A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the woman and said,"You've sneezed three times, you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?" The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

1. Birds of a feather flock together, so they can crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

So you're driving up from Vienna and suddenly -- there it is! -- you pull off and park, scramble out of your rental car, giggling and laughing, stand beside the notorious sign (if it hasn't been stolen again!), whip out the camera, and click. Like thousands of other tourists, you now have your own personal souvenir of yourself standing next to a plain sign that proclaims you're in Fucking, Austria (48' 03" N 13' 51" E). It's a small village, but you'll probably be inspired to get a room for the night... http://www.cleansheets.com/articles/dean_02.04.04.shtml

The Blonde and the Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asks her a question that she doesn't know the answer to, she will have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asks the lawyer a question that he doesn't know the answer to, the lawyer has to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. The lawyer then asks the blonde What's the answer?". After a brief pause the blonde hands the lawyer five dollars.

Three Girls Go Camping

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

Brunette, Blonde & Railroad Tracks

A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying, ?21, 21, 21.? A blonde comes along and starts doing the same thing. They hear a train and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde keeps jumping. The blonde gets hit and dies. After the train leaves, the brunette jumps back on saying this time, ?22, 22, 22....?

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

The Circle

A blonde has just purchased a new sports car. She was pulling onto a busy highway and ended up cutting off a large truck that narrowly misses her and several other on-coming cars. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle on the side of the road and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's she has an enormous smile on her face. He gets even more angry and goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and headlights. He looks back to see that now she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. "What's so funny?!", he demands. The blonde replies, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country and finds an unusual old bottle. She picks it up, rubs it.... and a genie appears. The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes, but I must warn you! Anything you get, all the Blondes in the world will get twice as much!"

The brunette says: "Okay. Give me a really nice house." The genie replies, "You now have one really nice house and all the blondes in the world now have two." Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man." The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

The Midget Scopes the Blonde

A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him. ?Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,? yells the midget. The blonde looks down and says, ?I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.? The midget replies, ?Not from where I'm standing.?

Le Parfumerie y le Blonde

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend: "Does this smell like cum to you? Because it doesn't smell like cum to me."

Blonde and Dictionary

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were taking a vocabulary improvement course. The teacher gave them a homework assignment to come in the next day with the hardest word they knew. The next day the brunette stood up and said her word was ?quizzical?. The redhead' came up with ?photosynthesis?. The blonde's word was ?dick?.