A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, & after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom & made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, & replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her & the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly & there are screams of passion. The love making ends, & again, the young man smiles, & again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing & ripping the bed sheets; then exhausted the man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

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Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient - "How much will this cost?"

Dentist - "It'll be $100."

Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

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>From the Newsroom

'Stop that or you'll go blind!' - A German man caught masturbating on a tram was ordered -over a loudspeaker - to stop what he's doing. The man was first spotted by a 19-year-old woman sat a few rows behind him on the tram in Ratingen, near Dusseldorf. She told the driver who announced over the loudspeaker: "Please stop masturbating." The man did so without saying anything before getting off the tram at the next stop. The woman, who said she had been sexually harassed because of the incident, reported the man to the police who are now looking for witnesses.

Girl Hurt in Speeding Shopping Cart Crash VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - A girl was recovering from injuries on Wednesday after the shopping cart she was riding in crashed while careering down a hill at an estimated 45 miles per hour. The girl suffered a broken shoulder & "road rash" after she & several other youngsters decided to take the cart for a ride in the Vancouver suburb of Burnaby, but lost control of their gravity-powered vehicle, police said. "Although the incident appears to be one of thrill-seeking, police remind youths that partaking in activities such as these can result in severe injuries or worse, death," the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said in a news release. None of the other youngsters was reported injured. (Training for the Darwin Awards, maybe?)

The Corona Times, 13/2/03"I saw Tom Ridge on television," Steven Bosell told reporters outside his home in Corona, California, "telling us that all citizens should go out and stock up on duct tape and plastic, in case of terrorist attack. I'm a patriot, so I went straight down to the local Costco and bought $100 worth of duct tape and some plastic sheeting, to protect my house from radiation. "As soon as I got home, I taped up the doors and windows, but then I did some thinking. I realised that if survivors like myself are going to reproduce and repopulate the earth after a biological attack, then we have to protect our private parts as well. So I used my last roll of duct tape to wrap up my privates, leaving just a little hole at the end for toilet functions. "A few days later, the Department of Homeland Security told us that the alert was over, and that we could remove the duct tape. But when I tried to peel the tape off my privates, skin and body hair began peeling off too. I injured myself badly, and there was blood everywhere. The pain was so bad that I called an ambulance, and was taken to hospital, where the tape was eventually removed, though not without further serious injuries to my privates. "When I explained what I'd done, the doctors and nurses laughed at me, and went out of their way to make me feel like a fool. But the people I really blame are the government, because Mr Ridge made me do this. & President Bush is equally liable for injury to my reproductive future, because he hired Mr Ridge to run the Department of Homeland Security, which gave the nation bad advice. That's why I have filed a lawsuit against Mr Ridge, the Department, and the President, claiming compensation for emotional distress, personal injury, and sexual dysfunction." The Bush Administration has so far refused to comment. (CC to Darwin Award Talent Scouts)

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Funny Old Game á A Manchester United fanatic has amassed a collection of club memorabilia worth a cool £1m. Businessman Ray Adler started collecting the merchandise 20 years ago after recognising the investment potential. Now he has collected so much stuff that he recently had an extension to his home built to house it all. Ray, 50, of Trafford, Greater Manchester, said: "I don't have a pension plan, the collection is my pension plan." Among his most treasured items are a letter from George Best's dad saying he had "high hopes" for his 17-year-old son - & a rare programme from a 1968 game with Estudiantes, worth £12,000. Pensions specialist Peter McDonald said: "This seems a sensible thing to do. Ray's done well because he's invested in United memorabilia. "But think where he'd be if he'd begun collecting Wimbledon stuff."

A woman went to a computer dating service & said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in & told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

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Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A Widow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They are married.

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Moral Dilemma of the Day You are the President of the USA. & have just learned that an asteroid is headed for France that will wipe out their population. The asteroid is scheduled to hit at 2.30 a.m. in about 2 days time from now. You have enough ships & military personnel near the coasts of France to evacuate their population safely, but they're on stand-by in case of war against Iraq. Your dilemma is: Do you set the VCR to record the asteroid hitting France, or do you stay up to watch it live??

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Michael was calling his attorney & asking him, "I hear they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer, & now someone is suing the fast food giants for making them fat; so what I wants to know is... can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I slept with?"

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I know it's old but it's still true!

Differences Between Men and Women NAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra & Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra & Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob & John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head & Scrappy.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob & John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, & none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, & a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, & get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings & funerals.

NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments & romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears & hopes & dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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The Joys of Travel -- Agents! The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C. travel agent of 30+ years:

á I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

á I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight & the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response ...(click).

á A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, & Florida is a very thin state!!!"

á I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

á An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am & got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, & she bought that!

á A New York lawmaker called & asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), & I'm overweight, I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back & explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), & that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

á A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii?" á I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

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Miss Bea was in her 80's & much admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring & she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock & surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour. When she returned with tea & cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl & its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, & he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall & I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ & keep it wet, & it would prevent disease. & you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me. Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love." They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While we're baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I've been a hooker all my life." The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance & adjusting your grip?"