

á My reality check just bounced.

á Life is short. Make fun of it.

á I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

á I need somebody bad... Are you bad?

á I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

á Keep staring... I may do a trick.

á Dangerously under-medicated.

á My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash & it's gone.

á Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with Chocolate.

á Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

á Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell Lies at your funeral.

In god we trust. All others we polygraph.

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One day a man came home & was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up & went golfing.

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The Annual Stella Awards It's time once again for the annual Stella Awards. (81-year-old Stella Liebeck spilled coffee on herself & successfully sued McDonald's; that case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.) Here are this year's winners:

á 5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

á 5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 & medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

á 5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the house & garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, & Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He survived on a case of Pepsi & a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

á 4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 & medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard & was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

á 3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink & broke her tailbone. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

á 2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor & knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 & dental expenses.

á 1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph & calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed, & overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed its manual on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

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Clough In His Own Words Legendary former Nottingham Forest & Derby County (=football) boss Brian Clough passed away on Monday aged 69. He was well-loved & respected, not least for his straight talking & sense of humour. In tribute to the tremendous character that was Cloughie, here are some reminders of "Old Big Ead's" forthright opinions & wit.

á "I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one"

á "We talk about it for 20 minutes & then we decide I was right" On dealing with players who disagree with him.

á "At last England have appointed a manager who speaks English better than the players" - On the appointment of Sven-Goran Eriksson .

á "Players lose you games, not tactics. There's so much crap talked about tactics by people who barely know how to win at dominoes" On England's exit from Euro 2000.

á "The Derby players have seen more of his balls than the one they're meant to be playing with" - On a streaker who once interrupted a Derby County-Manchester United match .

á "For all his horses, knighthoods & championships, he hasn't got two of what I've got. & I don't mean balls" - Referring to Sir Alex Ferguson's failure to win two successive European Cups.

á "I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball? He might grab mine" - On the influx of foreign players .

á "I like my women to be feminine, not sliding into tackles & covered in mud" - On women & football.

á "That Seaman is a handsome young man but he spends too much time looking in his mirror rather than at the ball. You can't keep goal with hair like that" - On the pony-tailed former England goalkeeper David Seaman.

á "I thought it was my next-door neighbour because I think she felt that if I got something like that I would have to move" - Guessing who nominated him for a knighthood.

á "Who the hell wants 14 pairs of shoes when you go on holiday? I haven't had 14 pairs in my life" - On the contents of Victoria Beckham's missing luggage.

á "He should guide Posh in the direction of a singing coach because she's nowhere near as good at her job as her husband" - Advice for David Beckham.

á "Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive" - After the liver transplant which saved his life.

á "I want no epitaphs of profound history & all that type of thing. I contributed. I would hope they would say that, & I would hope somebody liked me." - On being remembered

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Hetty is having afternoon tea in a Hendon cafe. On an adjacent table, Mary is also having tea. Mary leans over towards Hetty & says, "Excuse me asking, but are you Jewish?" "Why yes I am," replies Hetty. "I thought so," says Mary, "you have a Jewish holiday this week, don?t you?" "Yes we do, it?s called Rosh Hashanah." "Is that when you light a different coloured candle every night?" asks Mary. "Oh no," says Hetty, "that's Chanukah." "Then is it the one when you?re not allowed to eat any bread?" asks Mary. "No, that's Passover," says Hetty, "Rosh Hashanah is when we blow the Shofar." "That's really nice," says Mary, "that's what I admire about you Jewish people ? you?re so good to the staff."

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A Story With 2 Morals

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, & the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over & help him. They all grabbed a shovel & began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening & cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off & take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off & take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well & happily trotted off!

Moral 1: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off & take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off & take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply & appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back & bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, & the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL 2: When you do something wrong & try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.